Shalampax Speaks

I have an apology to make. I was supposed to tell you this more than a month ago, but it totally slipped my mind. February 6 was Memory Impairment Awareness Day in Shalampax. On that day we were supposed to recognize the devastation of the various diseases and conditions that lead to severe memory loss.

I was also supposed to make an appeal for some charitable organization or another that is collecting donations to fund research that is searching cures for those diseases. Or maybe it’s funding treatments or care; I’ve forgotten which. Unfortunately, I can’t recall the name of that organization, but it will probably come to me eventually—or not.

I apologize for not telling you about this on or before Memory Impairment Awareness Day this year. I’ll try to remember next year, but don’t count on it.

Events memory, memory loss

It’s only about a week and a half until St. Patrick’s Day. This is a really big deal for a lot of people. I’ve heard that there are folks who even drink green beer and turn rivers green in honor of the day.

I’m not sure what happens when you urinate after drinking green beer, and I don’t want to know. But the fact that people are willing to do that proves just how huge a festivity St. Patrick’s day is.

With this holiday almost upon us and the excitement starting to build toward the big day, it’s not too early to note that Shalampaxians don’t give a damn about St. Patrick’s Day. So don’t expect to see any further mention about it here. Enough said.

Events Saint Patrick's Day, St. Patrick's Day

After a lengthy shutdown to celebrate an extended National Democracy Month, the Parliament of Shalampax finally reopened this morning. It’s return to session was quite normal for our Parliament, which is to say that it was totally bizarre.

As has long been the custom here in Shalampax, the parliamentary session began with the Members of Parliament (MPs) being formally summoned to the parliamentary chambers by a government official who holds the ceremonial title of the “Gentleman of the Black Rod.” I don’t want to get into how that title came into existence, but suffice it to say that I think it’s genetic.

Yes, I know that the Gentleman of the Black Rod is a sexist title. We usually practice near universal gender equality here, but the title was appropriate for the first person who served in the role and old habits die hard. Again, in case there are any children reading this, please do not assume that there was any pun intended by the confluence of the word “hard” with the title “Gentleman of the Black Rod” in this paragraph.

Shortly before Parliament was to reopen the MPs gathered in the Third-Floor Pub to await their summons. Unfortunately, because Parliament was not scheduled to reopen until 11:00 a.m., the Gentleman of the Back Rod had already consumed several alcoholic beverages at home before setting out to fulfill his duties.

Owing to his extreme intoxication, the Gentleman of the Black Rod went to the wrong location. Instead of the Third-Floor Pub, he burst in on a private apartment where several people were having an orgy. The Gentleman of the Black Rod remained there for two hours. It is reported that a good time was had by all.

By the time the Gentleman of the Black Rod finally made it to the third-floor pub to summon the MPs, they were, of course, three, or probably many more, sheets to the wind. On their way to the parliamentary chamber, several MPs suffered severe bruising as a result of bumping into walls and falling down a lot.

As soon as they returned to Parliament, Prime Minister Manexposinghimself delivered the Speech from the Throne, in which he laid out his entire agenda for the new session of Parliament.

The speech lasted five minutes. This gave him sufficient time to have a crap on the throne while reading the speech.

This was the longest Throne Speech in Shalampax’s history. Most have consisted entirely of something along the lines of, “OK. We’re back. Enough said.”

This time, Manexposinghimself decided to add a little flair by plagiarizing verbatim a speech from another Prime Minister from elsewhere in the world. He refused to divulge who he stole the speech from and nobody cared enough to try to look it up. Five minutes was the shortest speech he could find on the Web.

After the Throne Speech, the MPs wasted no time. They immediately began their naps.

Events, Government Black Rod, Members of Parliament, MPs, parliament

Yesterday was another exciting day in workplaces across Shalampax. Friday, February 26, 2010 was National Bring Your Pet to Work Day here. Pets are illegal in Shalampax, and that is one of the few laws that is obeyed, so everyone took the day off work because they didn’t have a pet to bring in with them.

Events pets

Squishedblueberry will be holding another in her much-hated series of zither concerts on Wednesday evening in Meeting Room 3C. Anyone who has attended her previous zither concerts knows that she has absolutely no idea what a zither is. She calls them “zither” concerts only because she likes the sound of the word and she thinks it’s kind of sexy.

Squishedblueberry performs her “zither” concerts without the benefit of any musical instruments. Her performances consist of her slapping her bare knees inharmoniously. Occasionally—without any apparent pattern or intention—she also grunts loudly, discordantly and most displeasingly. Fortunately, her bare knees are aesthetically disgusting, but not vomit-inducing.

All Shalampaxians are advised to steer as clear of Meeting Room 3C as possible on Wednesday evening to ensure that the cacophony emanating from there does not assault their ears.

Events concert, zither

In a post last week, I reminded Shalampaxians that yesterday was Family Day in Shalampax. I’m thrilled and amazed to be able to report that yesterday was the best Family Day in Shalampax’s history.

Not a single person visited the Shalampax Medical Clinic yesterday to get treated for injuries resulting from family fights. There were some reports of minor cuts and bruises from family fisticuffs, but nothing serious.

Compare that to last year when there were four serious intra-family fights that resulted in wounds requiring hospitalization. Among those four injured people, there were six broken legs, five broken arms, two dislocated shoulders, and three concussions.

Also compare yesterday’s result to the daily average for days other than Family Day. As a result of family fights, on average, about six people every day require some treatment in the Shalampax Medical Clinic due to the injuries they incur in family brawls. Often, they are released on the same day, but a few injuries every week are serious enough to require hospital stays of at least a couple of weeks, and sometimes a couple of months.

Congratulations, Shalampax, for barely tolerating your family on this one special day of the year. This is as close as Shalampaxians come to showing the love to their families.

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