Shalampax Speaks

This is the sort of story that Birdinhand normally writes, but he’s feeling under the weather today. And if you know anything about Shalampax’s weather, that’s saying a hell of a lot. I think the stress over putting himself out in front of the world on Twitter (he’s Birdinhand2, not Birdinhand; don’t ask him why because he might tell you) and making big claims only to fall flat on his face weakened Birdinhand’s immune system. So I’ll pick up today’s post.

The following is of interest to only Shalampaxians. The rest of you have the day off today. (Yeah, like you actually read this crap on other days. Fat chance.)

The Shalampax Medical Clinic has noticed that the number of people being brought in with grave injuries increases considerably each night when the pubs close. I have no idea why the medical clinic is noticing this problem only now. It’s been going on for decades. Let’s just say that our health care system could do with some reforms.

What’s been happening is that, upon leaving the pub to go back to their apartments, most patrons are unable to remain on their feet for more than a few steps.

People falling on the hall floors is not much of a problem because the deep layer of dust cushions their falls. However, a number of concussions have resulted from people hitting their heads on the aluminum hallway walls as they (the people, not the aluminum walls) tumble down to the floor. The walls may be thin, but they have surprisingly little give to them.

Even when pub patrons manage to make it home without falling, they usually careen considerably on the way. As a result, unless their apartments are within a few doors of the pub, they often slam their bodies hard against the walls several times before they get home. This often causes significant internal hemorrhaging.

Redpencil, owner of the Third-Floor Pub, has decided to do his bit to reduce the incidence of these serious injuries. Effective immediately, he is offering a new service to anyone who is too drunk to walk safely back to his or her apartment. Regardless of which floor you live on and how far your apartment is from the Third-Floor Pub, for just $200 Redpencil will arrange to have you transported back to your apartment in a wheelbarrow. For an extra $25 he’ll throw a pillow down on the wheelbarrow before you’re dumped into it.

We all owe a debt of gratitude to Redpencil for taking this major step to further the cause of responsible drinking here in Shalampax. Thank you, Redpencil.