Authors
A number of authors have been induced through a variety of means, notably extortion and blackmail, to provide material for this blog. The following are brief synopses of the authors’ bios and raisons d’être. Mostly, we just made up the raisons d’être because few, if any, Shalampaxians have any purpose in their lives.
If you would like to get in touch with any of the authors then you are well and truly out of your freaking mind. They are the most unpleasant beings you’d ever want to talk to and, trust us, you’d never want to talk to them. Besides, they shun all forms of communication other than this blog.
If you absolutely can’t help yourself and feel the need to say something to one of them, your best bet is to leave a comment on one of their blog posts. They may ignore you, but you never know. You may get lucky. Then again, until now, no one has ever referred to the entering into any interaction with any of the authors as “getting lucky.” Conduct yourself accordingly.
Stickinthemud
Stickinthemud is Shalampax’s social coordinator. He didn’t want that position as his one desire in life is to achieve the perfect nap, which doesn’t leave much time for coordinating anything. Stickinthemud got the social coordination job after drawing lots and losing. He tried to back out, but we threatened to make him President of Shalampax if he refused the social coordinator position.
Shalampax doesn’t actually have a president (see Shalampax government). However, the mere threat that we might create such a position in our government and saddle Stickinthemud with it was enough to keep him in line.
Stickinthemud posts about Shalampax social functions; past, present and future. Most of us don’t get along well with others, so we don’t expect Stickinthemud’s writing duties to be onerous.
Snotontable
Snotontable will be walking the business and economics beat on this blog. Our economy is very robust, but it is built on only a few “industries,” so to speak. Those “industries” are reasonably recession-proof, so we aren’t terribly concerned about having all of our eggs in only a few baskets. However, that may not leave Snotontable much to write about. Only time will tell.
Snotontable got the job of writing business and economics stories because she’s the only person in Shalampax who can sum two single digits in her head. Plus, she is the only person who has a clue about how to calculate percentages and fractions. We figured those skills might come in handy for a business and economics writer.
Our biggest industry is cults religions. Thus, Snotontable writes extensively about them, but only from a business standpoint. All other aspects of our cults religions are covered by Gravyonshirtfront.
Gravyonshirtfront
Shalampaxians are, by nature, deeply spiritual people. At least, they are when they appear on infomercials proselytizing for one of their cults religions. None represents this unique brand of spirituality better than Gravyonshirtfront.
Gravyonshirtfront lives a very busy life. She divides her time between providing marketing, business and spiritual consulting to the various cults religions; writing blog posts here; and, predominantly, meditating. “Meditating” is Gravyonshirtfront’s name for the latter activity. Most other people refer to it as “sleeping.”
Stoneupnose
Stoneupnose is Shalampax Speak’s gossip columnist. He dishes the dirt on any and every Shalampaxian who doesn’t pay him to keep their names out of this space. Stoneupnose is perfect for this job as he is a lazy, good-for-nothing, empty-headed twit who couldn’t possible hold down any other serious job if his life depended on it.
Poopydiaper
Poopydiaper is the newest contributor to Shalampax Speaks. That is, she is the newest unless someone else has joined us since then. When that happens, we likely won’t bother to change this paragraph. We’re lazy like that.
Poopydiaper will be covering education issues. She was assigned this topic because, when in school, she skipped every class except English, so she’s unlikely to be biased.
Having attended English classes might be a source of some bias when reporting on education issues. That can’t be helped. We tried assigning this column to someone who skipped every class. His first couple of submissions consisted of entirely random strings of letters, numbers, spaces and punctuation. They were unreadable and couldn’t be published. It was argued that no one reads this blog anyway so it doesn’t matter, but we fired him nonetheless and went with Poopydiaper instead.
Birdinhand
Birdinhand is the administrator of the Shalampax Speaks blog. He is a very shallow individual, with no thoughts of his own and not a care in the world. This makes him the perfect candidate for the position of blog administrator.
Birdinhand will be responsible for covering all of the topics not covered by any of the other authors. He will, of course, continuously and strenuously strive to sandbag other Shalampaxians into authoring posts here so as to shirk his duties as much as humanly possible.
