Health Advisory #885
The Shalampax Medical Clinic has asked me to pass along the following public health advisory. Shalampax privacy conventions, scant though they may be, do not allow me to comment or expand on an advisory of this nature, so I will simply present it verbatim.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Shalampax Medical Clinic; October 30, 2009
HEALTH ADVISORY #885
All males who have had unprotected sex with Cherrytart within the last 60 days are advised to visit the Shalampax Medical Clinic. All females who have had sex with Cherrytart within that timeframe should visit the clinic as well.
Everyone covered by this advisory is urgently recommended to come to the clinic as soon as possible and, with the exception of the first people to arrive, expect to find long lines and lengthy waits when they get here.
Sorry folks, that’s all the advisory says and I’m not allowed to add more. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to run to the clinic and get ahead of the massive lines that are sure to form when this is published.
The reference to males having unprotected sex would suggest two possibilities – they are showing up for DNA paternity tests or some STI treatment. The call for women to also visit the clinic seems to rule out an unexpected pregnancy – although not necessarily if one considers the potential hermaphrodites who self-identify as women.
Hypothetically speaking, if the problem is in the arena of STIs, I have to ask – considering the very constricted visitation and immigration policies of Shalampax, what is the source of introduction of the infections?
I can understand that bird flu viruses might fall onto Shalampax from the air. I get it that perhaps Shalampaxians might not have built enough immunity for swine flu by not eating enough ham and bacon. But this introduction of STIs perplexes me. Please do enlighten me.
@David: As I said, our privacy conventions make it impossible for me to say much more than what I’ve already said. I hope I’m not overstepping my bounds, but I will say that it has something to do with Cherrytart’s interaction with an item she imported. She was the only person in Shalampax to import this particular item. I’m sorry but that is all I can say. Even saying that much might get me in trouble.
Clearly, you cannot have had and physical interaction with Cherrytart, sexual or otherwise. However, if your sexual activities are such that you think you may have cause for concern you should see your doctor.
Great! See you there!
@MadMadMargo: Of course, not being a Shalampaxian or in Shalampax, you would have to mail in any samples required by the Shalampax medical clinic, assuming they would even agree to test you. Considering how long it takes for mail to get here and how uncertain mail service to our island is, you might consider seeing your local doctor.