Shalampax Speaks

Well, peeps, the transformation has begun. Openfly recently had the first of her cosmetic surgeries. As I mentioned before, she’s going all out. Included in her list of planned beauty-enhancing operations are a nose job, a lip job, a jaw job, a chin job, a boob job, a butt job, a tummy tuck and some work on her thighs.

To save time and money, she’s scheduling two surgeries at once whenever possible. For her first set of operations, which were conducted shortly before Christmas, she had her nose done by one surgeon at the same time as a second surgeon was working on tucking her tummy. She chose the nose job and tummy tuck for her first cuttings because they are far enough apart that the two surgeons could work simultaneously without getting in each other’s way.

Next up are her lips and thighs, again to be done in simultaneous operations by two different surgeons. Those procedures are scheduled for the first week of January.

A cosmetic surgeon has told her that he can take the excess skin off her chin at the same time as he reconstructs her jaw. That will be done in late January.

Because she is not having anything else done while lying on her front, her butt job will stand alone. It’ll get done in the middle of February.

Openfly is saving her boob job for last. Although, to be honest, I don’t know why she is having her breasts done at all. I’ve always felt that she has beautiful boobs. And I’ve had the pleasure of feeling her boobs often.

I know what you’re thinking: Her breasts are beautiful for a Shalampaxian woman, but they aren’t good enough now that she’s in California. No, that’s not true at all.

I’ve watched as many porn movies as the next guy. So I’ve seen, at least on video, thousands upon thousands of non-Shalampaxian boobs. I’m here to tell you that Openfly’s breasts stack up well against the best of them.

True, Openfly’s breasts are much bigger than most of those porn stars’ boobs. And her boobs are a little—only a little—droopy, but I think they’re awesome. Oh well, I guess a awesome isn’t good enough for Openfly. She wants perfect breasts. Good luck to her on that score.

On an only very vaguely related note, MadMadMargo arrived at Marie’s resort shortly before Christmas and MadMadMargo’s family joined her on Christmas Eve. They are all there now. MadMadMargo and Marie want to have a lot of time with no one else around because they have a lot of catching up to do. They are hoping to forge the parent-child bond that didn’t have a chance much of a chance to form before Marie gave MadMadMargo up for adoption.

As a result, Openfly didn’t wasn’t able to sit in on Marie’s and MadMadMargo’s reunion. That’s probably just as well. I don’t think Openfly would have been good company while she was recuperating from her surgeries.

I hope MadMadMargo will drop us a comment here at Shalampax Speaks and let us know how she got along with Marie.

Ta-ta for now, peeps. Be cool.

Openfly Serial - Part 2 boob job, boobs, breast job, breasts, cosmetic surgery, surgery

Rottentomato, owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, has asked me to let his prospective customers know that he still has a few spots open for his annual New Year’s Eve party. For those of you who don’t have calendars and don’t pay attention to such things, which is common among Shalampaxians, today is December 30, so New Year’s Eve is tomorrow night.

This year, for just $500 per person or $1,200 per couple, Rottentomato is offering a selection of roast rodent and insect appetizers, a main course of pan-seared imported garden slugs and kelp, and a dessert course of all-artificially flavored ices.

Because of the expected demand for tables, Rottentomato will not seat losers who come in alone on New Year’s Eve. Nor will he issue separate checks for individuals at a table. Thus, the people at each table will have to pay at least one couple’s charge.

For your entertainment pleasure, Rottentomato bought a kazoo that he will be playing. He tells me that has been rehearsing a number of waltzes and other rhythmic tunes so you’ll be able to dance the night away, if you so choose. Of course, Shalampaxians don’t dance—we barely move—and we’re not really into music at all, so there might not be much call for the kazoo. In fact, I think Rottentomato might have been lying about having a kazoo.

Just before the magic hour, Rottentomato will pass out thimbles full of champagne, at no additional charge. Then, when the clock strikes midnight, everyone will raise their thimbles and Rottentomato will take the opportunity to feel-up all of the ladies, again at no additional charge.

Miscellaneous new year's eve

The Infinitiaty Church has just announced an inventory-wide Buy One, Get One Free Sin Dispensation Sale. That’s right, if you need to be absolved of some sins, for every dispensation you buy at the full list price you get an additional sin dispensation of equal or lesser value absolutely free.

If you’ve been especially evil, this is a great time to stock up on all of the dispensations you need to gain complete absolution, no matter what you’ve done and no matter how many times you’ve done it. Remember, there is no limit to the number of dispensations you can buy under this deal! For every dispensation you purchase at the full price, you get a second one of equal or lesser value free. No strings attached.

And if you’ve been a downright saintly person, now’s the time to cut loose, enjoy yourself, and do a couple of really wicked things knowing that you can buy one dispensation and get a second “get out of hell free” card at no additional charge.

Contact your local Church of Infinitiaty clerical representative to get in on this amazing deal. But, don’t delay! The Church of Infinitiaty’s Buy One, Get One Free Sin Dispensation Sale lasts until only January 31, 2010.

