Openfly Stumbles Upon History
Peeps, if you’ve been reading Shalampax Speaks for some time, you’ve likely been wondering what happened to Openfly. To be perfectly honest, so have I. For about four months now, neither she nor Doctor Don have responded to any of my many emails.
I was beginning to think that the ship they were on had sunk with all hands—not to mention all other body parts—lost. But no, Openfly is very much alive and she’s finally gotten back in touch with me.
The first news to tell you is that the experiment in which Dr. Don was trying to disprove his own hypothesis that Shalampaxians are not Homo sapiens has ended. As you’ll remember, in that experiment, Dr. Don, who is presumably Homo sapiens, was trying to impregnate Openfly, who is very much a Shalampaxian.
The thinking was that if Dr. Don was able to impregnate Openfly and the resulting baby was a viable human being, that would, pretty much by definition, prove that Openfly is of the same species as Dr. Don.
Openfly had been through four fertile periods during the experiment, and despite having sex as often and as vigorously as possible, she did not get pregnant.
Openfly denies it, but if you ask me, I suspect she was taking birth control pills on the sly. Openfly is a known nymphomaniac of the highest order, but she is also well known to be exceptionally averse to getting pregnant, to the extend that her aversion will override her nymphomania when necessary.
She gets severe morning sickness just thinking about the prospect of pregnancy. Whenever it comes time to select a woman to make up for a deficiency in Shalampax’s population quota, she scouts out the best spot to stand to avoid being chosen. Then, on the day of the selection, she rushes to get her spot, elbowing out any contenders who might have somehow managed to get there before her.
As much as she enjoyed sex with Dr. Don, Openfly agreed to try to get pregnant only because Dr. Don promised her a large monetary reward just for participating in the experiment—whether or not she got pregnant. Openfly began to doubt Dr. Don’s sincerity about the payment when she overheard him offering an IOU to buy a box of facial tissues from shopkeeper who came on board to sell his wares at one of their ports of call.
Dr. Don was furious when Openfly refused to continue with the experiment.
The ship they were on recently docked in Honolulu, Hawaii, but, before they approached the pier, Dr. Don locked Openfly in a room so she couldn’t escape. Fortunately, Openfly heard the resident bonobo walking past the room. She called out to the bonobo to open the door and he complied.
(By the way, apropos of nothing, no one onboard ever bothered to give the bonobo a formal name. However, Openfly often referred to him affectionately as “her Studmuffin.”)
Openfly then stripped naked, threw all of her belongings into a suitcase and ran off the ship with the bonobo. She figured, correctly as it turns out, that everyone would be so dumbfounded at seeing a naked woman and a bonobo running hand-in-hand that it wouldn’t occur to anyone to stop them.
Once safely away from the ship, Openfly put on some clothes and told the bonobo to shove off and enjoy his newfound freedom on his own. Upon spotting some bikini-clad women on the beach, the bonobo complied.
Totally out of character for her, Openfly had not touched a drop of alcohol while onboard the ship, but once on dry land she reverted to form and made a beeline for the nearest bar.
Inside, Openfly decided to put her libido on a leash. She, with great difficulty, gave no encouragement to the many men in the bar who stared at her lasciviously. Instead, she mounted a barstool beside a woman who, despite looking very spry and in good health, appeared to be in her mid- to late-seventies. Although, there was something about the woman—Openfly couldn’t quite identify what it was—that made Openfly think that the woman was somewhat older than she appeared.
The two of them began chatting. The woman, Marie Kurveh, was quite gregarious and immediately volunteered that she was on vacation from California. Openfly kept the conversation going by telling Marie about Shalampax. As Openfly spoke, Marie’s jaw dropped and a look of sheer astonishment engulfed her face.
Those of you who are familiar with Shalampax history probably know where this is going. Yes, it was that Marie; the Marie who, early in 1952, washed up on our shores, taught the inhabitants of our island their first language, English, assigned the name “Shalampax” to our land, and taught us about civilization. There is no record of exactly when Marie left what, thanks to her, is now called Shalampax, but it’s generally believed that she hadn’t been here for much more than a couple of years before the inhabitants of the day grew tired of her and frightened her into leaving our island.
In the whole time she had been here, Marie never told anyone what her last name was, but now we know. I have no idea why she kept her last name a secret while she was in Shalampax. It sounds like a nice enough name to me and she doesn’t seem to be bothered by it anymore.
Hell, living in Shalampax, I’ve heard many names that are much odder sounding than Kurveh. In fact, almost all of our names are way weirder than that. Maybe Kurveh has a hidden meaning that I don’t know about. That’s always a possibility because there’s a lot that I don’t know about and little that I do know about.
Marie’s last name aside, does this situation amaze you as much as it amazes me? Think about it. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, what are the chances that Openfly and Marie would find themselves in the same one at the same time? The probability has to be damned close to zero, but there they were.
Marie, who was only going to be in Hawaii for a couple more days, was staying in a two-bedroom suite in a nearby hotel. She offered to let Openfly stay in the second bedroom until Marie checked out. Openfly accepted the offer because Marie was a part of Shalampax history. To put it simply, Openfly was star-struck.
That’s where it stands, peeps. I’ll keep you posted. This could get exciting. That, in itself, is exciting because Shalampaxians are not used to excitement. Stay tuned.
I’m practically speechless – Openfly update and a Marie encounter all in one post.
Perhaps Marie hid her last name because she grew up in a Jewish neighborhood….I’m just guessing.
>>>goy kurveh = A non-Jewish whore (Yiddish).
I’ve wondered and this might be a good time to ask – why was Marie not converted to dinner on Cannibal Night but rather expelled from the island?
@David: Holy cow! Assuming that Marie was aware of that meaning of her name, that could certainly explain why she would be embarrassed about it. Although, she seems to have become comfortable with it since then because she didn’t hesitate to tell her name to Openfly.
Why didn’t the Shalampaxians eat Marie rather than chase her away when they became annoyed at her constantly correcting their spelling and grammar? That’s a funny story. When the Shalampaxians back then told Marie that they were cannibals and tolerated her only to fatten her up before eating her, that was a lie. At the time Shalampaxians, were not cannibals or murderers of any kind. That was just a story they made up to get rid of her.
However, once the idea of cannibalism had occurred to the rare creative soul who made the story up, people here started to think that it would be an effective way to deal with pesky foreigners (and we’ve come to believe that all foreigners are pesky). Marie had already fled by the time they came to that conclusion, but we’ve adopted the policy whenever any foreigners have arrived here since then.
Sounds to me, and correct me if I’m wrong, Marie was a stalker. This was no chance meeting in that bar. It was Marie’s fascination with Openfly. Let’s face it, Openfly was dumb-struck!
@MadMadMargo: I suppose it’s possible that Marie was a stalker, but it seems highly unlikely to me.
To the best of my knowledge, Marie has never communicated with anyone here in Shalampax. And I’d probably know if she did because I know all of the gossip here. Marie might have been reading Shalampax Speaks and learned of Openfly that way, but I’ve never mentioned that the ship Openfly was on was going to dock in Honolulu. In fact, I learned of it only after Openfly met Marie in the bar and Openfly got back in touch with me to tell me of her adventure. So, how would Marie have known that Openfly would come into that bar? Remember, Marie got there before Openfly did.
Besides, there is no record of how old Marie was when she was in Shalampax, but she was already an adult. So, she can’t be much younger than Openfly thought. And, it’s more likely that Marie is in her early- to mid-80s than in her late 70s. So, her better stalking days are probably behind her.
All of that is a long way of saying that I think you’re probably wrong about Marie being a stalker, but who knows? Stranger things have happened.