Many people, in many parts of the world celebrate Christmas today.
I’m a Paahlmist by choice because Paahlmism has more holidays than any other religion. I’m also familiar with all of the cults religions provided by Shalampax’s cult religion companies. However, I must admit, that I’m not familiar with Christianity, the religion that created Christmas.
In my role as spiritual reporter here at Shalampax Speaks, and as a benefit for readers who are, like me until recently, unfamiliar with the meaning and customs of Christmas, I did some research on the holiday. The following is what I found.
Read more…
In the past, the Shalampax school has issued report cards with “A” through “F” letter grades for each subject. Until now, report cards have been sent home with students three times a year.
It has long been felt that the letter grades were somewhat arbitrary and not particularly descriptive of the students’ academic progress and achievements. In addition, teachers have long complained that assigning letter grades to every student three times a year was too onerous a task, particularly when you consider how much time teachers have to spend stretching and yawning in preparation for their classes.
In consideration of these complaints, the Shalampax school is changing its reporting procedures. From now on, report cards will be issued only once annually, at the end of the school year.
Read more…
A high number of serious injuries frequently occur as a result of people falling down drunk in our corridors and hitting their heads on the floor or walls. The walls have always been a problem, but the number of injuries increased when the government bought robotic vacuum cleaners that have now removed the thick, protective layer of dust that used to sit atop our stone floors.
To address this serious safety issue, the Shalampax Medical Clinic recommends that, when you go out drinking, one in every three people in the drinking group should be appointed as a designated walker.
Read more…
Shalampax’s spam companies are reporting that holiday sales have been exceptionally high this year. As a result, in the new year the world will be filled with millions of women with larger, firmer breasts and millions of men with longer, thicker penises; and erectile dysfunction should be a thing of the past for many of the men who suffer from it now.
Our spam companies are at a loss to explain why holiday sales were so strong this year. However, they think that a great many people likely intend to pay off their holiday-induced debts with the millions of dollars that they foresee receiving from the unexpected inheritances they got from people they don’t know or from their winnings from lotteries for which they didn’t buy tickets. This, too, has added to our spam companies’ holiday profits.
Read more…
Peeps, Shalampax hasn’t been the same since the departure of our party-girl extraordinaire and alcohol sponge, Openfly. And it looks as though it will never will be the same again.
Openfly is well into the United States immigration-application process. All indications are that her application will be successful.
Read more…
Redpencil, owner of the Third-Floor Pub, is always on the lookout for exciting ways to entertain his customers. He recently read that some raunchy bars elsewhere in the world have had considerable success with wet t-shirt contests. He decided to try it out in his bar.
His first, and probably his last, experiment with a wet t-shirt contest occurred last night. Redpencil had no problem finding women who would agree to participate. However, the contest got off to a slow start.
Read more…
