Census
To better plan and manage governmental and business affairs, the Government of Shalampax thought it was a good idea to get a more accurate—or at least some—sense of the demographics of Shalampax. To this end, a few weeks ago the government undertook Shalampax’s first comprehensive census.
Censuses had been conducted in the past, but they only counted the number of people here. This census asked 50 questions on Shalampaxian characteristics and practices.
The chief statistician has just released the results of the census. They show that one hundred percent of the population of Shalampax speaks English as his or her primary language, owns a flat screen television, is single, has no children, is a Infinitian and is female.
Some foreign census experts who were consulted before the Shalampaxian census was conducted warned that making the census voluntary, as was the case in Shalampax, would lead to a sample size that was too small to be meaningful. The experts also advised that, because that sample would be self-selected, the results would be skewed, rendering them useless.
The Government of Shalampax considered the experts’ advice, but it decided that, in the interest of avoiding being overly intrusive into Shalampaxians’ lives, it would make the census voluntary and accept that there would be some inaccuracy in a survey of this nature.
In Shalampax’s population of 4,242, the single response that was received yields results that are considered to be accurate plus or minus 100 percent, 19 times out of 20.
By the way, I’d like to send my thanks to the one person who completed the census. It wasn’t me and, for privacy reasons, I can’t name her hear, but she’s obviously a complete idiot.
Well, at least no one was thrown in jail. That’s gotta be a good thing?
@nonamedufus: First we’d have to find the jail. I’m pretty sure we have one, but most, if not all, people here are far too lazy to do anything that would be considered to be a crime in Shalampax.
I personally think you should have had an incentive to get people to do the census. In the US, federal funds flow to the states who have all their citizens fill out the census because, if you aren’t counted your state government loses out. Perhaps Shalampax could be divided into three states, and federal funds should be doled out according to compliance and accuracy. After all, if California has 38 million people, but the census only counts 35 million, then Cali gets fewer funds.
But you should have the redneck southern state refuse to allow her citizens to be counted, since southerners are protesting illegal immigration. That would insure that the two blue states get more than their fair share. And the redneck citizens could just count their navels, which is all they are capable of counting anyway.
Some people organizing the census had recommended an exceptionally strong incentive to fill in the census, but they withdrew their suggestion when they remembered that there are no guns in Shalampax and, therefore, their plan would be unworkable.
Hey Bird, because of some crucial information I gleaned from the Thinkspin blog, I think part of the problem with Shalampax is what has been called the Ignaramous Stupidous Virus. I have decided on the basis of my research that this virus has infected Shalampax, as well as many rednecks in the United States. If you are interested in my findings please visit http://bgamall.bravejournal.com/entry/65193 for an exercise in academic athleticism. You will see your blog featured there Bird, and that is worth the trip just for ego sake!
@Gary Anderson: Thanks for the mention! Because of their business activities, which would be considered illegal in most other countries, many Shalampaxians shun attention, but Shalampax Speaks needs all of the publicity it can get.
As to your suggestion, I don’t understand. You talk about stupidity as if it is a bad thing. Smart people must get terribly depressed when they look around at what goes on in the world. Being stupid affords us considerable ignorant bliss.
@Birdinhand
Bird, while stupidity may be better for the blood pressure, it certainly is not better for the anal regions in the long run. It allows mainstreet to continue to bend over and receive pain when it all could have been avoided by a smarter group.
@Gary Anderson: That’s one of the benefits of living in Shalampax. Most of the people who are in a position to run something up the anus of “main street” (we don’t have any streets, so “main hall” would be more appropriate) are far too lazy to do so.