Designated Walker
A high number of serious injuries frequently occur as a result of people falling down drunk in our corridors and hitting their heads on the floor or walls. The walls have always been a problem, but the number of injuries increased when the government bought robotic vacuum cleaners that have now removed the thick, protective layer of dust that used to sit atop our stone floors.
To address this serious safety issue, the Shalampax Medical Clinic recommends that, when you go out drinking, one in every three people in the drinking group should be appointed as a designated walker.
The idea is that, when it’s time to leave the party or pub, each of the other two people in the threesome will lean on one of the shoulders of the designated walker. The designated walker will then wrap an arm around each of the designated drunkards to give them enough support to minimize the probability of the drunkards falling.
The Medical Clinic recommends that the designated walker restrict his or her alcohol consumption to no more than two or three regular-sized alcoholic drinks per hour. This will put a gentle sway into his or her steps, but it is a low enough quantity of alcohol such that the designated walker should not have too much difficultly remaining relatively vertical.
So–no cars in Shalampax? I like that.
That’s a heck of an idea, but there’s one thing to consider — getting charged with public intoxication. Yes, even walking down the road drunk in these parts can get you picked up on a public intox charge (heck, people have been known to get charged with public intox when riding in a car with a designated driver).
I, then, would suggest at least two designated walkers — one on which the drunks can lean and another to help straighten up the drunks as they slump so they look more stable and can avoid getting charged.
@Patricia: Cars would be a bit silly in Shalampax. We have only one building and no roads. The only thing we could do with a car is make out in the back seat and we have plenty of other places for that.
@The Hawg!: Wow, you really lack freedom where you live, don’t you? We don’t have public intoxication laws. You only get in trouble if you do something that is illegal while intoxicated, but there’s not a lot that’s illegal here.
I think you are missing an ideal high tech solution. Those electric scooters that are always being advertized on TV would mean no one needs to stand or walk. The bar could save money by no longer needing to provide chairs or stools. They could run in the hallways now that they would have no obstacles thanks to the robot vacuums.
And let’s face the facts – where is anyone going to find a Shampaxian who will remain sober enough to be the designated walker??
@David: I don’t know, I foresee a number of problems with your suggestion. For one, if there are serious drunk-walking accidents, imagine what damage a drunkard could do with one of those things. And if everyone started driving them, we’d have to set some hallway driving laws and maybe put in some traffic lights to prevent chaos. In addition, if we stopped walking, we wouldn’t get any exercise at all.
I admit that it will be difficult to find any people willing to be designated walkers, but I think it’s our best shot.