Shalampax Speaks

Hi peeps. I’m sorry about being negligent in publishing transcripts of the recordings of Openfly’s conversations with Marie. I haven’t been able to get anyone to pay to have the transcriptions done. I funded the first few out of my own pocket, but enough’s enough.

I convinced Openfly to pay for this transcription, but she didn’t commit to covering the cost of any more, so I can’t promise when I’ll be able to publish the next one.

In this conversation, Marie tells Openfly about her need to explain to Shalampaxians where babies come from. I must admit that it makes my parents’ generation of Shalampaxians look terribly stupid. And you know the old saying, the apple doesn’t fall from the tree.

The following is what Marie told Openfly:

“No offense, Openfly, but when I landed on your island, the people there were ignorant beyond belief. They didn’t have a clue about some things that pretty well every adult in the rest of the world considers to be the most basic of common knowledge.

“For example, they didn’t seem to realize that there was any relationship whatsoever between sex and having babies. In truth, because of their lack of anything I could make out as a language, I’m not sure what they thought about how babies are made, but sex apparently didn’t enter into their concept of the process.

“I’ve read on the Shalampax Web site that they thought that their god, Paahlm, placed babies in women’s bellies, but I’m pretty sure that belief was a more recent invention. I’m convinced that when I arrived they thought that a pregnancy was something that just happened like getting acne or having a bird poop on your forehead.

“I supposed I shouldn’t be surprised they didn’t make the connection between sex and babies. I don’t know if it’s still true today, but Shalampaxians back then screwed every chance they got. I thought I was sexually overactive, but they tired me out. Rabbits would be embarrassed about their frigidity compared to these people.

“Because they had sex constantly, but babies were created only occasionally, I can see how they might not notice a pattern.

“You would have thought with all of that unprotected sex going on, the Shalampax population would have exploded. But they hated the thought of taking care of children.

“They might not have seen the link between sex and babies, but they did realize that when a woman’s belly swelled she was going to have a baby. There wasn’t a lot of food around when I arrived, just raw fish and coconuts, so no one was getting fat. A woman’s swelled belly meant only one thing and they knew what that was.

“Because they despised taking care of babies, whenever a woman’s belly began to balloon out, she usually had the heaviest person she could find sit on her belly until the baby aborted. So, rather than being surprised that the population didn’t explode, I’m amazed that it didn’t die out entirely.

“The funny thing is that, if they had figured it out, Shalampaxians could have practiced the rhythm method of birth control with foolproof effectiveness and, from what I’ve read in Shalampax Speaks, they still can.

“As you know, Shalampaxian women’s vaginas turn bright red whenever they are ovulating. It’s the weirdest thing. I’d never heard of that trait before I got to Shalampax. I’ve done some research since and, among humans, it seems to be unique to Shalampaxians.

“I did eventually explain to Shalampaxians that babies result from sex, but that lesson wasn’t an easy one to teach because when I started to teach it the Shalampaxians hadn’t yet learned much English. I had to pantomime it.

“I made a circle with the thumb and forefinger of one hand, and then thrust my other hand’s forefinger in and out of the hole repeatedly. They quickly figured out what I was referring to with that gesture.

“The problem was pantomiming babies. I tried the traditional rocking of cradled arms. But they didn’t get it. Shalampaxians didn’t want to have anything to do with babies. Men never picked them up. Women picked up babies only to breast feed them. Other than that, babies were left on the ground, only to be grabbed when they might otherwise be blown away by the wind. And the adults weren’t even particularly conscientious about that.

“So the cradling in the arms charade meant nothing to them. I was only able to get my lesson across to them when a woman finally had a baby while I was there. With a baby on board, I could do my finger thrusts in the hole and then point to the baby. After I repeated that enough times they eventually got it.

“I’m sorry to say this Openfly, but when it came to babies—and a number of other things—your people were complete idiots.”

That’s it for now, peeps. Till next time.

Openfly Serial - Part 2 babies, pregnancy, pregnant, sex

Hey peeps, Openfly has now had her second set of two simultaneous cosmetic surgeries. As you’ll remember, last time she had a nose job and a tummy tuck. This time it was her lips and thighs.

She still requires considerable healing of her surgical bruises and scars, but, according to Openfly, “I’m already starting to see a little bit of symmetry in my body, which was totally lacking prior to the surgeries.” I don’t think she has a clue what the word symmetry means, but she seems to be happy with the results.

