Parliamentary Impasse
There is a crisis in Shalampax’ parliament. It was supposed to resume sitting more than a week ago, but it has not been able to do so.
The problem started when Burnttoast, who submitted a bid valued at $9.7 million per month, won the contract to clean Parliament’s chamber and its ten offices.
It’s apropos of nothing, but I should mention that about the time that Burnttoast won the cleaning contract she also became one of Prime Minister Manexposinghimself’s mistresses. However, Manexposinghimself assures me that that’s purely a coincidence and Burnttoast really is the best person for the job.
On her first day on the job, Burnttoast saw Parliament’s ceremonial gavel sitting in it’s usual place on the table in front of the Prime Minister’s seat. Burnttoast didn’t realize that the gavel was important and she didn’t want to have to lift it up to clean under it on the first Monday of every month when she came in to dust Parliament’s chamber. So, she threw the gavel out.
Some time ago, the Members of Parliament passed a law saying that Parliament cannot resume sitting after a recess until the Prime Minister calls the session to order by banging the ceremonial gavel on the table in front of him (or her if that happens to be the case at the time). According to the law, only the ceremonial gavel will suffice for this task.
This law is not part of our constitution, so it can be revoked by another Act of Parliament, but therein lies the conundrum. Parliament can’t convene to debate and pass a law revoking the first law until the session has been gaveled to order. And that can’t happen without the ceremonial gavel.
Unfortunately, Burnttoast tossed the gavel down the nearest garbage chute and, by the time any parliamentarians learned what had happened, our garbage disposal system had already compressed the gavel with some other garbage and fired it far out into the ocean. As a result, that sucker is gone for good.
Not being legally allowed to meet in parliament, Members of Parliament have, acting as private citizens, been getting together casually in their homes and in bars to discuss what can be done to resolve this situation. They have not yet come up with a solution.
Any suggestions?
Well, since you asked…
While it strikes me as no big loss for Parliament to be in recess for an unidentifiable period of time (perhaps in perpetuity?), perhaps some patriotic Shalampaxian (ok, I couldn’t say that with a straight face) such as Burnttoast, who caused this mess in the first place, could commission the construction of an identical replica.
Or just leave well enough alone. I actually have no idea and frankly don’t really care. Oh God, I’m beginning to sound like a Shalampaxian myself. No good can come of this revolting development.
I actually have a lovely mahogany gavel with gold-encrusted handle that I would be delighted to loan Burnttoast if she would promise to return it to me following the opening ceremony. Of course, I say this without knowing the postal rates to Shalampax. Maybe on second thought…
@David: Actually, Parliament’s recess is tragic. Members of Parliament aren’t able to sleep as well anywhere else, so they are becoming sleep deprived. And as to a replica, a replica is not an original. We’d need an Act of Parliament to deem the replica to be an adequate substitute.
Yes, beginning to sound like a Shalampaxian is a serious problem. Being Shalampaxians, we have no choice, but you might want to seek psychiatric help for that.
@Patricia: Because we have nowhere to land a plane or helicopter and ships often have to wait weeks or months before the weather calms enough for them to offload their cargo, shipping stuff here is very expensive. Plus, we’d still have the problem of designating your gavel to be the ceremonial gave when Parliament is not in session. That would take an Act of Parliament. But thanks for your offer.
By the way, how would you feel about scraping the gold off the handle and shipping it to us? That wouldn’t be as expensive to ship. Of course, I couldn’t promise that you’d get it back. Accidents happen, you know.
I do have a back up plan. Hypnotize all the members of parliament and make them believe they are called into session with the ceremonial gavel. If they all firmly believe it, what Shalampaxian will bother taking the effort to disuade them of their strongly held belief?
@David: That sounds like a good plan, although the parliamentarians would have to be hypnotized without them requesting it because requesting it would be a parliamentary duty, which would be illegal if Parliament is not in session. Of course, any act they pass under hypnosis would still be illegal because the session of Parliament would would not be legally constituted. But, as you suggest, few Shalampaxians are likely to give a damn. You know, your plan is so crazy, it just might work.