Business absolution, absolved, church, dispensations, evil, forgiveness, pardon, salvation, sin

Roof, who we now know fathered MadMadMargo with Marie, has been terribly depressed since learning that Marie did not recall having had sex with him while she was in Shalampax. According to Roof, Marie was the most important, most loved person in his life. And he remembers sex with her as being intensely passionate.

Roof was busy feeling terribly sorry for himself until he remembered that Marie wouldn’t have known him as “Roof.” He didn’t take his current name until he saw the roof being put on Shalampax’s building, which didn’t happen until years after Marie left. Until then, he used his pre-Marie grunting and shrieking name that can best be rendered in English as “Geeerkreeek.”

Roof also tells me that while Marie was here he proposed marriage to her a number of times. He was turned down every time, but he thinks that he was the only man in Shalampax to ever propose to Marie, although he’s not certain about the women.

I passed that information on to Openfly and asked her to see if it jogged Marie’s memory. Here’s what Marie told Openfly.

“Geeerkreeek? The name doesn’t sound particularly familiar, but all of the names that the people on the island used before I came along sounded like nothing more than screeches and squawks to me. I couldn’t tell one name from another.

“But I do remember the guy who proposed to me. There was only one. That was Roof? Oh man, I loved that guy. I tried to get him to adopt a name that I could remember and say, but he refused. He never told me why. I’m glad to hear he finally has a pronounceable name.

“Roof was great. He was the best lover I had in Shalampax—and since. And he was the sweetest guy you’d ever want to meet. But I wasn’t into marriage then. I was a hippie before there were hippies. To my thinking at the time, marriage seemed like a prison sentence.

“In fact, I was surprised that any Shalampaxian would ask me to marry him after what I taught them about marriage. The whole concept of matrimony was foreign to them before I explained it. Prior to that, they formed relationships; some of their relationships were even somewhat exclusive, but the relationships were never formalized.

“Because of my free-love philosophy back then, I told the Shalampaxians about marriage as a part of what I considered to be my responsibility to educate them, but I preached free love and denounced the shackles of marriage.

“So when Roof proposed to me—again, and again, and again—I was floored. I tried to pretend I was indignant over him proposing after all I had said about marriage, but I was secretly touched.

“Nonetheless, marriage would never have worked. I was a super-nymphomaniac back then. There’s no way I was going to promise monogamy. I don’t make promises I know I can’t keep and I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep that one. So marriage was out of the question.

“I’ve changed a lot since then. I now see considerable emotional value in entering into a deep, committed, soulful relationship with someone you love. At one time I would have added, ‘particularly if he has money,’ but I’m fairly wealthy now. On the other hand, despite having slowed down now that I’m in my eighties, I still don’t think I could be satisfied with just one man.

“It’ll be great getting back together with Roof if I visit Shalampax with MadMadMargo. But I seem to remember reading in one of the Shalampax Speaks columns that Roof is married. That could be a problem.

“I wonder if his wife is the same woman he had been spending a lot of time with when I was screwing him back in the old days. It’s funny. As soon as I explained the concept of marriage to him, he started calling her his wife even though he proposed marriage to me. Hmm. Maybe he did understand my free love message, after all.”

Isn’t that a touching story, peeps? Later.

Openfly Serial - Part 2 marriage, relationships

Yesterday, I attended another of Emptybucket’s exceptionally superfluous, dreary talks. Yesterday’s subject was “Using Dust, Dust Bunnies, Grime and Soap Scum as Decorative Elements.”

Emptybucket contends that these materials are perfect for home decoration, but too many people misuse them. Rather than over-thinking and over-working your home decoration projects, you should, according to Emptybucket, just let the dust, dust bunnies, grime and soap scum lie where they fall, thereby creating a much more natural decorative motif.

Emptybucket criticized people who use sponges, mops, rags, cleansers and water to alter their collection of dust, dust bunnies, grime and soap scum, thereby giving the resulting decoration an artificial feel. “Natural is definitely the way to go in home decorating,” exclaimed Emptybucket.

I usually fall asleep within the first few seconds of Emptybucket’s talks, but I was riveted to my seat with rapt attention yesterday. I love it when “academics” validate my existing lifestyle.

Events decorate, dust, dust bunnies, grime, home decoration, slob, soap scum

I was not originally scheduled to write today’s post in Shalampax Speaks. However, I asked to take over this space to issue a correction for something I said in the article I published yesterday explaining Christmas and it’s customs to people who were not familiar with the holiday.

Yesterday, I wrote, “Christmas celebrants are expected to take and execute a vow of poverty by maxing out their credit cards to buy lavish gifts for family and friends.” Apparently, that statement is false.

I have been informed that, strictly speaking, it is not mandatory to max out your credit card to properly celebrate Christmas. Instead, if you have amassed sufficient equity in your home that you can borrow against, you are permitted to do that instead.

Then again, considering the hit that the housing market took in many parts of the world, this may not be an option for many people.

I apologize for the error in yesterday’s column and I regret any confusion it might have caused.

Sprituality Christmas, spending