Cockroach Delicacies
Rottentomato, owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, has asked me to let his patrons and prospective patrons know that cockroaches are exceptionally tasty right now.
What’s more, because all of the cockroaches in his dishes are free-range insects, rather than being factory farmed, their treatment is much more humane than would otherwise be the case. In addition, because the cockroaches are local, rather than imported, no greenhouse gases—other than the carbon dioxide exhaled by Rottentomato and his staff as they breath and some methane as they fart—are emitted to deliver these tasty treats to your table.
Rottentomato reports that the current sanitary conditions in his kitchen have produced a particularly plentiful batch of plump cockroaches. Because of their abundance, Rottentomato can offer them for what are, for his restaurant, very reasonable prices.
To allow his customers to enjoy the current batch of cockroaches to its fullest, Rottentomato has added specials to his menu in addition to the normal cockroach-based items. The appetizer special is a cockroach pâté served on a bed of aged lettuce. For a main course, customers can choose a spicy, mouse-turd-studded cockroach stew. And the dessert special is cockroach flambé on fusty cheesecake.
But be warned, you have to hurry in to enjoy these delicious treats at the current low prices. Rottentomato is due perform the biennial cleaning of his kitchen next week. After that, the cockroaches won’t be quite as plentiful or well-fed for another two years.
I’m afraid cable TV has rendered the cockroach passe as either a snack, garnish or, when sauteed with pasta or rice, a main dish. I have eaten a lot of trans-fats in my day, so memory problems prevent me from giving you the name of the star or his show, but he’s heavy-set. He travels the globe with a strong-stomached camaraman who tapes him eating. He eats things like newts, curried field mice, blackened turantulas and so forth. The point here is that his show, I’m afraid, has probably made people a little jaded in terms of the common domestic cockroach. If the customer base is to be retained, I think this means your restaurant will need to check with, say, an exotic pet importer to stay competitive. The good news is,cockroach desserts are still in vogue.
@barry knister: The truth is that Rottentomato simply uses the cheapest ingredients he can find and then charges the most he can get away with for his dishes. Because he doesn’t have a lot of competition here and most of us would rather not be bothered cooking most of the time, he can get away with a lot.
Where I live, free range cockroaches are as scarce as black truffles so they are treated as something special.
@David: I’m sure you enjoy them whenever you can get them.
@Birdinhand
While they are indeed “special”, I’m not sure the word “enjoy” is how I describe the experience.
@David: To be honest, I’ve never tried them. But I’m told that if you close your eyes they taste exactly like chicken cooked horribly.