Shalampax Speaks

Peeps, the debate in Parliament over whether to give visitors’ visas to Marie and MadMadMargo was the most vociferous that anyone in Shalampax can remember. That’s not saying much because it’s typically difficult to differentiate between debating and snoozing in the Shalampax Parliament. Nonetheless, there was considerable fervor this time.

The debate about MadMadMargo split almost perfectly on gender lines. The men took one look at MadMadMargo’s picture and insisted that a visa must be granted; the sooner the better. They are all convinced that they will be able to woo her when she arrives. Saliva was seen to be involuntarily drooling out of the sides of the mouths of some male Members of Parliament while they debated.

The only male parliamentarian who seemed disinterested in whether or not MadMadMargo visits was Pinkstone, who is gay.

The women almost uniformly took the opposite side of the debate. They looked at MadMadMargo’s picture and said variations of, “No frigging way is she coming here. I’ll never get any man while she’s here.”

As with the men, there was one contrary view among the women in Parliament, and for the same reason. Beaverpelt, a lesbian, was indifferent and did not participate in the debate.

Most private citizens and many exhibitionist citizens also had strong feelings about the issue. However, only two chose to accept the invitation for public presentations to parliament. Both of presenters were males and each took an opposing position.

Roof is thoroughly convinced that he is MadMadMargo’s father. He is getting on in years and is desperately determined to meet his daughter before he dies. He passionately plead the case for granting MadMadMargo’s visa.

The other presenter was Rollingstone. He was one of the two men whose names Marie was able to remember when she was asked who MadMadMargo’s father might be. Rollingstone is not a rich man and he is terrified that if MadMadMargo comes here she might try to extract support payments from him if it turns out that he is MadMadMargo’s father.

Of course, Rollingstone is an idiot. He voluntarily submitted a DNA sample for testing. There is no law in Shalampax that could have forced him to do so. Even if he is MadMadMargo’s father, he could have easily avoided proof of paternity by refusing to submit a DNA sample. By Marie’s own admission, there are probably at least a dozen other guys who might be MadMadMargo’s father. Marie just can’t remember most of their names.

The vote in Parliament was close. By a single vote, Parliament approved MadMadMargo’s visa, with an absolute guarantee that she will not be the victim of cannibalism while she is here. The visa is valid for a visit of up to one year, with the option of a renewal for an additional year. The visa can be used at any time. The year will begin when she arrives.

If she wishes, MadMadMargo may apply for permanent residency status after she arrives, but Parliament refuses to commit itself at this time as to whether the application would be approved.

The debate around Marie’s visa was complicated by her demands, which some Members of Parliament considered onerous. When looking at simply the visa, the voices in the debate were almost unanimously in favor.

In this case, there was little sexual tension in the discussions. Marie is now in her early eighties. Based on the fact that she claims to be still able to attract men, male Members of Parliament assumed that she must have retained much of her beauty in her later years so, as a result of that and her continued promiscuity, they were interested in having her come here. (Marie is rumored to have been an amazing beauty in her youth—which is obviously where MadMadMargo got her beauty because it certainly didn’t come from a Shalampaxian—but there are no pictures from Marie’s time in Shalampax to confirm that.)

Rightly or wrongly, few female parliamentarians felt threatened by an octogenarian.

Some business leaders made presentations to Parliament arguing against allowing Marie to come here. They fear that, because Shalampax likely would still not have entered the modern world had it not been for Marie, she might use that argument to claim a legal right to a portion of their businesses.

Parliament ignored the business people because parliamentarians have proven very adept at extracting money from the business people without their consent. Therefore, the Members of Parliament saw no benefit in acquiescing to the business people’s demands.

In the end, parliament approved Marie’s visa application because they felt that honoring the woman who can appropriately, if only rhetorically, be called “the mother of modern Shalampax” was the right thing to do. Shalampaxians aren’t normally predisposed to doing the right thing, but Parliament made an exception in this case.

No time limit was placed on Marie’s visa. She can choose to move here permanently if she wishes.

As to Marie’s demands, Parliament accepted all of them. Like MadMadMargo’s visa, Marie’s visa comes with a guarantee that she will not be cannibalized while here.

Marie’s proposed travel arrangements are acceptable to the government. And Roof has agreed to pick up the cost of the helicopter from American Samoa because he is determined to see Marie, whom he freely admits he still loves more than his wife even after all of these decades, and MadMadMargo, whom, as I said earlier, he his certain is his daughter.

The government of Shalampax, which doesn’t normally do apologies, has nonetheless issued the following formal apology to Marie:

“The Government of Shalampax freely and without limitation admits that the displeasure that the people of Shalampax felt due to Marie constantly correcting Shalampaxians’ grammar and spelling was childish and petty. The treatment that the people of Shalampax afforded Marie in her final days here was, therefore, wholly unwarranted and reprehensible. On behalf of the people of Shalampax, the Government of Shalampax unreservedly apologizes for any anguish and stress that Marie might have experienced as a result of the actions of the people of Shalampax.”

There you have it, peeps. MadMadMargo and Marie are free to come to Shalmpax whenever they like, without the threat of being served as dinner.

Oh MadMadMargo, there are a couple of things I should warn you about if you decide to take advantage of your visa. First, we do not allow guns in Shalampax. If you have any, please leave them at home. Otherwise, they will be confiscated on arrival and thrown into the ocean.

Second, when you arrive, several men will undoubtedly tell you that the government has ordered that you strip down and allow them to perform a full body frisk on you to check for guns. That is a lie. There is no such government requirement. That’s what metal detectors and x-ray machines are for. Feel free to refuse those men unless, of course, you’d like to have your body thoroughly and intimately frisked. If so, well, that’s entirely your call.

Openfly Serial - Part 2 immigration, visa, visitors visa