Universe Missed Us
Here’s an interesting fact that you might not know. Since the pageant was first held in 1952, through to present day, not a single Miss Universe Pageant winner, nor any of the runners up, has ever come from Shalampax. Not only that, but none of the winners, runners up, or pageant officials has ever admitted to even knowing of the existence of Shalampax.
One thing I’m not sure of is whether we should be proud or ashamed of that fact.
By the way, isn’t the Miss Universe Pageant a bit presumptuous? If there’s intelligent life elsewhere in the universe don’t you think they’re going to get seriously pissed off when they learn that we’ve been holding the pageant without them?
No, never mind. I answered my own question. If they really are intelligent life-forms, they won’t give a damn about a beauty pageant. In fact, it will cause them to question the existence of intelligence on earth. Although, if they are anything like me, despite disparaging the contest, they will still want to see pictures of the winner and runners up naked. We Shalampaxians—at least, the males and a few of the females—get excited by that sort of stuff.
Actually, many of us watch the Miss Universe Pageant to see contestants trip and fall down. If Shalampaxians don’t excel in falling down they’ll never win.
How would any Shalampaxian arrive at the contest site without being arrested for outstanding international warrants? Having been arrested might reduce the chances of becoming a finalist…I’m just saying.
There might be a problem with names too – for example, I fear the judges would look askance at someone named Watercirclingintoiletbowl. Unfair, of course, but such is the cut-throat world of beauty pageants.
@Patricia: If falling down is all it takes then we should be the clear winners year-in, year-out. We’re world-champion klutzes, particularly when we’re drunk, which is much of the time.
@David: I thought about the problem of being arrested, but I think that, under the circumstances, our women should be allowed to participate via video link. And about that name thing, that is way to discriminatory to dignify with further discussion. (Do you think we could use the discrimination angle to gain the sympathy vote? It’s worth a shot. I think I’ll play that up.)
Why not hold your own Miss Universe pageant in Shalampax? The participants would never be the wiser.
@MadMadMargo: Good point. And, that way, one of our women would might even have a shot at winning, which probably wouldn’t be the case otherwise.
@Birdinhand It is entirely possible that I’ve read the situation wrong and the, how shall we say, unusual naming conventions of Shalampax might result in an exotic allure.
@David: Do you think? I’m very much in favor of discrimination if it benefits us.
I am sold on the confidence that pageants build in young women. I believe that pageantry has so many hidden benefits not to mention scholarship money.
But, agreed Miss Universe might be slightly over zealous
@Steven Roddy: That may be so, but I’m upset that Shalampaxians have been excluded from the pageant. That’s discrimination to the extreme. I’m also upset that I haven’t been able to get any pictures of the winners or runners up naked. I mean, what’s up with that?