It looks like Tuboflard has solved the financial problems that ensued when she lost her job as Chief Medical Officer after losing so much weight that she could no make the rest of us feel good about our obesity by comparing ourselves to her.
It turns out that her miracle weight loss resulted from more than just self-motivated diet and exercise. Tuboflard had her stomach stapled by the doctors at the Shalampax Medical Clinic. Now, she’s figured out a way to make some money off her experience.
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The Justice of the Peace in Shalampax, who is responsible for registering and officiating at both weddings and divorces, has just announced a terrific deal. For a limited time, if you buy and prepay a marriage license and divorce decree at the same time, you’ll pay the full price for the marriage license, but you’ll receive the divorce decree at just 50 percent of the normal price.
This offer is open for only two weeks, so you’ll have to act quickly. Don’t worry. The marriage license and divorce decree are blank and can be used at any time. So, even if you’re not ready to get married or divorced, you can take advantage of this astounding bargain now and then fill in the date and the appropriate names when you’re ready.
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The folks at Spams R Us, the largest spam company in Shalampax and possibly the world, are never satisfied with their success. Bloodynose, CEO of Spams R Us, recently announced that the company will be diversifying by launching a major new division, an inbound call center for companies that want to outsource their customer support functions.
Bloodynose claims that Spams R Us will be able to undercut any company offering the same outsourcing services, even companies operating in low-wage countries. He plans to do this using two ingenious innovations.
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Damn! Damn! Damn!
You’d think that after all of this time covering the business beat here at Shalampax Speaks I would have learned by now. If the stock of a Shalampax company starts going up, buy in and buy in big at the first sign of any share price movement. It’s a sure sign of insider trading.
Here in Shalampax, insider trading is not only allowed, it’s not only condoned, it’s actually enthusiastically encouraged. The only time insider trading is illegal is if the company fails to inform the Prime Minister of Shalampax and at least two of his or her Cabinet Ministers of the insider information before any insiders begin to trade based on that information.
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The Shalampax Grocery Store has asked me to inform its customers that the store will not have any kumquats in stock tomorrow. This is not surprising because the store has never carried kumquats. The Shalampax Grocery Store felt that it was, nonetheless, important to make this announcement as it has not received adequate mention in the media recently.
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Some Spams R Us customers have recently complained that checks from Spams R Us for the customers’ portions of promised lottery winnings or inheritances have gotten lost in the mail. These postal losses have occurred after the customers promptly paid the required account-unlocking fees, which range from $500 to $50,000. Because the customers’ shares of lottery or inheritance funds are typically worth millions of dollars each, these customers have, understandably, felt aggrieved.
Those customers who responded to multiple email solicitations, paying multiple account-unlocking fees, feel multiply aggrieved.
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