Infinite Business
Almost two weeks ago, Gravyonshirtfront told you about Religco’s launch of the Infinitiaty cult religion. Today, I’m going to tell you about the business side of that venture. And what a business it is!
As you already know if you read Gravyonshirtfront’s account or if you read the Infintiaty page in the Shalampax cult religion catalog, Infinitiaty has an infinity of Gods. At least one implication of that should be obvious. All of the Gods expect donations to be made to the church in their names. Even if church members give only one cent per God, infinity times one cent equals an infinite number of cents, which, paradoxically also equals an infinite number of dollars. Clearly, no one can give that much, but all parishioners are expected to come as close as they can.
Unfortunately, there are some people who, despite their desire to look pious whether or not they are pious, don’t reach all the way to the bottom of their pockets when the collection plate is passed around. But fear not, they won’t hold on to their money for long.
Church members’ desire to look pious will drag those dollars out of their pockets.
Most religions have one God or enlightened being or, at most, a small collection of Gods. Maybe there are also a few saints. Each God, enlightened being and saint usually has, at most, one image and one sign associated with Him or Her. That doesn’t leave a lot of room for merchandizing.
Compare that to Infinitiaty. There are no saints or enlightened beings, but there are an infinite number of Gods. Each God has His or Her image and sign. Plus there’s a sign—the infinity symbol—for the cult religion itself. Thus, the potential for selling religious icons is, quite literally, limitless.
Rumor has it that the church is planning to launch an “Icon of the Month Club” in the near future. Church members will be able to buy the first 10 icons for only one cent each, provided that they sign up for a five-year contract that, for just $59.95 per month, will send subscribers a new religious icon every month.
But none of that is the best part. Think about it. Different things piss off different Gods. Thus, an infinite number of Gods translates into an infinite number of sins and absolutely everything you do is considered to be a sin by one God or another.
It sounds as though serious damnation is unavoidable, but thanks to the Infinitiaty church, it doesn’t have to be. The church sells dispensations for every sin imaginable, and every unimaginable sin as well.
Just yesterday, the Church of Infinitiaty posted a dispensation price list for various categories of sins. The church notes that, because there are an infinity of sins, the price list can’t possibly be complete. It recommends that church members ask church officials for a quote on the dispensations required to gain salvation for absolutely everything the members have done. Of course, this requires that members reveal everything they’ve done.
I know this sounds like it could get expensive, but the church also offers package deals and monthly dispensation subscription plans that can dramatically reduce the cost.
It looks as if Religco has a real blockbuster cult religion on its hands this time.
P.S.: If you would like a dispensation price quote for a specific sin that is not on the price lists, or if you think the lists are missing a category of sins, leave a comment here and I’ll ask the Church of Infinitiaty to add it. (Please check the lists first to see if it’s there. The folks at Religco are very busy.)
Is there a god of pastries and, if so, what sort of dispensations are offered for pastry-related sins?
>>>>Wearing steel-toed high heels and a hard fedora to work at a construction site.
I am highly distraught with God 3828. I derive a substantial amount of income from marketing my steel-toed high heels to not only the lipstick lesbians in the construction industries but also from drag queens working in those iffy crime-ridden areas of town – they account for 82.63% of sales in the larger sizes.
@Patricia: With an infinite number of Gods, I’m sure there must be a God of Pastries. I’ll pass your question along to Religco. When they negotiate the appropriate dispensations with the appropriate God they will likely appear in the dietary sins category. I doubt the folks at Infinitiaty will come up with a new category just for pastries.
@David: Oh, boy! Now you’re asking for trouble. A mere mortal questioning one of the Gods? Do you think He or She cares about your earthly profits? I don’t think there is enough money in the world to buy a dispensation for your sin.
The Gods are more lacking in common sense than I suspected. If they put the kibosh on my revenue generating businesses, I will be unable to contribute to the cult..er..religion. That would be very short-sighted on their part I should think.
@David: I don’t think it’s particularly short-sighted. You’re not creating new money. There are an infinite number of sins and everything is sinful. Therefore, EVERYBODY sins ALL OF THE TIME. Consequently, even if you lose money because the wearing of your products is declared to be sinful, your customers will be able to buy dispensations from the Church of Infinitiaty with the money they save by not buying your products. The Gods don’t care if dispensations are sold to you or to your customers, as long as they are sold. And the Church of Infinitiaty doesn’t care if it gets its funds from you or from your customers, as long as it gets its holy funds.