Rottentomato, owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, has asked me to let his customers and prospective customers know that he has added a new item to the menu, Goulash Surprise, which will probably be available for only a very limited time.
For competitive reasons, Rottentomato refuses to disclose any of the dish’s ingredients or how it is prepared. However, he tells me that, unlike all of the other main course items he serves in his restaurant, Goulash Surprise contains no rodent entrails.
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Most Shalampaxians will know this, but I don’t remember ever mentioning it here in Shalampax Speaks. About five or so years ago, I created a betting pool. The question on which the pool was based was, “For how many consecutive days will we have at least a half-hour—it could be more, but at least a half-hour—of rain every day?”
At that point, it had already been raining for just over three years, so the predictions started at a fairly high number. There was an extraordinary interest in the betting. As a result, the jackpot climbed to $123,975.
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Among those people outside of Shalampax who have heard of us, Shalampaxians have gained a reputation of being less than the most honest people in the world.
This perception came about and has been perpetuated because 60 percent of our GDP is derived from cult religion companies, 30 percent from spam companies, and a further seven percent comes from companies that generate horoscopes. For some reason that I can’t fathom, these industries tend to have a less than sterling reputation in most of the world.
The leaders of Shalampaxian companies will tell you that, despite their industries’ reputations, they operate under the highest of ethical standards and are always truthful. In fact, I think they work hard at convincing themselves of that because then the acting job required to get other people to believe it is that much easier.
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Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company, has long been stuffing the email inboxes of hundreds of millions of what it assumes are adoring prospective customers. It sends out billions of offers every month just for male enhancement creams and lotions that firm and enlarge breasts. In fact, those are the company’s biggest—no pun intended—profit makers.
Today, it’s launching a packaging innovation that it thinks will dramatically increase sales and capture new customers. As I’m writing this, Spams R Us’ thousands of hijacked spam bots are busy churning out offers for the Super Boobdick Enhancement Twin-Pack, which is also known as the Boobdick Twin-Pack, for short—definitely no pun intended.
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Today is National Goof Off And Don’t Give A Damn Day (National GOADGAD Day) in Shalampax. Goofing off and not giving a damn is pretty much what most of us here do throughout most days, which is why we felt it was especially important to commemorate our national pastime with a holiday.
On National GOADGAD Day Shalampaxians all, well, not to put too fine a point on it, goof off and don’t give a damn about doing so. True, as I said, that’s what we do almost every day, but today we do it as a patriotic duty.
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Here’s an interesting fact that you might not know. Since the pageant was first held in 1952, through to present day, not a single Miss Universe Pageant winner, nor any of the runners up, has ever come from Shalampax. Not only that, but none of the winners, runners up, or pageant officials has ever admitted to even knowing of the existence of Shalampax.
One thing I’m not sure of is whether we should be proud or ashamed of that fact.
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