DNA Doesn’t Lie
Peeps, this is it. The results are in. The Geneva-based genomics expert emailed me his report on the analysis of Marie’s, MadMadMargo’s and Openfly’s DNA. We now have some definitive news about MadMadMargo’s parentage. I don’t know if she’ll be happy with the results or not, but that’s something she’ll have to decide.
If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, I suggest you get caught up by reading the chronological collection of my columns on this breaking news by looking at the Openfly Serial – Part 2 category.
I’ll get right to the point. Marie is MadMadMargo’s biological mother. The genomics expert states that, “considering the strong correlation between Marie’s and MadMadMargo’s DNA and, in particular, their mitochondrial DNA, which, in humans, is passed exclusively through the maternal line, there is only a one in 7.56 billion chance that anyone else could be MadMadMargo’s biological mother.”
MadMadMargo, I hope you’re not disappointed about having such a promiscuous, free-spirited mother. But the results are the results.
The genomics expert then looked at Openfly’s DNA and identified what he thought are genes that exist nowhere other than in the DNA of Shalampaxians. Of course, as he makes clear, he can’t be certain of that. However, those genes have never been found in any other human DNA yet analyzed. And there were too many seemingly unique genes to be genetic mutations in Openfly alone. Consequently, the expert is reasonably confident that they must circulate in only the very closed society of Shalampax.
None of those apparently unique Shalampaxian genes appeared in Marie’s DNA. Based on this, the genomics expert concluded that Marie is almost certainly not Shalampaxian, nor does she have any Shalampaxian heritage.
When he analyzed MadMadMargo’s DNA, the genomics expert found that slightly more than 50 percent of the unique Shalampaxian genes in Openfly’s genome are also in MadMadMargo’s genome. Because these genes can come only from a parent and because Marie has none of these genes, the genomics expert concluded that MadMadMargo’s biological father must be a Shalampaxian.
So MadMadMargo, it would appear that you are one of us, well half one of us. Be afraid. Be very afraid. People outside of Shalampax tell us that we are weird to the extreme. At least some of that weirdness is probably in you.
Of course, to us we are normal. So, MadMadMargo, if you’ve got most of our weirdness you’d fit right in here. I’ll have more to say on fitting in here in a minute.
As to confirming specifically who MadMadMargo’s father is, there’s some possibly good news on that front as well. The winds here have died down sufficiently for us to roll out our temporary dock. That is happening as we speak. The supply ship that has been waiting 75 miles offshore for favorable conditions should dock here soon.
Once the ship has offloaded its cargo—something that is always done as quickly as possible because calm periods are brief here—I’ll give the captain the DNA samples from Roof and the two guys Marie specifically remembers sleeping with around the time MadMadMargo was conceived. The captain has promised to dock at the nearest port and courier the samples to a DNA testing lab. We’ll probably have the results in three to four weeks.
(These results may not be conclusive because Marie says she slept with at least a dozen guys around the time MadMadMargo was conceived, but she only remembers the names of two. Thus, it’s possible that MadMadMargo’s father is not one of the three men who submitted DNA samples. Nonetheless, considering MadMadMargo’s birthmark, my money’s on Roof being MadMadMaro’s father, but who knows?)
I’m sure MadMadMargo’s parentage has repercussions for Shalampaxian society that we haven’t considered yet. They will likely become clear in the fullness of time. Or not.
However, there is one implication that we will have to deal with right away. In a comment on a previous post, MadMadMargo expressed a desire to visit Shalampax.
As you know, we don’t get along well with outsiders. In fact, we usually eat (and not in a good way) any foreigners who manage to land on our shores.
Furthermore, MadMadMargo’s expressed desire to come here made a lot of Shalampaxians suspicious. We live on a speck of an island with one building and a few coconut palm trees, we’re surrounded by almost unrelentingly vicious seas, and we’re tormented by virtually continuous ghastly weather. Nobody wants to come here. The only reasons for anyone still living here are the difficulty of getting off the island and, more important, the international arrest warrants sworn out against most Shalampaxians. As a result, some people here suspect that MadMadMargo may have an evil ulterior motive for wanting to come here, although no one can figure out what it might be.
The question then is, considering all of our concerns, does having a Shalampaxian father and a mother who is, more than anyone else, responsible for modern-day Shalampaxian society provide sufficient grounds to give MadMadMargo the right to come here without the threat of being served for dinner?
I’ve informed Parliament of this issue and our parliamentarians are debating it between their naps.
The sides in the debate are forming along gender lines. As a result of seeing the picture that MadMadMargo has posted on her blog, the men fervently desire to have her visit or, better yet, move here.
On the other hand, the women, who have also seen MadMadMargo’s picture, are desperate to keep her out because they think (probably correctly) that there is no way they could compete with MadMadMargo for the hearts and other body parts of Shalampaxian men.
Peeps, I’ll let you know the result of that debate as soon as I hear it. Bye for now.
Truly, my emotions are running high. I am excited and apprehensive at the same time. Will Marie want to meet me? Will Marie like me?
Yes, I would like to visit Shalampax, but only if I’m a welcomed guestand there’s a guarantee that I won’t end up on the menu. Perhaps, Marie and I can visit together. It is possible a trip back to Shalampax may jog Marie’s memory of who she had sex with around the time of my conception.
Thank you for this report. I must take a few days to decide how I will proceed with this news.
@MadMadMargo: I haven’t talked to Marie directly, but based on the conversation she had with Marie when the news of your adoption first arose, it sounds as though giving you up for adoption was very hard for her. It sounds as though she did it only because she felt that, due to her situation at the time, that would be best for you. So I’m fairly confident she’ll want to meet you. I’ll have Openfly ask her.
As to coming to Shalampax, I’ll let you know what Parliament decides. I should warn you that getting here is very difficult. There is no room to land airplanes or even helicopters here so the only way to arrive is by ship. Because of an unexplained bizarre microclimate that results in gale-force winds buffeting an area of about a 50 to 100 mile radius of Shalampax almost all of the time, ships sometimes have to wait offshore for months before they can dock safely. If the weather smiles on you you might be able to arrive here in little more than a week. If not, it could be months. If you’re willing to put up with that, and if Parliament approves your visit, I, for one, would be eager to meet you.
I don’t know how Marie would feel about returning here. She was not treated well near the end of her stay. Plus, Marie is getting on in years and I don’t know if she’s up to the arduous journey to Shalampax. But I can have Openfly ask Marie about that as well.
Sorry if I sound like a wet blanket but I fear that Marie may grow old and die before the Parliament gets around to a decision – given their aggressive napping schedule.
For that matter, MadMadMargo may well be so old she is unable to travel by the time that decision arrives so no need to go shopping for traveling clothes and luggage just yet.
I hope Marie can and will make the trip back – I’m eager to find out if Marie recognizes any of her lovers some 50 years later – who knows what kind off romance might be rekindled.
@David: I’m not as pessimistic about the decision schedule as you are. True, our parliamentarians nap a lot, but when they are awake they tend to make decisions rather quickly. The alternative would be to actually research, analyze and debate the issues . That’s much more effort than they want to make.
Marie is getting quite old, but Openfly tells me she is quite spry for her age and seems to be in very good health. That having been said, I do have more confidence in MadMadMargo’s ability to make the journey than Marie’s. We’ll have to wait and see.
Yeah, I’d be surprised if Marie recognizes her old lovers after all this time. In addition, because of our shallow gene pool, there’s not much variation in the appearance of full-blooded Shalampaxians (MadMadMargo seems to have dodged that bullet thanks to her mother). We’ve learned to easily recognize the subtle differences among us, but to outsiders we pretty much all look alike.