Many people spend considerable time and end up terribly frustrated searching for answers they will never find.
How did the universe form? What was here before it came into existence? Is there a purpose to life or do we just exist? Whether or not species evolved, how did the first life-form come to be? How are a few unsightly, dweebs of men able to hook up with some of the most beautiful of women? These and many other seemingly momentous questions have plagued humanity for millennia.
Right here in Shalampax there are a number of enigmas specific to our island that no one has been able to solve. For example, consider the following:
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Peeps, this is it. The results are in. The Geneva-based genomics expert emailed me his report on the analysis of Marie’s, MadMadMargo’s and Openfly’s DNA. We now have some definitive news about MadMadMargo’s parentage. I don’t know if she’ll be happy with the results or not, but that’s something she’ll have to decide.
If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, I suggest you get caught up by reading the chronological collection of my columns on this breaking news by looking at the Openfly Serial – Part 2 category.
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If there’s one thing I’ve learned on the business beat hear at Shalampax Speaks it’s that you should never underestimate the power of good marketing to boost profitability, or the power of bad marketing to kill it.
Take The Shalampax Shoe Store as an example. When Buttcrack opened her store a little over ten years ago she ordered, among other items, a very large inventory of one particular type of shoe. For ten years, that shoe didn’t sell; not a single pair.
Other types of shoes sold, but not that one.
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Hugepimple, head of the psychology department at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, recently announced that the clinic has seen an enormous increase in the number of cases of depression that have been diagnosed in the past few weeks. Neither Hugepimple nor anyone else at the clinic can find a reason why a very large cross-section of the Shalampax population should have become so intensely despondent almost simultaneously.
“We have every reason to be miserable on this dismal, storm-plagued, Paahlm-forsaken puny island,” said Hugepimle, “but it has always been thus. So why should people become depressed now? That’s what has us stumped.”
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Emptybucket is scheduled to give another in his continuing series of renowned, mind-numbingly tedious lectures at lunchtime tomorrow. Tomorrow’s topic is “The Decorative Use of Copper in 18th Century Shalampax.”
This lecture should not be quite as tiresome as most of Emptybucket’s talks. In fact, it will likely be remarkably short as there are no known copper deposits in Shalampax and the metal was first imported here in the mid-1960s. What’s more, there is no recorded Shalampaxian history prior to 1952 and no known metal artifacts of any kind that date back to 18th century Shalampax.
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Peeps, are you as excited as I am?
I’m sorry. Of course, you can’t answer that until you know how excited I am. Well, let me tell you. I’m a guy and about as manly a man as you’ll find in Shalampax, which, admittedly, is not saying much, but my nipples are erect. That’s how electrified I am!
I almost forgot, I haven’t told you yet why I’m so keyed up, have I?
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