Shalampax Speaks

I am pleased to announce that Tuboflard, the Chief Medical Officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, is having great success with her diet. She has already lost almost one hundred pounds.

She has succeeded in her diet by taking the occasional break from eating rather than eating continuously throughout the day as she did in the past. I fear that she might have to go a little further if she’s going to continue to lose weight.

Now, because of her poundage, she burns off a tremendous number of calories just carrying around all of her fat whenever she walks somewhere. The number of calories she burns per minute will decline as her weight declines.

Tuboflard tells me that, for the first time in her adult life, she can now visually confirm that she does, indeed, have feet. Although, to do so, she has to bend far enough to form an almost 90 degree angle. Unfortunately, she still requires help to get back up after bending down.

If Tuboflard keeps thinning out, she will eventually no longer resemble her name—a resemblance that is purely coincidental. She was named after a literal tub of lard that her parents spied shortly after she was born.

There is a downside to this. The only qualification that Tuboflard has for her Chief Medical Officer job is that looking at her makes the rest of us feel good about our fat and lack of fitness. If she drops another two or three hundred she might lose that qualification.

This would be a disaster for Tuboflard. Because she has no other skills, if she loses her Chief Medical Officer job she may have trouble providing for herself and her children. This just goes to prove that old adage, every silver lining has a cloud. Or something to that effect.