Check Reissuance Policy
Some Spams R Us customers have recently complained that checks from Spams R Us for the customers’ portions of promised lottery winnings or inheritances have gotten lost in the mail. These postal losses have occurred after the customers promptly paid the required account-unlocking fees, which range from $500 to $50,000. Because the customers’ shares of lottery or inheritance funds are typically worth millions of dollars each, these customers have, understandably, felt aggrieved.
Those customers who responded to multiple email solicitations, paying multiple account-unlocking fees, feel multiply aggrieved.
The executives at Spams R Us have asked me to assure the public that they feel their customers’ pains and they are determined to rectify the situation as quickly as possible. If the checks have not arrived after eight weeks, customers can request replacement checks; no questions asked.
Obviously, customers will be required to pay a small administration, handling and postage fee before a new check will be issued. This fee, which is currently $500 (U.S.), must be paid by certified check or, preferably, unmarked bills of U.S. currency. Spams R Us will not issue new checks until this fee has been received and verified.
Should the replacement check be lost in the mail, an additional administration, handling and postage fee must be paid before a check will be sent out to replace the first replacement check.
As long as there’s a plan in place. I feel assured and so much better now.
@nonamedufus : Rest assured that Spams R Us has an abiding interest in your money.
As I was reading your Shalampaxian blog postings [I enjoyed them so much that I read four solid web pages of them], I noticed that your tiny nations seems somewhat bereft of legitimate employment opportunities. Thus, I seriously considered your plight… and I came up with a simply smashing idea.
Shalampaxia should just declare war upon The United States. When they get there you can just surrender and then our government will pay to rebuild you as they did the Germans, Italians, and Japanese. Undoubtably, 100,000 U.S. Troops will be there for quite some time – since our Presidents really hate to bring them home – and [in the meantime] you can make money off of them as conscripted tourists.
Be careful, however, I read one time about another small nation that attempted this scenario and it backfired. It seems that the larger nation was bankrupt and simply surrendered. Of course, the little nation couldn’t afford to maintain such an extensive empire – when its new citizens were so accustomed to very expensive social programs. In the end, they themselves went broke trying to service these debts.
However, that should be avoidable as long as you declare war soon… Our Reserve Currency status should keep us solvent for around six to 12 more months. Anyway, its an idea to consider. Best of luck! Your good-natured friends in America.
@The Real American : I’m glad you’ve enjoyed the Shalampax Speaks blog posts and I hope you’ll keep reading.
Yes, we’ve been considering a strategy along the lines of the plot of the Mouse that Roared. However, you are right, all we’d be interested in is massive war-reparations and post-war economy-building funds. Winning would be the furthest thing from our minds because we wouldn’t want to take on your debt. No way.