Cockroach Calamity
Birdinhand was supposed to write this blog post, but he has gone into a deep depression over the fact that his Twitter domination scheme has, so far, not progressed very far. I think a grand total of only about four or five people started following him (Birdinhand2) on Twitter yesterday. (He asked me to thank those four or five people—you know who you are—profusely. Consider yourselves thanked.) That still leaves 3.8 million or so to go to reach his goal.
Ah, poor Birdinhand. Boohoo. Poor baby. Get over it. Wimp!
Oh well, I guess I’ll have to pick up the slack and put out today’s post while Birdinhand is busy crying in his soup or wherever it is he does his silly-ass crying.
What am I going to talk about on such short notice? Well, I normally walk the spirituality beat here at Shalampax Speaks, but there’s only so much spiritual bullshit I can pump out.
I almost never take up causes, but if someone is willing to pay me enough money I’ll ramble on about any ridiculous cause-related twaddle the idiot wants. Fortunately, Rottentomato, owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, has paid me a ton of money to promote his latest—and, as far as I know, only—do-gooder cause. So here goes.
After Shalampax became infested with cockroaches last April and Shalampaxians were subsequently forbidden to keep the insects as pets, most Shalampaxians have become experts at catching and killing cockroaches. In fact, it’s the only participatory sport that has been widely adopted here.
The sport of cockroach catching and killing has become so popular because it requires so little effort. The cockroaches come to feast on the junk food crumbs that always surround us on our couches. We can catch and kill them without ever getting up from our perches.
However, as much as we all love capturing and killing cockroaches, Rottentomato thinks we may be going too far. According to him, cockroaches are almost extinct in Shalampax now.
Rottentomato believes that cockroach extinction in Shalampax would be an ecological catastrophe. “If cockroaches became extinct here, it would lessen biodiversity on our island. What’s more, I’d then have to start importing cockroaches to make my most-prized dishes,” he explained. “And that’s going to run into big money.”
Rottentomato notes that if he has to start importing cockroaches, rather than using free local sources as he does now, he will be forced to raise the prices at his already atrociously expensive restaurant.
“Furthermore, we have to consider the environmental impacts,” Rottentomato added. “No greenhouse gasses are emitted when I make use of local cockroaches. On the other hand, if I have to import cockroaches to make the meals I serve at my restaurant, a truck or train has to move them from the foreign cockroach harvesters to the nearest port. Then, a ship has to transport the cockroaches to Shalampax. Trucks, trains and ships all burn fossil fuels, which pumps carbon dioxide into our atmosphere, thereby exacerbating global warming. We must all do our part to protect our fragile planet.”
Rottentomato is not suggesting that we give up our beloved cockroach-catching pastime. All he is asking is that, rather than killing the cockroaches, we switch to a catch and release form of our favorite sport. Or, that failing, Rottentomato asks that we donate our catches to his restaurant. It’s the least we can do to help prevent the prices at Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant rocketing yet farther beyond the reach of the average Shalampaxian.
Cockroach scarcity might be a good thing for your restaurant. You could raise prices on cockroach dishes, as cockroach would become a rare delicacy (like caviar in other parts of the world).
Are you and Rottentomato on some kind of drugs? Since when do any Shalampaxians give a flying fig about the world’s climate??? Or any other international issues? You catapult your trash into the ocean polluting the water so why the sudden interest in the air?
I’m equally befuddled about the Rottentomato’s restaurant being beyond the reach of the average Shalampaxian? Shalampaxians are known to be fabulously wealthy from their spam and cult enterprises.
And while I’m being befuddled, I should think capturing and torturing the cockroaches would be a far more popular sport than merely killing them. Does this suggest that the snuff films are more popular porn there than S&M porn? Inquiring minds need to know.
@Patricia: Good point. I’ll mention that to Rottentomato.
@David; Yes, I was skeptical when Rottentomato brought in the whole environment thing. I think he’s just trying to protect the interests of his restaurant, but wrap that up in a veneer of do-gooderism. But what do I care? He paid me enough to spout his words. That’s all that matters.
It’s true that the AVERAGE income in Shalampax exceeds that of other rich countries by several orders of magnitude, but we’re not an egalitarian society. Far from it. Almost all of that wealth is concentrated in the hands of the owners of our religion and spam companies. A lot of the other people here are not particularly well off. Take Paperplate, for example. He decided to go the honest route and set up a legitimate store, The Shalampax Store. Look where that got him. He’s broke, nobody is shopping at his store.
No, we’re not into torture. It takes too much effort.
Hello – Everyday I try to “Follow” Birdinhand2 on Twitter. Sadly, I have had no success. Until more people “Follow” me, I’m not allowed to “Follow” others.
I tried microwaving a cockroach once. I set the timer to various settings – 1 minute, 3 minutes, 5 minutes……that little guy just kept on crawling.
@MadMadMargo: Somebody please follow MadMadMargo so she can help to pull Birdinhand out of his funk.
Re the cockroach, I think the trick is to test doneness every once in a while by sticking a fork in it. I don’t know how that helps you to determine if it’s done, but the little buggers usually stop moving after that.
@Gravyonshirtfront
Thanks for the tip!
@MadMadMargo: You are welcome.