Tuboflard Thins Out
Hey, peeps. Are you sitting down? If not, you might want to do so before you read this because I’ve got news that will knock you off your feet. You wouldn’t want to hurt your ass when you fell, now would you?
Tuboflard, Chief Medical Officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic — or I should say former Chief Medical Officer, but more on that later — has lost weight; a lot of weight. Whereas in the past her weight technically qualified her as a not so small building, she’s now packing only 180 pounds on that 5′ 8″ body of hers.
There’s still no chance that Tuboflard will be mistaken for anorexic, but, without having to stand too far back, most people’s peripheral vision is now more than adequate to take in the full width of her. In the past, most rooms in Shalampax weren’t big enough to allow people to stand far enough back for that.
I asked Tuboflard if she would be changing her name now that it no longer fits her, but she said, “No, my parents gave me the name before they knew I was going to qualify for nation status if I wanted it. The name didn’t fit then; it doesn’t fit now; I might as well keep it.”
I couldn’t quite follow her logic, but to each his or her own.
Of course, because she no longer has enough mass to significantly effect the tides, Tuboflard must vacate the Chief Medical Officer post. Her only qualification for the job was that, when we compared ourselves to her, she made the rest of us feel good about our obesity and lack of fitness. Now that she’s in better shape than most other Shalampaxians, she had to go; no doubt about it.
The Shalampax Medical Clinic is currently looking for a replacement for Tuboflard. If you are thinking of applying for the job, being a size that can be seen from space with the naked eye would be an obvious plus, but it would also be helpful if you chain-smoked and lived a perfectly sedentary lifestyle.
If that’s you, please apply quickly. The rest of us desperately need you to help boost our self-esteem. And I do mean hurry. You probably won’t be around long to fill — and I do mean fill — the position.
I don’t smoke, but 2 out of 3 ain’t bad – to paraphrase Meatloaf (also my middle name).
@nonamedufus: You da man … almost. Would you consider taking up smoking? Oh, and I forgot to mention, heavy drinking would be good too.
I’m there!
I excell at being sedentary and drinking is my favorite activity. Alas, I don’t smoke. Perhaps I could have an assistant take care of the smoking for me – surely Shalampaxians respect delegating of duties to other lesser beings.
@David: Sorry, those particular duties are not allowed to be delegated. The idea is that the rest of us must feel exceptionally fit compared to you. Any other duties that require effort can be delegated as long as you can find someone willing to do them for next to nothing or, preferably, nothing.