Shalampax Speaks

Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company, has devised an exciting way for people outside the company to participate in the enormous profits available from spam.

The company will shortly begin to divide its spam mailings into batches of 10 million emails each. The company will then sell to the general public up to 10 shares in each of these batches. Owners of each share will receive 10 percent of the net profits, after expenses, from their spam batch. Spams R Us may sell all 10 shares of a particular batch to the public or it may retain some or all of them for its own account.

Each batch will contain a single email sent to 10 million addresses. The price of the share of a batch will depend on what the batch’s email promotes—male enhancement potions, breast enlargement lotions, cheap pharmaceuticals, inheritance unlocking plans, etc.

The price of a share will vary depending on the average historical profit of that type of spam. The price will be set such that, based on historical averages, investors should expect to make about a 20 percent return on their investments.

Of course, as they say, past performance is not necessarily an accurate indicator of future returns. Some people may or may not see investment returns of significantly greater than 20 percent and some might achieve lower returns. In no case will any investor lose more than his or her initial investment, however there is no guarantee that there will be any profit or that any of the original investment will be returned.

To protect the trade secrets of Spams R Us, the release of which might negatively affect the profitability of the company’s spam and, therefore the return on investors’ investments, Spams R Us will divulge spam share prices only to individuals who sign a nondisclosure agreement. In addition, the company will assume full responsibility for recording sales of shares, tracking revenues received, and calculating the resulting profits. To protect the confidentiality of this proprietary data, outside auditors will not be allowed to review the raw data.

If you would like to invest in this spam plan, please state your interest in a comment on this blog post. This is an amazing way to benefit from spam, in addition, of course, to buying the unbelievably valuable products and services promoted by the spam!

Spams R Us will be sending out one billion emails promoting this spam share program next week and an additional billion the following week. Unfortunately, that is too soon for the company to be able to sell shares in the spam mailings promoting this incredible investment.