The Excitement Continues to Build
Peeps, are you as excited as I am?
I’m sorry. Of course, you can’t answer that until you know how excited I am. Well, let me tell you. I’m a guy and about as manly a man as you’ll find in Shalampax, which, admittedly, is not saying much, but my nipples are erect. That’s how electrified I am!
I almost forgot, I haven’t told you yet why I’m so keyed up, have I?
We’re getting close, peeps. We’re really getting close!
MadMadMargo, Marie and Openfly have all emailed me the complete analysis of their respective DNA sequences that they received back from the labs. I’ve emailed those results to a leading genomics expert in Geneva.
The genomics expert will compare Marie’s and MadMadMargo’s genomes to see if Marie is MadMadMargo’s mother.
The genomics expert will also look at Openfly’s DNA to identify any uniquely Shalampaxian genes. If MadMadMargo has any of those genes then one of her parents must be Shalampaxian. Presumably that parent would be her father, but the expert will also search Marie’s DNA to make sure she doesn’t have any Shalampaxian genes. If she does, that would mean that she is somehow Shalampaxian and could have passed those genes to MadMadMargo, which would put a whole new spin on things.
Because the work of decoding Marie’s, Openfly’s and MadMadMargo’s DNA has already been done, I’m told that we can have the results concerning MadMadMargo’s parentage in a matter of days! Yes peeps, my nipples are still erect!
That’s it for now, peeps. If all goes according to plan—not always a good bet in Shalampax—the next time one of my columns appears in this space I should have some answers for you. I don’t know about you, but I’m on pins and needles. Not only that, but I’ve also got to put on a looser fitting shirt so my nipples won’t show.
If you put a BandAid over each of those erect nipples they won’t show through your shirt. I read that on the internet somewhere I think.
I understand that the Geneva Genomics experts are the best in the world so clearly no expense is being spared to investigate this mystery. I fear I won’t sleep a wink until I know.
@David: Thanks for the BandAid advice. That sounds like a fairly inexpensive solution. Have you tried it yourself?
Yes, I have a lot of faith in the Geneva expert I’ve contracted.
Yippppeeee! It’s just a matter of days, I suppose, that I will have confirmation whether or not Marie is truly my mother. I have spent the last couple of weeks in anticipation of possibly meeting my mother for the first time. This is definitely an emotional time for me.
I would like to thank you again for your assistance with this situation. If the results show that I am 1/2 Shalampaxian, I will want to visit your land as soon as possible. I will look forward to meeting you in person.
BTW, mole skin is a less noticeable solution to your nipples and much less irritable than a band-aid.
@MadMadMargo: I’m glad I can be of service. I’ve gotten caught up with this and I think I’m almost as excited as you are.
As to visiting our land, that would have to be debated at the highest levels. We have no laws on what constitutes Shalampaxian citizenship or a right to visit without being served for dinner. To be honest, we never contemplated the possibility of there ever being someone with only one Shalampaxian parent.
If that really is your picture on your profile I know that about half of the population–the males–will be in favor of welcoming you with open arms. The other half–the females–will justly fear the competition. Males have a slight majority in parliament, but only slight.
That debate can wait until we find out if you really are half Shalampaxian, but I’m rooting for you.
Thanks for the advice on mole skin. I’ve got a hairy chest and I wasn’t looking forward to ripping any hairs off with the band-aids.
What? I can’t come to visit even if it’s proved my father is from Shalampax without being on the menu? Then how in the world did Marie manage to visit without being eaten?
@MadMadMargo: I didn’t say you couldn’t come here, but there is no precedent for it so it requires debate. I’ll certainly be arguing strongly to allow you to visit. I’d even welcome you to stay with me in my bachelor pad.
About Marie, there’s a funny story about that. The people here back then (I wasn’t born yet) grew tired of Marie because she incessantly corrected their spelling and grammar. So they tricked her into fleeing by telling her it was their custom to eat foreigners and the only reason they hadn’t done so up to then was that they were fattening her up. Actually, it was a bluff. There was no such custom. But, after thinking about it, Shalampaxians realized that cannibalism is a good way to deal with pesky foreigners. And we had come to view all foreigners as pesky. I understand there are a few countries where some people feel that way.
@Stoneupnose
Ah Ha!!! Lou Dobbs is actually a Shalampaxian! He hates dealing with foreigners. I knew that something wasn’t quite “right” about him and he looks pretty plump like one would expect of a practicing cannibal.
@David: Don’t misunderstand me. I didn’t say we hate foreigners. Far from it. We just find then pesky, and why deal with pesky people if you don’t have to?
I also didn’t mean to imply that everyone who is uncomfortable with foreigners is a Shalampaxian. Just that we are not alone in that. We are definitely not going to assume responsibility for this Lou Dobbs fellow. As to whether he practices cannibalism, I have no information on that.
@Stoneupnose
>>>Lou Dobbs is actually a Shalampaxian! He hates dealing with foreigners.
Please to note that I did not say he hates foreigners, I said he hates “dealing” with them.
And certainly there are plenty of xenophobes around who are not Shalampaxian but if you were to see him on his TV show and observe his appearance, you might well agree that he has a high probability of being from your fine island nation.
@David: You are right. You did say that. I need to develop better reading habits.
As to him being a Shalampaxian, not with a silly name like “Lou Dobbs” he’s not. Then again, maybe it’s just a stage name. But, still, I think I’d know if he was a Shalampaxian. We’re a rather small society here.
@Stoneupnose
Perhaps he escaped on a trade ship before you were born…much like Openfly did – well, except for the before being born part.
@David: Maybe, but I’m still skeptical. We started noticing comings and goings a lot more after Marie’s arrival here and that was back in 1952. I don’t know how old this Lou Dobbs fellow is, but I’m guessing he would have been quite young back then.