Well, peeps, the transformation has begun. Openfly recently had the first of her cosmetic surgeries. As I mentioned before, she’s going all out. Included in her list of planned beauty-enhancing operations are a nose job, a lip job, a jaw job, a chin job, a boob job, a butt job, a tummy tuck and some work on her thighs.
To save time and money, she’s scheduling two surgeries at once whenever possible. For her first set of operations, which were conducted shortly before Christmas, she had her nose done by one surgeon at the same time as a second surgeon was working on tucking her tummy. She chose the nose job and tummy tuck for her first cuttings because they are far enough apart that the two surgeons could work simultaneously without getting in each other’s way.
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Rottentomato, owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, has asked me to let his prospective customers know that he still has a few spots open for his annual New Year’s Eve party. For those of you who don’t have calendars and don’t pay attention to such things, which is common among Shalampaxians, today is December 30, so New Year’s Eve is tomorrow night.
This year, for just $500 per person or $1,200 per couple, Rottentomato is offering a selection of roast rodent and insect appetizers, a main course of pan-seared imported garden slugs and kelp, and a dessert course of all-artificially flavored ices.
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The Infinitiaty Church has just announced an inventory-wide Buy One, Get One Free Sin Dispensation Sale. That’s right, if you need to be absolved of some sins, for every dispensation you buy at the full list price you get an additional sin dispensation of equal or lesser value absolutely free.
If you’ve been especially evil, this is a great time to stock up on all of the dispensations you need to gain complete absolution, no matter what you’ve done and no matter how many times you’ve done it. Remember, there is no limit to the number of dispensations you can buy under this deal! For every dispensation you purchase at the full price, you get a second one of equal or lesser value free. No strings attached.
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Roof, who we now know fathered MadMadMargo with Marie, has been terribly depressed since learning that Marie did not recall having had sex with him while she was in Shalampax. According to Roof, Marie was the most important, most loved person in his life. And he remembers sex with her as being intensely passionate.
Roof was busy feeling terribly sorry for himself until he remembered that Marie wouldn’t have known him as “Roof.” He didn’t take his current name until he saw the roof being put on Shalampax’s building, which didn’t happen until years after Marie left. Until then, he used his pre-Marie grunting and shrieking name that can best be rendered in English as “Geeerkreeek.”
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Yesterday, I attended another of Emptybucket’s exceptionally superfluous, dreary talks. Yesterday’s subject was “Using Dust, Dust Bunnies, Grime and Soap Scum as Decorative Elements.”
Emptybucket contends that these materials are perfect for home decoration, but too many people misuse them. Rather than over-thinking and over-working your home decoration projects, you should, according to Emptybucket, just let the dust, dust bunnies, grime and soap scum lie where they fall, thereby creating a much more natural decorative motif.
Emptybucket criticized people who use sponges, mops, rags, cleansers and water to alter their collection of dust, dust bunnies, grime and soap scum, thereby giving the resulting decoration an artificial feel. “Natural is definitely the way to go in home decorating,” exclaimed Emptybucket.
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I was not originally scheduled to write today’s post in Shalampax Speaks. However, I asked to take over this space to issue a correction for something I said in the article I published yesterday explaining Christmas and it’s customs to people who were not familiar with the holiday.
Yesterday, I wrote, “Christmas celebrants are expected to take and execute a vow of poverty by maxing out their credit cards to buy lavish gifts for family and friends.” Apparently, that statement is false.
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