Don’t Pick Your Nose Month
I need to start this post with an apology. I’m a few days late publishing this official proclamation. I’m sorry.
Manexposinghimself, our Prime Minister, has declared November to be National Don’t Pick Your Nose Month. For the entire month of November, Shalampaxians caught picking their noses will be fined $50 per occurrence, no exceptions.
Because I was late publishing this notice, the government has agreed to not issue fines for anyone caught before today. However, there is no grace period from this point forward.
Parliament, which voted on and passed Manexposinghimself’s proclamation, has not placed any limits on where this decree can be enforced. Nevertheless, I find it difficult to see how they could possibly put it into effect it in private apartments.
That having been said, for many years there have been strong rumors that government officials have, for their own viewing pleasure and nothing but their own viewing pleasure, secretly installed closed-circuit cameras in the bedrooms of some of our nation’s more sexually active citizens. There are some fears that, if the rumors are true, the government might use these cameras to fine people when they pick their noses in their bedrooms.
I don’t give much credence to these rumors. Shalampax has led the world in pirating porn. Why would government officials want to watch ugly Shalampaxians going at it like rabbits (the rabbitty position is our favorite position) when they could be watching beautiful foreigners boinking their brains out? It doesn’t make sense.
Be that as it may, even if government officials have managed to plant cameras in the bedrooms of Shalampax’s most promiscuous people, why would they give their secret away just to issue a few hundred or, at most, a few thousand $50 fines? It doesn’t make sense. Thus, I think you’re safe from the fine if you practice your nose picking in the privacy (or possibly lack of privacy) of your own apartment.
The question arises, why did Manexposinghimself issue this edict? He claims that he has received numerous vociferous complaints about this “foul” habit being practiced in the common areas of our building. As a result, he would like to break this widespread Shalampaxian inclination by forcing people to stop picking entirely for the whole month. I find this explanation very hard to believe.
Pretty well all Shalampaxians are prolific nose-pickers. Who among us hasn’t relished the relief that comes from dislodging a pesky, hardened snot accumulation that couldn’t possibly be dislodged by blowing alone. Furthermore, why waste money on facial tissues or handkerchiefs when a finger works just as well—and often better?
And complaints? I don’t think so. All of the Shalampaxians I know sing the praises of nose-picking. If Manexposinghimself has heard complaints, I think he’s the only one. So who’s doing the complaining? No one, if you ask me.
I think it has nothing to do with complaints and everything to do with the fact that Manexposinghimself just awarded himself a monopoly on the importation of facial tissues and handkerchiefs into Shalampax. Maybe it’s just my distrustful nature talking, but that’s my opinion.
Whatever the case, happy National Don’t Pick Your Nose Month! Personally, I look forward to December because my nostrils are already getting terribly plugged up.
Possibly given the epidemic spread of the H1Ni virus, your Prime Minister is just prodding your population into better hygiene to prevent them from succumbing to this new strain of flu. Surely, someone on Shalampax has developed the disease by now.
@Patricia: We have almost no contact with the outside world so there’s not much chance of us contracting it. I suppose we could pick it up when one of our supply ships arrive, but that’s a rare occurrence. Besides, I’m convinced that our slovenly, unsanitary ways (not just in nose-picking, but in most matters) has helped to strengthen our immune systems, thereby protecting us from the H1N1 virus and other viruses and bacteria.
Is it a violation to pick someone else’s nose? Friends with Benefits could take on a whole new meaning with reciprocal nose-picking.
@David: You know, I think you’ve found a loophole. Thanks!
A whole month without picking your nose in public???!!!?? I don’t think can do this!
I like David’s idea about Friends with Benefits! Sheer Genius!!! Now I just have to find someone willing to pick my nose…. any takers?
@Nathan: Yeah, I know. It’s going to be tough. We have some fabulously rich people here. They’ll probably just pay the fines as a cost of entertainment and personal grooming, but we’re not all rich. I don’t know what I’d do were it not for David’s suggestion. I’m sure I can make some arrangements for reciprocal picking.