Shalampax Speaks

The government recently revealed that, as a result of a major ordering screw-up by our primary food importer, Shalampax faces a severe meat shortage. The government had not intended to release this information because it was afraid that panic buying of the remaining supplies would lead to hoarding and severe inflation.

Information about the shortage was revealed only after the Prime Minister’s chief spokesperson accidentally misread the words “top secret.” Instead, he thought it said “for immediate release.” Literacy is in short supply in the Shalampax civil service.

Now that word of the impending meat shortage is in the public domain, the government is urging people to conserve any supplies of frozen meat that they may have. It has been suggested that Shalampaxians eat meat for only two, rather than three meals a day. Shalampaxians should also consider reducing portion sizes to no more than half a pound of meat per person per meal.

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Turning to another news story, the government has announced that, for the first time ever, it will be issuing Shalampax tourist visas. Prospective visitors must apply for a visa before arriving in Shalampax.

Each application must be accompanied by a flesh sample from the applicant. The sample must be of a size sufficient to allow it to be tested for quality and tastiness. Applicants are responsible for paying all surgical fees incurred to collect the sample.

Many people will likely consider this application process to be odious. However, with adequate anesthetic, the sample cutting should be painless. What’s more, as a reward, those people who are successful in obtaining a visa and who are among the first to visit Shalampax will be the guests of honor at a community dinner. Leftovers and latecomers will be frozen.