The Great Depression
Hugepimple, head of the psychology department at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, recently announced that the clinic has seen an enormous increase in the number of cases of depression that have been diagnosed in the past few weeks. Neither Hugepimple nor anyone else at the clinic can find a reason why a very large cross-section of the Shalampax population should have become so intensely despondent almost simultaneously.
“We have every reason to be miserable on this dismal, storm-plagued, Paahlm-forsaken puny island,” said Hugepimle, “but it has always been thus. So why should people become depressed now? That’s what has us stumped.”
In light of this problem, Hugepimple has recommended that all establishments in Shalampax that serve alcoholic beverages should immediately extend their hours of operation. He has no authority to enforce this course of action, but he strongly advises that it is the right thing to do under the circumstances.
When asked to provide the rationale behind his recommendation Hugepimple responded, “Rationale? Why the hell are you asking me? I bought my degree on the Internet. I don’t have a frigging clue how to treat our patients’ melancholy. Nobody here has any idea how to treat it. So, if we can’t cure it, at least somebody should profit from it. It might as well be the bar and pub owners.”
Thanks, Hugepimple, for your insightful guidance. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need a drink or ten.
Maybe people have been installing lower wattage bulbs to save electicity and the dimmer light has given them a case of the SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Although putting bright lights in the bars to counteract SAD would probably leave them even more depressed by the view around the room.
@David: That would be a plausible explanation for depression elsewhere, but not in Shalampax. We don’t make any attempt save electricity here. We harvest our electricity from lightning strikes that hit our building. Because we don’t incur any fuel costs to generate electricity, we don’t meter electricity distribution here. There is simply a small flat rate for every one that finances the repair, maintenance and replacement of the equipment.
Because of the frequency of lightning strikes here, our biggest problem is making sure that we don’t overload the large capacitors and batteries that store our electricity. Consequently, people are encouraged to waste, not save electricity. In fact, a growing problem is that as we buy new appliances, they tend to be more energy efficient than the ones they replace. Because our population is not and, for space reasons, cannot grow, we may have to start cutting back on the amount of electricity we harvest from lightning.