Shalampax Speaks

Damn! Damn! Damn!

You’d think that after all of this time covering the business beat here at Shalampax Speaks I would have learned by now. If the stock of a Shalampax company starts going up, buy in and buy in big at the first sign of any share price movement. It’s a sure sign of insider trading.

Here in Shalampax, insider trading is not only allowed, it’s not only condoned, it’s actually enthusiastically encouraged. The only time insider trading is illegal is if the company fails to inform the Prime Minister of Shalampax and at least two of his or her Cabinet Ministers of the insider information before any insiders begin to trade based on that information.

Failure to give the Prime Minister and Cabinet Ministers the statutorily required advance notice is punishable by two years in jail and a fine equal to triple the profit that the insiders earn on any trades that were made based on the insider information. The fine is split between the Prime Minister and Cabinet Ministers.

If you give the proper notice, you can do as much insider trading as you like.

As it happens, insider trading is the only thing that moves prices on the Shalampax stock market.

I should have known something up when I noticed Religco stock starting to rise. As Gravyonshirtfront reported just over a week ago, Religco’s stock had doubled in about two weeks at that point. Gravyonshirtfront obviously knew something. She bought in at that point. Now, the stock has tripled again in just the past week. Bitch.

Obviously, the big money is in covering the Shalampax Speaks religious beat, not the business beat. Damn, damn and damn again!

Now we know why the stock soared. Yesterday, Religco announced that it is re-launching its Infinitiaty religion, bigger and better than ever. I know what you’re asking, how can a religion that already has an infinity of Gods get any bigger?

This time, Religco is putting its full marketing force and resources behind the re-launch. It’s executing a massive marketing and PR campaign. And it’s started a Web site for the Church of Infinitiaty at Infinitiaty.org. The beauty of that is that whenever interest starts to wane in the religion, Religco can simply add new scripture to the Web site.

What’s more, this time Infinitiaty is using a franchise model to spread the religion throughout the world.

I forecast that, once Infinitiaty takes off around the world and starts to cannibalize the markets of other religions, television, movies, live theater and sports will be done for. With an infinity of Gods to pray to, plea to and praise, people won’t have time for those other pursuits.

Of course, one can never know how spiritually successful a religion is until one sees its year-end financial reports, but I predict Infinitiaty is going to be Religco’s biggest money-making religion yet. I just wish I could get in on the action, but by now all of the insider information is factored into the stock price.

Did I say, “DAMN?”