Shalampax Speaks

Peeps, Shalampax hasn’t been the same since the departure of our party-girl extraordinaire and alcohol sponge, Openfly. And it looks as though it will never will be the same again.

Openfly is well into the United States immigration-application process. All indications are that her application will be successful.

Openfly took Marie’s recommendation to pursue an EB-5 investor class visa, which Marie said would be the easiest and fastest route to a U.S. green card and eventual citizenship. As per Marie’s suggestion, to support her investor class application, Openfly bought the property that was up for sale adjacent to Marie’s hippie-retro commune. The real estate transaction closed last week.

Openfly has already formed a company to hold the property and build a New Age paraphernalia manufacturers’ outlet mall on it. Researchers that she commissioned performed extensive market testing that affirms that the mall’s location beside the hippie-retro commune and near Big Sur is an ideal spot for that venture.

An architect has been contracted to design the mall and Openfly has hired professional managers for her new company. (She must promise to create at least ten jobs to be awarded an EB-5 visa.)

I had hoped that Openfly would join Marie and MadMadMargo if they visit Shalampax. Because Openfly and Marie are already good friends, I thought it would be nice if Openfly acted as Marie’s and MadMadMargo’s host in Shalampax. However, that probably isn’t going to happen.

As part of the immigration process, Openfly can’t leave America until her application has been accepted and her business class visa has been granted; not that that matters. Openfly told me she wouldn’t come back even if she could. In fact, she has absolutely no intention of ever returning to Shalampax.

When I asked Openfly if she thought she might reconsider after some time had passed, she lovingly replied, “I’d rather experience a slow, excruciatingly painful death than ever return to that fucking hellhole. What the hell am I saying? Living in Shalampax is a slow, excruciatingly painful death!”

Openfly has also made another decision. She’s going to have major cosmetic surgery, including a nose job, a lip job (both of them, I presume), a jaw job, a chin job, a boob job (again, I presume she’ll have both of them done), a butt job, a tummy tuck and some work on her thighs. She said something about also having her eyebrows plucked, but I don’t think that counts as cosmetic surgery.

There probably won’t be much of the original Openfly when she’s done.

Apparently, Openfly has not had as much success with men in California as she hoped. Openfly is exceptionally attractive relative to other Shalampaxian women, but that’s a low bar to jump over. A garden slug could clear it without breaking a sweat.

From what Openfly tells me, some people told her, right to her face, that her appearance does not live up to the California aesthetic. Others told her that she is as ugly as sin and then some. She’s also frequently referred to as a “quadruple-bagger,” whatever that means.

Because of the lack of competition in the beauty department back in Shalampax, she had no problem getting any man she wanted here. And she wanted lots.

When she was on the ship with Dr. Don Rivers, she was the only woman on board, which explains her success there.

However, in California her supercharged libido is being served almost exclusively by battery-powered devices. That’s not good enough for her, hence the plastic surgery.

That’s it for now, peeps. Catch you later.