Openfly is also moving forward with getting her business going, as is required to qualify for a U.S. investor class visa and, after that, a green card. Openfly’s purchase of the land adjacent to Marie’s hippie-retro commune closed as planned. Crews are already demolishing the buildings that were on the property to make way for her New Age paraphernalia manufacturers’ outlet mall.

The previous owner’s use of the land was a surprise to Openfly, but she could have easily discovered that had she asked any of the residents of Marie’s hippie-retro commune—or done a more thorough inspection of the land and buildings before closing the deal.

All of the plants were gone when Openfly’s crew arrived on the site, but the crew found equipment leftover from a major marijuana grow-op. And the aroma in the buildings was unmistakable. It turns out that the previous owner of the property was the sole supplier of pot to the residents of the commune. Presumably he also sold his wares elsewhere, but that’s unclear.

Many of the retro-hippies asked Openfly to restart the operation so they wouldn’t have to go farther afield to get their pot supplies, but Openfly refused. Much to my surprise, Openfly has decided to live in America totally aboveboard and within the law. She even intends to pay all of her taxes! This just goes to prove that you can take the woman out of Shalampax and you can take Shalampax out of the woman. Go figure.

Between her surgeries and getting her business going, Openfly hasn’t had much time for anything else. As a result, she hasn’t been involved at all in the “reunion” of Marie and MadMadMargo. (Is it appropriate to call it a reunion considering that MadMadMargo was put up for adoption at such a young age that she couldn’t possibly remember Marie?)

Openfly’s unavailability is probably beside the point because Marie and  MadMadMargo had asked Openfly to respect their privacy. The upshot is, Openfly wasn’t able to tell me how MadMadMargo and Marie got along.

I’m very curious about how the reunion went and whether Marie and MadMadMargo plan to visit Shalampax. The only information we have about that is the very brief comment that MadMadMargo left on December 28^th, in which she said she’d tell us more in a day or two—I haven’t heard from her since. I hope she’s OK. With any luck, MadMadMargo is reading this and will drop us a note to fill us in.

Bye for now, peeps.

Openfly Serial - Part 2 cosmetic surgery, marijuana grow-op, pot

Well, peeps, the transformation has begun. Openfly recently had the first of her cosmetic surgeries. As I mentioned before, she’s going all out. Included in her list of planned beauty-enhancing operations are a nose job, a lip job, a jaw job, a chin job, a boob job, a butt job, a tummy tuck and some work on her thighs.

To save time and money, she’s scheduling two surgeries at once whenever possible. For her first set of operations, which were conducted shortly before Christmas, she had her nose done by one surgeon at the same time as a second surgeon was working on tucking her tummy. She chose the nose job and tummy tuck for her first cuttings because they are far enough apart that the two surgeons could work simultaneously without getting in each other’s way.

Next up are her lips and thighs, again to be done in simultaneous operations by two different surgeons. Those procedures are scheduled for the first week of January.

A cosmetic surgeon has told her that he can take the excess skin off her chin at the same time as he reconstructs her jaw. That will be done in late January.

Because she is not having anything else done while lying on her front, her butt job will stand alone. It’ll get done in the middle of February.

Openfly is saving her boob job for last. Although, to be honest, I don’t know why she is having her breasts done at all. I’ve always felt that she has beautiful boobs. And I’ve had the pleasure of feeling her boobs often.

I know what you’re thinking: Her breasts are beautiful for a Shalampaxian woman, but they aren’t good enough now that she’s in California. No, that’s not true at all.

I’ve watched as many porn movies as the next guy. So I’ve seen, at least on video, thousands upon thousands of non-Shalampaxian boobs. I’m here to tell you that Openfly’s breasts stack up well against the best of them.

True, Openfly’s breasts are much bigger than most of those porn stars’ boobs. And her boobs are a little—only a little—droopy, but I think they’re awesome. Oh well, I guess a awesome isn’t good enough for Openfly. She wants perfect breasts. Good luck to her on that score.

On an only very vaguely related note, MadMadMargo arrived at Marie’s resort shortly before Christmas and MadMadMargo’s family joined her on Christmas Eve. They are all there now. MadMadMargo and Marie want to have a lot of time with no one else around because they have a lot of catching up to do. They are hoping to forge the parent-child bond that didn’t have a chance much of a chance to form before Marie gave MadMadMargo up for adoption.

