Shalampax Speaks

Many people in other parts of the world celebrate today as Florists’ Economic Super-Stimulus Day, or Valentine’s Day, for short. Giving flowers and feigning love are traditional ways to observe the day.

We don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day here in Shalampax. Flowers are one of the problems. We don’t have any florists, we don’t grow flowers, and we don’t import flowers.

For another thing, if it weren’t for sex, none of us would spend any time with our partners if we would possibly avoid it. The feeling is mutual.

By the way, who was the tedious person who convinced us to use the politically correct term “partner” when we really mean “live-in, steady sex-mate whom we are not living with?” “Partner” makes it sound like you are carrying on business with them, not carrying on with them. Then again, come to think of it, partner fits sometimes, doesn’t it? Never mind.

And, “Valentine’s Day?” Who are they kidding? I looked it up. It’s named after a Catholic priest. Excuse me? What do Catholic priests know about romantic love except, of course, with choirboys? But that’s something completely different.

Who the hell needs the stress of Valentine’s Day? Did you remember buy the love of your life a card, dinner, present, and/or flowers? Did you mouth the right words to him or her on Valentine’s Day? Did you do anything to piss him or her off on this of all days? The landmines on Valentine’s Day are everywhere.

You don’t believe me when I say Valentine’s Day is traumatic? What about the Saint Valentine’s Day massacre? Do you think it was an accident that it happened on Valentine’s Day? No way. I’m convinced that the stress of the day drove the gangsters berserk and that’s why they did all of that killing. Remember, you heard it here first.

So, no, we don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day in Shalampax. And that’s a good thing.