Covering the religion beat for a major publication such as Shalampax Speaks is bound to eventually have a significant impact on you. In fact, it’s gotten to the point where I’m almost starting to believe this crap.
Today, I’m feeling particularly spiritually fulfilled. Maybe all of my writing about religion has filled me with the spirit of one god or another. Or maybe it’s because we have so many religions to choose from here in Shalampax thanks to our many successful cult religion companies. Or maybe it’s the 12 gin and tonics I just polished me off that filled me with spirits. Whatever, I’m feeling particularly blessed today.
Why shouldn’t I? I recently bought 100 shares of Religco, Shalampax’s leading cult religion company. In just the past two weeks alone, it’s doubled in value. Rumor has it that they are planning a launch sometime in the next few weeks that is expected to really shake up the religion business.
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It’s not easy being spiritual. Nobody knows that better than the business development and marketing folks at Religco, Shalampax’s leading cult religion vendor. They had a brilliant notion for a new, as of yet unnamed religion.
The idea was that it would be a cult religion based on materialism. The business development and marketing people put a lot of work into advancing the concept. They wrote the cult’s religion’s scriptures, defined its picayune laws, and drafted its ecclesiastic hierarchy.
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It is not part of Paahlmism, our national religion, but some religions, such as Islam and Judaism, have dietary laws against eating pork products. Here’s what I was wondering: If a few of the people in those religions become pigheaded, are they allowed to eat anything at all?
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Many free, democratic countries maintain a separation of church and state. I think that is foolish.
Here in Shalampax, Paahlm, our God, always enters into legislative considerations. To my mind, that is exactly the way it should be. Otherwise, we’d have a lot fewer statutory holidays.
What would be the point of that? I mean, come on. What the hell good is religion if it doesn’t get you lots of time off work?
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For some people, televangelists are the pinnacle of spirituality. These believers are glued to their sets whenever any of their favorite preacher superstars are on TV. And they dream of the day when they will be able to attend in person one of their hero’s shows—a day that is made ever distant by shoveling all of their cash to their beloved televangelists.
But, I ask you, how spiritual can these televangelists be when they spend most of their time shilling for dollars to pay for their enormous, luxurious cathedrals, their haute couture clothes, and their opulent executive jets and limousines?
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With any luck, I’ll get my cute little ass fired off this blog-writing gig because my creative juices aren’t flowing. My lack of a clue as to what to write here bothered me, but then I thought, I’m the spiritual writer here. The answer is obvious. Pray to Paahlm for divine inspiration.
So I prayed to Paahlm asking It to deliver unto me a blog post; a good one, please. I prayed like nobody’s business, which is a rather stupid thing to say because it is nobody’s business but my own. The point is, I prayed like crazy. And crazy is what I’ve always thought of praying, but never mind. Despite all of that fervent praying, Paahlm didn’t come through.
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