Although it wasn’t known when our building was constructed, it has recently come to light that Shalampax is in an earthquake-prone zone. Because our building was not built to withstand earthquakes, a major quake would almost certainly bring the massive stone blocks that form our building’s walls crashing down on our heads.
Emergency preparedness experts typically advise that, in the event of an earthquake, you should not panic. This is not the recommendation of the Shalampax government.
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Many free, democratic countries maintain a separation of church and state. I think that is foolish.
Here in Shalampax, Paahlm, our God, always enters into legislative considerations. To my mind, that is exactly the way it should be. Otherwise, we’d have a lot fewer statutory holidays.
What would be the point of that? I mean, come on. What the hell good is religion if it doesn’t get you lots of time off work?
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One of the biggest—probably the biggest—of Spams R Us’ barriers to sales is the trust or, rather, lack of trust factor. I know it’s hard to believe, but some companies that sell goods and services primarily by email are less than scrupulously honest. Many people recognize this and, unfortunately, Spams R Us is often tarred with the same brush as those other companies.
Spams R Us thinks it’s come up with a way to leap over the lack-of-trust barrier to dramatically increase its sales. Effective immediately, everything that Spams R Us sells will come with an unconditional lifetime guarantee.
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Is the Shalampax parliament productive or what? Our Members of Parliament have been back for only a week after the more than two-months-long prorogation of Parliament and they have already passed a new law.
Effective immediately, it is illegal to keep a live woolly mammoth in your apartment in Shalampax. An exception is granted if, when treating an emotional disorder, a psychiatrist or psychologist prescribes the keeping of a live woolly mammoth for companionship.
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OK folks, here’s a little trivia question for you: What do Aristotle, Socrates, Plato, da Vinci, Rembrandt, Michelangelo, Gauguin, Cézanne, Van Gogh, Rodin, Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Vivaldi, Bach, Wagner, Genghis Khan, Freud, Copernicus, Galileo, Einstein, Napoleon, Hitler, Stalin, Churchill, Washington, Lincoln, Kennedy and Obama all have in common?
Give up? The answer is that they are all famous names that are totally unfamiliar to more than 90 percent of the Shalampaxian population.
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I have an apology to make. I was supposed to tell you this more than a month ago, but it totally slipped my mind. February 6 was Memory Impairment Awareness Day in Shalampax. On that day we were supposed to recognize the devastation of the various diseases and conditions that lead to severe memory loss.
I was also supposed to make an appeal for some charitable organization or another that is collecting donations to fund research that is searching cures for those diseases. Or maybe it’s funding treatments or care; I’ve forgotten which. Unfortunately, I can’t recall the name of that organization, but it will probably come to me eventually—or not.
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