As a result, Openfly didn’t wasn’t able to sit in on Marie’s and MadMadMargo’s reunion. That’s probably just as well. I don’t think Openfly would have been good company while she was recuperating from her surgeries.

I hope MadMadMargo will drop us a comment here at Shalampax Speaks and let us know how she got along with Marie.

Ta-ta for now, peeps. Be cool.

Openfly Serial - Part 2 boob job, boobs, breast job, breasts, cosmetic surgery, surgery

Roof, who we now know fathered MadMadMargo with Marie, has been terribly depressed since learning that Marie did not recall having had sex with him while she was in Shalampax. According to Roof, Marie was the most important, most loved person in his life. And he remembers sex with her as being intensely passionate.

Roof was busy feeling terribly sorry for himself until he remembered that Marie wouldn’t have known him as “Roof.” He didn’t take his current name until he saw the roof being put on Shalampax’s building, which didn’t happen until years after Marie left. Until then, he used his pre-Marie grunting and shrieking name that can best be rendered in English as “Geeerkreeek.”

Roof also tells me that while Marie was here he proposed marriage to her a number of times. He was turned down every time, but he thinks that he was the only man in Shalampax to ever propose to Marie, although he’s not certain about the women.

I passed that information on to Openfly and asked her to see if it jogged Marie’s memory. Here’s what Marie told Openfly.

“Geeerkreeek? The name doesn’t sound particularly familiar, but all of the names that the people on the island used before I came along sounded like nothing more than screeches and squawks to me. I couldn’t tell one name from another.

“But I do remember the guy who proposed to me. There was only one. That was Roof? Oh man, I loved that guy. I tried to get him to adopt a name that I could remember and say, but he refused. He never told me why. I’m glad to hear he finally has a pronounceable name.

“Roof was great. He was the best lover I had in Shalampax—and since. And he was the sweetest guy you’d ever want to meet. But I wasn’t into marriage then. I was a hippie before there were hippies. To my thinking at the time, marriage seemed like a prison sentence.

“In fact, I was surprised that any Shalampaxian would ask me to marry him after what I taught them about marriage. The whole concept of matrimony was foreign to them before I explained it. Prior to that, they formed relationships; some of their relationships were even somewhat exclusive, but the relationships were never formalized.

“Because of my free-love philosophy back then, I told the Shalampaxians about marriage as a part of what I considered to be my responsibility to educate them, but I preached free love and denounced the shackles of marriage.

“So when Roof proposed to me—again, and again, and again—I was floored. I tried to pretend I was indignant over him proposing after all I had said about marriage, but I was secretly touched.

“Nonetheless, marriage would never have worked. I was a super-nymphomaniac back then. There’s no way I was going to promise monogamy. I don’t make promises I know I can’t keep and I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep that one. So marriage was out of the question.

“I’ve changed a lot since then. I now see considerable emotional value in entering into a deep, committed, soulful relationship with someone you love. At one time I would have added, ‘particularly if he has money,’ but I’m fairly wealthy now. On the other hand, despite having slowed down now that I’m in my eighties, I still don’t think I could be satisfied with just one man.

“It’ll be great getting back together with Roof if I visit Shalampax with MadMadMargo. But I seem to remember reading in one of the Shalampax Speaks columns that Roof is married. That could be a problem.

“I wonder if his wife is the same woman he had been spending a lot of time with when I was screwing him back in the old days. It’s funny. As soon as I explained the concept of marriage to him, he started calling her his wife even though he proposed marriage to me. Hmm. Maybe he did understand my free love message, after all.”

Isn’t that a touching story, peeps? Later.

Openfly Serial - Part 2 marriage, relationships

Peeps, Shalampax hasn’t been the same since the departure of our party-girl extraordinaire and alcohol sponge, Openfly. And it looks as though it will never will be the same again.

Openfly is well into the United States immigration-application process. All indications are that her application will be successful.

Openfly took Marie’s recommendation to pursue an EB-5 investor class visa, which Marie said would be the easiest and fastest route to a U.S. green card and eventual citizenship. As per Marie’s suggestion, to support her investor class application, Openfly bought the property that was up for sale adjacent to Marie’s hippie-retro commune. The real estate transaction closed last week.

Openfly has already formed a company to hold the property and build a New Age paraphernalia manufacturers’ outlet mall on it. Researchers that she commissioned performed extensive market testing that affirms that the mall’s location beside the hippie-retro commune and near Big Sur is an ideal spot for that venture.

