As to him being a Shalampaxian, not with a silly name like “Lou Dobbs” he’s not. Then again, maybe it’s just a stage name. But, still, I think I’d know if he was a Shalampaxian. We’re a rather small society here.

Please to note that I did not say he hates foreigners, I said he hates “dealing” with them.

And certainly there are plenty of xenophobes around who are not Shalampaxian but if you were to see him on his TV show and observe his appearance, you might well agree that he has a high probability of being from your fine island nation.

I also didn’t mean to imply that everyone who is uncomfortable with foreigners is a Shalampaxian. Just that we are not alone in that. We are definitely not going to assume responsibility for this Lou Dobbs fellow. As to whether he practices cannibalism, I have no information on that.

About Marie, there’s a funny story about that. The people here back then (I wasn’t born yet) grew tired of Marie because she incessantly corrected their spelling and grammar. So they tricked her into fleeing by telling her it was their custom to eat foreigners and the only reason they hadn’t done so up to then was that they were fattening her up. Actually, it was a bluff. There was no such custom. But, after thinking about it, Shalampaxians realized that cannibalism is a good way to deal with pesky foreigners. And we had come to view all foreigners as pesky. I understand there are a few countries where some people feel that way.

As to visiting our land, that would have to be debated at the highest levels. We have no laws on what constitutes Shalampaxian citizenship or a right to visit without being served for dinner. To be honest, we never contemplated the possibility of there ever being someone with only one Shalampaxian parent.

If that really is your picture on your profile I know that about half of the population–the males–will be in favor of welcoming you with open arms. The other half–the females–will justly fear the competition. Males have a slight majority in parliament, but only slight.

That debate can wait until we find out if you really are half Shalampaxian, but I’m rooting for you.

Thanks for the advice on mole skin. I’ve got a hairy chest and I wasn’t looking forward to ripping any hairs off with the band-aids.

I would like to thank you again for your assistance with this situation. If the results show that I am 1/2 Shalampaxian, I will want to visit your land as soon as possible. I will look forward to meeting you in person.

BTW, mole skin is a less noticeable solution to your nipples and much less irritable than a band-aid.