Shalampax Speaks

Manexposinghimself, the Prime Minister of Shalampax, granted me an exclusive interview yesterday. Knowing that these are challenging times in the world, for most of our half-hour together he talked extensively and with great passion about the current batch of television reality shows. That part of our discussion does not bear repeating, but in an off-hand moment he did mention something interesting.

Prime Minister Manexposinghimself made a promise that I think he’s going to keep, which would be totally out of character for him. He promised that, in the future, his government will be much more decisive and will make its decisions much more quickly.

Manexposinghimself explained the rationale behind this new policy by saying, “In the past, we’ve spent a lot of time and money commissioning outsiders to extensively research and analyze data that helped us to make effective decisions. We would have hired Shalampaxians to do the job but, well, have you ever tried to get a Shalampaxian to do anything useful? You can’t find anyone outside of our spam and cult religion businesses who is willing to lift a finger, and those companies are running at full tilt.

“In the future, we’ll make government decisions much more quickly, without waiting for the reports. After we’ve gained more experience at making uniformed decisions, we will be able to stop commissioning the research because what’s the use of data and information when your mind is already made up? This will save Shalampax a fortune.”

You’ve got to hand it to Manexposinghimself. He’s got Shalampax’s interests at heart. I wonder what he’s up to.

When Parliament returns from its unexpected recess it plans to pass a new data privacy bill. To date, we don’t have any laws here in Shalampax concerning the protection of the privacy of data collected by businesses. And Shalampaxian companies have been, to say the least, quite lax in this regard.

Once this bill is passed, the following will be mandatory:

• Companies will have to inform everyone of what information they are collecting about them.
• Companies will be required to allow people to opt out of the data collection process.
• People will have a right to demand to see what information companies have on them and to demand that the companies correct any inaccuracies immediately.
• Companies will not be allowed to sell or share information without the individual’s express permission.

Of course, for reasons of pragmatism, there will have to be a few exceptions.

Any company that can demonstrate to the government that it will be able to make a profit from the information will be allowed to collect all the data it wants, any way it wants to collect it, and with or without an individual’s knowledge or permission. Companies that hold profitable information or information that can be used to earn a profit can share or sell it as the companies please, without first getting permission.

Without these exemptions, the bill was considered to be too much of an impediment in the way of companies’ profitability. However, even with these exemptions, the law still has teeth. If the information can’t be used to earn a profit companies will have to adhere to the restrictions of the new law.

Penalties have not yet been set, but it is expected that companies that break this law will have to issue an apology. Fines and jail terms are not being considered as they are seen as too harsh for this type of crime.

To better plan and manage governmental and business affairs, the Government of Shalampax thought it was a good idea to get a more accurate—or at least some—sense of the demographics of Shalampax. To this end, a few weeks ago the government undertook Shalampax’s first comprehensive census.

Censuses had been conducted in the past, but they only counted the number of people here. This census asked 50 questions on Shalampaxian characteristics and practices.

The chief statistician has just released the results of the census. They show that one hundred percent of the population of Shalampax speaks English as his or her primary language, owns a flat screen television, is single, has no children, is a Infinitian and is female.

Some foreign census experts who were consulted before the Shalampaxian census was conducted warned that making the census voluntary, as was the case in Shalampax, would lead to a sample size that was too small to be meaningful. The experts also advised that, because that sample would be self-selected, the results would be skewed, rendering them useless.

The Government of Shalampax considered the experts’ advice, but it decided that, in the interest of avoiding being overly intrusive into Shalampaxians’ lives, it would make the census voluntary and accept that there would be some inaccuracy in a survey of this nature.

In Shalampax’s population of 4,242, the single response that was received yields results that are considered to be accurate plus or minus 100 percent, 19 times out of 20.

By the way, I’d like to send my thanks to the one person who completed the census. It wasn’t me and, for privacy reasons, I can’t name her hear, but she’s obviously a complete idiot.

The automated, dial-in time signal, which was installed in March of this year, has broken. Due to the difficulty in getting parts shipped into Shalampax, it is not known how long it will take to repair it, but it could be a few months.

The system still works in a fashion. Now, instead of saying, “at the tone, it will be exactly six p.m.,” it now says, “ “at the tone, it will be exactly 6:45 p.m.”

Until further notice, please be sure to call the time signal 45 minutes later than you have in the past.

Thank you.

Two days ago, the Parliament of Shalampax began an unscheduled recess that is expected to last approximately two weeks. This is only an estimate, but the custodian of Parliament feels that it will require at least that long to adequately air out the Chamber of Parliament.

The airing became necessary when the restaurant in Parliament, which is available exclusively to our parliamentarians, made a tactical error two days ago. Without considering the consequences, it featured a lunch special that included an all-you-can eat baked bean and coleslaw buffet.

Members of Parliament, gluttonous pigs that they are, took “all you can eat” quite literally. Had any of them taken another bite, it likely would have killed them.

Late yesterday, I discussed the situation with Brokentoaster, a normally dozing Member of Parliament. He said, “The stench was so overwhelming in the Chamber of Parliament that I couldn’t sleep at all during the afternoon session. We were all farting nearly continuously. Although, I must say that I think that Cabinet members were far bigger windbags than the other Members of Parliament.”

Brokentoaster went on to say, “There was an upside to the situation. Judging from my digestive output that evening, through the night, and on into early today [yesterday], I don’t think my colon has ever been cleaner.”

Another benefit is that, with Parliament unexpectedly shut down, Members of Parliament won’t be able to create any new problems for the rest of us.

We don’t have many laws dictating people’s behaviors here in Shalampax, but the Government of Shalampax decided it was time to pass one to deal with some incidents that have occurred recently. If truth be told, these sorts of incidents have been going on for as long as anyone can remember, but our Parliament rarely acts quickly.

With the passage today of the Public Decency and Compensations Act, it is no longer legal to have sex in a public place in Shalampax unless you pay a fee of $675 in advance or $875 after the fact. Members of Parliament expect that people will pay in advance except for spontaneous sex.

On a case-by-case basis, Parliament may grant exemptions if both of the participants look porn-star hot and the Members of Parliament are invited to watch.

The fees will be collected by the government. All such revenue will be split among our Members of Parliament.

Members of Parliament are exempt from this law due to their honored positions, which is typically the missionary position, but they can sometimes be a bit more adventurous.