An architect has been contracted to design the mall and Openfly has hired professional managers for her new company. (She must promise to create at least ten jobs to be awarded an EB-5 visa.)

I had hoped that Openfly would join Marie and MadMadMargo if they visit Shalampax. Because Openfly and Marie are already good friends, I thought it would be nice if Openfly acted as Marie’s and MadMadMargo’s host in Shalampax. However, that probably isn’t going to happen.

As part of the immigration process, Openfly can’t leave America until her application has been accepted and her business class visa has been granted; not that that matters. Openfly told me she wouldn’t come back even if she could. In fact, she has absolutely no intention of ever returning to Shalampax.

When I asked Openfly if she thought she might reconsider after some time had passed, she lovingly replied, “I’d rather experience a slow, excruciatingly painful death than ever return to that fucking hellhole. What the hell am I saying? Living in Shalampax is a slow, excruciatingly painful death!”

Openfly has also made another decision. She’s going to have major cosmetic surgery, including a nose job, a lip job (both of them, I presume), a jaw job, a chin job, a boob job (again, I presume she’ll have both of them done), a butt job, a tummy tuck and some work on her thighs. She said something about also having her eyebrows plucked, but I don’t think that counts as cosmetic surgery.

There probably won’t be much of the original Openfly when she’s done.

Apparently, Openfly has not had as much success with men in California as she hoped. Openfly is exceptionally attractive relative to other Shalampaxian women, but that’s a low bar to jump over. A garden slug could clear it without breaking a sweat.

From what Openfly tells me, some people told her, right to her face, that her appearance does not live up to the California aesthetic. Others told her that she is as ugly as sin and then some. She’s also frequently referred to as a “quadruple-bagger,” whatever that means.

Because of the lack of competition in the beauty department back in Shalampax, she had no problem getting any man she wanted here. And she wanted lots.

When she was on the ship with Dr. Don Rivers, she was the only woman on board, which explains her success there.

However, in California her supercharged libido is being served almost exclusively by battery-powered devices. That’s not good enough for her, hence the plastic surgery.

That’s it for now, peeps. Catch you later.

Openfly Serial - Part 2 cosmetic surgery, immigration

Well peeps, the results are in. We now know for certain who MadMadMargo’s biological father is. As you probably guessed from the title of this post, it is Roof.

It turns out that Roof’s intuition was right, which is surprising because Shalampaxians are not known for well-honed intuitions. In fact, Shalampaxians are not known for anything that might, by even the wildest stretch of the imagination, be considered to be a positive attribute. So, it was probably just a lucky guess on Roof’s part.

Congratulations, Roof … it’s a girl. Well, actually, it’s a woman, but if her blog-profile picture is anything to go by, she is quite attractive. And, if her blog is anything to go by, she has a very good sense of humor.

MadMadMargo, I don’t know if I should congratulate you or not. Roof is a nice fellow, as Shalampaxians go, but Shalampaxians don’t rank very high on the global niceness scale. Trolls rank higher. Ogres are below trolls, but they generally still rank well above Shalampaxians when it comes to niceness.

One person who is heartbroken over this news is Birdinhand. He is the editor here at Shalampax Speaks and, coincidentally, Roof’s son by another mother. The problem is, Birdinhand has had a serious case of the hots for MadMadMargo ever since he first saw her picture.

Birdinhand’s lust for MadMadMargo didn’t die even after she revealed in a comment that she is a lesbian. Birdinhand was convinced that he could bring her onto our team. Fat chance. From what the women who have been with Birdinhand have told me, he’s more likely to convert a heterosexual woman to lesbianism than the other way around.

However, that doesn’t matter anymore. The question of whether Birdinhand could win MadMadMargo’s heart has now proved to be immaterial. Birdinhand’s lust must remain bottled up. Because MadMadMargo is Birdinhand’s half-sister, an affair between them would be incest and incest is out of the question. Although, I’m told that Birdinhand is considering changing the question, whatever that means.

MadMadMargo hasn’t commented here lately. I hope she’s OK and gets this news.

I don’t know if she has had a chance yet to arrange to meet with Marie, her biological mother, out in California. I’m eager to hear about that reunion, if it happens.

That’s all to report for now, peeps. Stay cool.

Openfly Serial - Part 2 paternity