Shalampax Speaks

You might have noticed that I’ve been absent from my writing duties at Shalampax Speaks for a few days. When a couple of my colleagues filled in for me they spread the rumor that my absence was because I was depressed over my slow progress toward my goal of Twitter dominance. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I’ve had a bad cold, which made it difficult for me to sleep and you know how much we Shalampaxians enjoy our sleep. In addition, my nose has been running steadily and I feel as though I’ve blown my brains out through my nostrils. Furthermore, my head feels stuffed up, which contrasts with my normal condition of just being a stuffy person. All this has led to my brain being even more befuddled than usual. As a result, I did not feel I could produce any writing worthy of my loyal reader. (You know who you are.)

My cold is still with me, but I felt that I had to summon the strength to come in and refute the foul rumors about my alleged depression over not getting Twitter followers as fast as I had hoped.

True, my march toward Twitter domination is not where I wanted it to be at this point. I didn’t imagine I’d be at the end of my quest yet, but I will admit that I though I’d be a lot closer than I am now.

Nonetheless, I have not given up. Not by a long shot. Just before I started writing this I checked Twitter and saw that I had 25 followers. I’ve only been on Twitter for about a week and a half, so that’s an average of about 16.67 new followers per week. Let’s be pessimistic and round that down to 16 per week, which works out to 832 new followers per year.

When I checked, the most-followed person on Twitter had over 3.8 million followers. That number may increase before I catch up, so let’s say I have to get to 3.9 million followers to capture the title. At this rate, I’ll be in the lead in just 4,687.5 years.

I know that sounds like a lot, but Shalampaxian life expectancy is believed to be higher than the world average. We’re not sure about that because Shalampax adopted a calendar only in 1952. People born before that aren’t sure exactly how old they are. And, because many Shalampaxians didn’t begin using a calendar until some time after it was officially adopted, even some people born in 1953 or 1954 can’t be certain of their precise ages. Rather than using ages, we normally just refer to those people (and I’m one of them) as “old,” “very old,” “ancient,” or “is that bugger still alive?”

I’ll admit that, even with our longer life expectancies, our average lifespan is still probably not greater than 90. But you never know. I could set a new record. I haven’t given up hope yet.

Thanks to all of your who are already following me on Twitter. And a special thanks to all of you who encouraged others to follow me. And thanks in advance to those of you who will do so in the future. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

By the way, my Twitter id is Birdinhand2.