No Child Left Behind
This message is intended for only Shalampaxian parents. Everyone else won’t give a damn. Shalampaxian parents won’t give a damn either, but they should.
Many parents treat the Shalampax school as a babysitting service, which, of course, it is not. Parents frequently drop their kids off at the school in the morning and tell them to not come home that night.
To combat this problem, the Shalampax school is implementing a “No Child Left Behind Without Payment” program. Effective immediately, parents will be charged $75 per hour for each hour that a student is left at school past 4:00 p.m. There will be a flat rate of $500 per night for students left at the school overnight.
As per usual, the school cleaner will finish his nap at 7:00 p.m, lock the school doors, and leave for the evening. There will be no staff in the school after that time. As a result, you will not be able to retrieve your children past 7:00 p.m. You will be charged the full nightly fee if they are still there when the doors are locked.
If you leave your children in school over a weekend, please make sure they have a supply of food as the doors will be locked at 7:00 p.m. Friday and they will not be reopened again until Monday morning.
The school cleaner steals any food left in the school cafeteria when he closes up on Friday. This includes food supplies in the refrigerator and freezer. Consequently, if your children don’t have their own food they will not eat all weekend. There is a water fountain in the school, so they shouldn’t dehydrate. The chubby ones should be fine.
The fee for children left in school for the weekend is only $800. As during weeknights, there will be no staff in the school over the weekend.
Even if you are willing to pay the fees charged in the No Child Left Behind Without Payment program, your children cannot be left in the school for more than seven consecutive days. However, if you bring them home for one night and then drop them off again the next morning you’re good for another seven days.
If you leave your children in the school either overnight or over the whole weekend, please give them a supply of toilet paper that they can use to wipe their behinds when you leave them behind. The school cleaner steals the toilet paper from the school’s bathrooms every evening before leaving. The school would fire him, but it’s hard to hire such consistent, reliable staff in Shalampax.
If your children are past puberty it is also a good idea to provide them with condoms if you’ll be leaving them in school overnight or, more importantly, over the weekend. This should be the boys’ responsibility, but you can’t always depend on them so I’d recommend sending some condoms with your daughters as well.
Why do your post-puberty kids need condoms? Did I mention that there will be no staff in the school overnight or on the weekend? Enough said.
For those families with more than one child, is there a volume discount?
@David: There are not a lot of families that have more than one child, with Tuboflard being an obvious exception. Because of the rarity of multiple children in a family, the school hadn’t even considered bulk discounts, so, no, there aren’t any.