Never let it be said that the Government of Shalampax doesn’t do much to foster innovation. It doesn’t, but it’s considered to be a social faux pas to mention it.
The government is considering doing something to change that, which is to say that it might change its indifference toward innovation, not change the reticence to discuss its failings. Pencilonear, Shalampax’s self-proclaimed scientist, has applied to the government for a grant that he intends to use to prove his theory that it is possible to repair tears in the space-time fabric by using an ordinary kitchen spatula to apply a precisely formulated mixture of Dijon mustard and cornstarch to the tear.
For competitive reasons, Pencilonear refuses to divulge the exact ratio of Dijon mustard to cornstarch in his formula. Likewise, he will not reveal whether he will use a metal spatula or a plastic one, or if it makes any difference. For similar reasons, he will also not disclose how he proposes to find or create rifts in the space-time fabric on which he can test his theory.
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I have it on very good authority—I got it from a guy who promised to talk to me on the condition that I slept him, which I would have done anyway—that some entrepreneurs here in Shalampax are considering starting a new business. It’s only a concept at this point, but, if they go ahead with it, their idea will revolutionize the way democracies around the world work.
In their market research, the entrepreneurs found that in democracies where voting is not mandatory (is it democratic to force someone to make a choice?), there is a general trend toward lower voter participation rates in many places. Clearly, a great many people in those countries believe that voting isn’t worth the trouble.
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It is with sincere sadness and deep regret that Spams R Us, Shalampax’s most profitable spam company, announces the passing of Mrs. Seise-Seiko. Mrs. Seise-Seiko was the widow of the African super-businessman, ultra-despot, and über-misanthrope, Fukutoo Seise-Seiko. Mr. Seise-Seiko was a multi-millionaire many times over.
Mrs. Seise-Seiko is survived by her nine children. At the time of her death, she was living in Nigeria.
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Redpencil, owner of the Third-Floor Pub, has devised a novel business model. Effective immediately, all of the beer served in the pub will free all day long. And you can drink as much as you like. Really.
Imagine that. All-you-can-drink free beer. Are we in heaven yet?
To partly compensate, there will now be a cover charge of $15 per person, per entry into the Third-Floor Pub. You must pay the cover charge before you will be served any beer. “Per entry” means that if you leave the pub, even briefly, you must pay the cover charge again when you reenter.
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It looks like Tuboflard has solved the financial problems that ensued when she lost her job as Chief Medical Officer after losing so much weight that she could no make the rest of us feel good about our obesity by comparing ourselves to her.
It turns out that her miracle weight loss resulted from more than just self-motivated diet and exercise. Tuboflard had her stomach stapled by the doctors at the Shalampax Medical Clinic. Now, she’s figured out a way to make some money off her experience.
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The Justice of the Peace in Shalampax, who is responsible for registering and officiating at both weddings and divorces, has just announced a terrific deal. For a limited time, if you buy and prepay a marriage license and divorce decree at the same time, you’ll pay the full price for the marriage license, but you’ll receive the divorce decree at just 50 percent of the normal price.
This offer is open for only two weeks, so you’ll have to act quickly. Don’t worry. The marriage license and divorce decree are blank and can be used at any time. So, even if you’re not ready to get married or divorced, you can take advantage of this astounding bargain now and then fill in the date and the appropriate names when you’re ready.
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