Stoning
Many venerable religions have customs and practices that, to outsiders, seem to be outdated, inane, barbaric or, sometimes, all three simultaneously. Paahlmism, the native religion of Shalampax, is no exception.
Consider, for example, our stricture against mixing corn and beans in a single meal. This law is as old as the Paahlmist faith itself. Nobody remembers why this commandment was instituted in the religion, but it remains a strict law of the faith nonetheless.
Many people find this rule against mixing beans and corn to be absurd, but what has some folks particularly up in arms is what, in their eyes, is the exceptionally archaic and barbaric nature of the punishment for committing this sin. The punishment is stoning.
The elders of Paahlmism are oblivious to the cries of barbarism. Nonetheless, for unrelated reasons, they are considering abolishing stoning sentences for not just the sin of mixing corn and beans, but for all sins for which stoning is still the punishment prescribed by our creed.
The reason why the elders are thinking of eliminating stoning is that it has, in their minds, become far too expensive to buy the marijuana necessary to achieve a really good stoning. In addition, people have been intentionally committing sins punishable by stoning. What’s more, many people have been inventing new sins against Paahlm and swearing that the Paahlmist faith has always considered them to be offences worthy of stoning. Consequently, the cost of the penance weed is threatening to bankrupt the Paahlmist religion.
Was this Paahlmist edict handed down by the high priest?
@nonamedufus: Nobody is certain where it came from. Rumor has it that someone found the edict written on a scrap of paper in a Paahlmist church and everyone just assumed it was the Word of Paahlm.
In the spirit of “punishment fitting the crime” it seems stoning should be reserved for sins such as “working too hard” or “being too energetic.”
@Gravyonshirtfront
Do Shalampaxians get stoned at high mass?
@Patricia: Working too hard? Being too energetic? Those are not crimes that anyone here ever commits.
@nonamedufus: Especially, but not exclusively then.
I love your blog! I love the country of Shalampax.
However, having studied other religions extensively, the people inventing new sins and attempting to put them into the sacred scripture of Paahlmism need to find a verse in the scriptures that somehow relates.
Then they need to extend the argument that the old scripture really always meant what they’re trying to prove now. And that older followers simply didn’t understand what the scripture meant.
Works every time.
Jennie
@Cynical Musings/ JLandsberger: That sounds like a terrific way to get something adopted as a sin, but that sounds like a lot more work than anyone here is willing to do. The good part is, we’re also too lazy to argue with someone proposing a new sin. We simply accept the new sin, but ignore it.
I’ve read often about smiting in the Christianist bible and have thought it to be an under-used tool. Now that I understand the Paalmist interpretation of stoning, it has far more potential to be a very moving religious experience.
@David: Yes, it’s one of the reasons why almost all Shalampaxians are Paahlmists and very sinful.