Shalampax Speaks

One of the biggest—probably the biggest—of Spams R Us’ barriers to sales is the trust or, rather, lack of trust factor. I know it’s hard to believe, but some companies that sell goods and services primarily by email are less than scrupulously honest. Many people recognize this and, unfortunately, Spams R Us is often tarred with the same brush as those other companies.

Spams R Us thinks it’s come up with a way to leap over the lack-of-trust barrier to dramatically increase its sales. Effective immediately, everything that Spams R Us sells will come with an unconditional lifetime guarantee.

That’s right if, at any time during a product’s lifetime, the product should fail to deliver as promised, Spams R Us will replace the product at absolutely no cost to the customer. The lifetime of the product is defined as the instant the customer buys the product to one instant before it fails in any way to deliver what Spams R Us promised it would deliver.

Thanks to this new lifetime guarantee you will never again have to suffer the aggravation of filing warrantee claims and fighting to have those claims fulfilled. Don’t you feel more comfortable about buying from Spams R Us already?

Business lifetime guarantee

Spams R Us has come up with an exciting new contest that you are definitely going to want to get in on. The best part is that there is no purchase necessary and no entry fee. In fact, there is no cost to you whatsoever.

Here’s how it works: People say that there is a sucker born every minute. Well, now you can profit from all of those suckers without having to bear the bother and risk of defrauding them yourself. Collect the names, postal addresses, phone numbers, e-mail addresses, and credit card information of 100 suckers. Send that information to Spams R Us. It’s that simple.

Once Spams R Us has confirmed that the 100 people on your list are, indeed, suckers, your name will be entered into a draw for a grand prize of $1 million. That’s right; $1 million!

For every 100 suckers you submit, you’ll get another entry into the draw.

Only one prize will be awarded. The winner will be contacted directly by Spams R Us. For privacy reasons, neither the winner’s name nor any information about him or her will be divulged publicly. Only the winner—and, of course, Spams R Us—will know who the winner is.

The draw will be held at an unannounced time of Spams R Us’ choosing so submit your suckers’ personal information now!

Business contest, spams, suckers

Last year, Discardedshoelace, a nincompoop from way back, set himself up in business as a private investigator. Yesterday, he formally declared bankruptcy and closed his firm due to a lack of customers.

Despite trying hard to win business, Discardedshoelace was surprised to learn how few people wanted him to investigate their private parts.

There is no word on what Discardedshoelace will try next in order to earn a living, but it will likely be equally unsuccessful. And he probably still won’t get to see anyone’s privates.

Business private investigation, private investigator, privates

One person who is loving the fact that Parliament is shut down to celebrate the extended National Democracy Month is Redpencil, owner of the Third-Floor Pub. Without having Parliament to nap in, our parliamentarians are spending a lot more time in his pub drinking.

The downside is that Redpencil has gotten quite used to the additional revenue and is dreading the negative impact that the reopening of Parliament will have on his business. Fortunately, he’s come up with a great idea to compensate for the loss.

While Members of Parliament are in his pub, which, with Parliament shut down, is most of the time, Redpencil has been lobbying them to lower the drinking age from 13, as it is now, down to two. This will allow Redpencil to expand his market by serving a younger crowd.

Redpencil had been thinking of agitating to eliminate the minimum legal drinking age entirely so he could start selling nipple-topped beer bottles for customers tßo give their infants, but he thought this might be going a bit too far, even for him.

Good luck, Redpencil. I’m glad to see that somebody is finally trying to do something for our young people.

Business drinking age, legal drinking age

Spams R Us, Shalampax’s leading spam company, has devised an exciting way for people outside the company to participate in the enormous profits available from spam.

The company will shortly begin to divide its spam mailings into batches of 10 million emails each. The company will then sell to the general public up to 10 shares in each of these batches. Owners of each share will receive 10 percent of the net profits, after expenses, from their spam batch. Spams R Us may sell all 10 shares of a particular batch to the public or it may retain some or all of them for its own account.

Each batch will contain a single email sent to 10 million addresses. The price of the share of a batch will depend on what the batch’s email promotes—male enhancement potions, breast enlargement lotions, cheap pharmaceuticals, inheritance unlocking plans, etc.

The price of a share will vary depending on the average historical profit of that type of spam. The price will be set such that, based on historical averages, investors should expect to make about a 20 percent return on their investments.

Of course, as they say, past performance is not necessarily an accurate indicator of future returns. Some people may or may not see investment returns of significantly greater than 20 percent and some might achieve lower returns. In no case will any investor lose more than his or her initial investment, however there is no guarantee that there will be any profit or that any of the original investment will be returned.

To protect the trade secrets of Spams R Us, the release of which might negatively affect the profitability of the company’s spam and, therefore the return on investors’ investments, Spams R Us will divulge spam share prices only to individuals who sign a nondisclosure agreement. In addition, the company will assume full responsibility for recording sales of shares, tracking revenues received, and calculating the resulting profits. To protect the confidentiality of this proprietary data, outside auditors will not be allowed to review the raw data.

If you would like to invest in this spam plan, please state your interest in a comment on this blog post. This is an amazing way to benefit from spam, in addition, of course, to buying the unbelievably valuable products and services promoted by the spam!

Spams R Us will be sending out one billion emails promoting this spam share program next week and an additional billion the following week. Unfortunately, that is too soon for the company to be able to sell shares in the spam mailings promoting this incredible investment.

Business spam

Officials at the Church of Infinitiaty have asked me to remind readers that there is still time to get in on the buy-one-get-one-free sin dispensation sale. That’s right, right now—but only until January 31, 2010—for every sin dispensation that you buy at the regular retail price, you will get a second dispensation of equal or lesser value absolutely free.

That’s right, I know it’s unbelievable, but you heard me right. Get the second dispensation for no additional charge.

And remember, there is no time limit on the use of these dispensations. Even if you haven’t committed a sin yet, but you plan to in the future, these dispensations will cover you.

And here’s something else to consider. The Sages at the Church of Infinitiaty tell me that they have just completed a thorough examination and analysis of the ancient and revered Infinitiaty scriptures, some of which were recently written specifically for this purpose.

The definitive interpretation of these scriptures by the Sages is that New Year’s resolutions are not just promises to yourself but also promises to one or more of the infinity of Gods. Thus, if you made any New Year’s resolutions and have already broken them, or if think you might break them in the future, now is the time to buy your salvation.

But wait, there’s more. The church has just added a special bonus to this deal. To further encourage those who may still be procrastinating about taking advantage of this sin dispensation sale, if you spend $250 or more on sin dispensations, the church will throw in a Church of Infinitiaty sweatshirt for only $33.00 (plus shipping charges)! This is almost a full dollar’s savings off the regular price of $33.99 (plus shipping charges)!

But don’t delay. This offer ends on January 31, 2010 and it may or may not ever be repeated.

Business dispensation, salvation, sin