Shalampax Speaks

I sometimes get emails from men outside of Shalampax who question whether the male enhancement products offered by our fine spam companies do, indeed, work. These men don’t want to give their credit card information to our spam companies unless they can be certain that the products will, in fact, increase the size of their penises.

I’m shocked and appalled right down to the very core of my being that anyone would question the integrity of our spam companies, but there you have it. Surprising though it may be, there are some skeptical people out there.

I want to allay their concerns, but being a woman, I can’t personally vouch for these products. Instead, I did the next best thing. I went right to the top. I spoke to Bloodynose, CEO of Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company and asked him if he could offer any proof that his male enhancement products were effective.

Bloodynose responded, “Absolutely! In fact, I’m not only the CEO of the company, but I’m also a customer. I use our leading male enhancement cream regularly and it never fails to enlarge my penis.

“Of course, as with all medical products, you do have to follow the directions provided on the label. You can’t just squirt the cream on your penis and expect it to work. Instead, you have to rub it in with a repeated back and forth motion.

“One thing that we should probably have mentioned on the product’s packaging, but we didn’t, is that you may secrete chemicals through the pores in your hand that can reduce, although rarely eliminate, the effectiveness of the cream.

“We don’t know the reason for this, but you might find that, ironically, a women’s body chemistry is more favorable for the application of our male enhancement creams than yours is. I’ve noticed this effect myself. I find that my penis reacts much faster and with improved results when a woman applies our penis enlarging product to my penis.”

Bloodynose went on to offer some additional advice to customers. “There are three side effects that I’d like people to be aware of so they won’t be concerned should they occur.

“First, in addition to enlarging your penis, our male enhancement cream usually firms it as well. Don’t worry. This is normal.

“Second, the enlarging and firming effects of the cream are not permanent. You must reapply it using the same rubbing motion to re-enlarge your penis after it reduces to its former size.

“And, finally, if you spend too long applying the cream or you apply it too vigorously you may find that a secretion suddenly ejects from the end of our penis. I can assure customers that this condition is perfectly harmless. In fact, I usually find it to be quite enjoyable.”

Um, OK. Thank you, Bloodynose, for putting your prospective customers’ minds at ease. I’m sure their orders will be flooding in any minute now.