Shalampax Speaks

Spiltmilk, that headache with feet who for some reason has deluded herself into thinking that the school board matters and people care, has been doing more research. She’s found that, as far as she has been able to find, no other school board in the world uses the happy/neutral/sad face, student self-assessment report cards that the Shalampax school board introduced just a couple of months ago.

Instead, report cards in other countries usually grade students on what they’ve learned and report on their progress toward achieving educational goals. We don’t currently do that in Shalampax. Students so rarely progress that everyone notices when one of them does. So, there’s no need to report on it. What’s more, parents don’t give a damn how their students are doing at school as long as they stay there for as long as possible and don’t bother their parents at home.

Nonetheless, Spiltmilk is determined to have the Shalampax school issue report cards that are more like those found elsewhere in the world, fruitless exercise though it may be.

The problem is that teachers here will rebel strongly against the work involved in assessing students rather than having students assess themselves. Teachers will also be royally pissed off about having to fill in standard report cards that convey those assessments to parents.

Undaunted, Spiltmilk has solved this problem. She is having report cards preprinted with all “F” grades and the standard comment of “not making any progress whatsoever; not even a bit.” That way, teachers will have to fill in only the student’s name. The number of times that these report card will be inaccurate is so small as to not be a concern.