Shalampax Speaks

I have it on very good authority—I got it from a guy who promised to talk to me on the condition that I slept him, which I would have done anyway—that some entrepreneurs here in Shalampax are considering starting a new business. It’s only a concept at this point, but, if they go ahead with it, their idea will revolutionize the way democracies around the world work.

In their market research, the entrepreneurs found that in democracies where voting is not mandatory (is it democratic to force someone to make a choice?), there is a general trend toward lower voter participation rates in many places. Clearly, a great many people in those countries believe that voting isn’t worth the trouble.

The opportunity is clear. The entrepreneurs plan to offer a democracy outsourcing service.

The details haven’t been finalized, but here’s the general plan:

In those countries where most people can’t be bothered to vote, a new Shalampaxian company—it doesn’t yet have a name; let’s call it Electco for now—will take over the voting process.

Customer countries will cancel their elections and turn the process over to Electco. Rather than campaigning, politicians will submit their party affiliations, descriptions of their proposed policies, and a few pictures of themselves to Electco.

Electco will look at voting in past elections in the customer countries to determine how many “core voters” each party has. Core voters are defined as people who vote for a party no matter what. This might be because their parents always voted for that party, so they always vote for that party. Or maybe the party’s candidates and officials wear the same sort of clothes as the core voters, so the core voters feel a strong affinity for the party.

Electco will assign votes to each party in the same proportion as their core supporters make up in the electorate of that country.

There are a number of voters who, bizarrely, evaluate the candidates and the candidates’ and their parties’ positions before making a decision on who to vote for in each election. Consequently, they might not always vote for the same party. Let’s call these “swing voters.”

To represent the swing voters, Electco will assign five employees to work on each election. They will divvy up votes equal to the percentage of swing voters in the customer country and add those votes to the core voters’ votes.

Two of the employees will look only at pictures of the candidates and will cast their votes based on who looks best for the job. Because these employees will have only pictures, appearances will be the sole factor they consider. Forty percent of the swing-voter votes will be allocated in this manner.

The three remaining employees will all see the policies statements that the candidates submit on behalf of themselves and their parties.

One Electco employee will assess only how much he or she would benefit from those policies. This employee will not consider the costs or consequences of the policies. Nor will he or she consider whether the policies are even feasible. “What’s in it for me?” will be the only factor that determines which candidate will get these votes. Twenty-five percent of the swing-voter votes will be allocated in this manner.

Another Electco employee will assess the policy statements and compare them to reality to determine which candidate is the best bullshitter. The top bullshitter will be assigned 25 percent of the swing-voter votes.

The final employee, will have to do some work. This employee will carefully review each policy, consider the benefits, drawbacks and feasibility of the policies, and attempt to assess the integrity of the candidate. The most honest candidate, with the best policies will be assigned three percent of the swing-voter votes.

The remaining seven percent of the swing-voter votes will not be assigned by an Electco employee. Instead, a computer will randomly distribute them among the candidates.

In rough form, that’s the plan. The benefits are clear. For a comparatively small fee, the customer country can avoid the staggering costs of holding an election, its politicians can avoid the punishing costs of campaigning, and its voters can avoid the great bother and annoyance of getting up off their asses to vote.

What do you think? There are still a few kinks to be ironed out, but I think these entrepreneurs are going to hit the jackpot with this idea.

It is with sincere sadness and deep regret that Spams R Us, Shalampax’s most profitable spam company, announces the passing of Mrs. Seise-Seiko. Mrs. Seise-Seiko was the widow of the African super-businessman, ultra-despot, and über-misanthrope, Fukutoo Seise-Seiko. Mr. Seise-Seiko was a multi-millionaire many times over.

Mrs. Seise-Seiko is survived by her nine children. At the time of her death, she was living in Nigeria.

Mrs. Seise-Seiko spent the last years of her life relentlessly trying, but failing to get her hands on the inheritance that her husband left her. The money, which was said to total more than $75-million (US), was rightfully hers, but the unscrupulous bankers and government officials who controlled the funds kept demanding payments before they would release it to her.

Spams R Us acted as Mrs. Seise-Seiko’s exclusive agent to find investors who supplied the funds to payoff the crooked bureaucrats and administrators. In return for providing the bribes that the officials demanded, the investors would receive a generous portion of the inheritance once it was delivered.

Unfortunately, every time Mrs. Seise-Seiko made the demanded payment, the corrupt officials reneged and made additional demands. Either that or immediately after they agreed to release the money, but before Mrs. Seise-Seiko could get it, control of the funds passed to other officials who made similar demands.

Right up to the moment of her death, Mrs. Seise-Seiko acutely regretted that, because the inheritance was never turned over to her, none of her investors were repaid the funds they sent to help her, nor did the investors profit from any of the inheritance.

Mrs. Seise-Seiko’s death revealed a bit of a mystery. It is not known why she offered to bring in investors to share in her husband’s fortune. It turns out that she owned a very large fortune in her own right, a fortune that was even greater than her husband’s.

This just shows the extreme generosity of the woman. She could have kept the entire inheritance to herself, but she chose to also enrich others—people who were complete strangers to her—if only the corrupt officials had released the funds. If only.

Mrs. Seise-Seiko’s will divided everything she owned equally among her nine children. Unfortunately, the same corrupt bank and government officials are still holding their father’s fortune for ransom, just as they did when her mother was trying to claim it.

To make matters worse, Mrs. Seise-Seiko kept her own money in a different bank than her husband. That bank is located in a different country than the bank holding the late Mr. Seise-Seiko’s fortune.

There are different, but equally corrupt bank and government officials placing roadblocks between the children and the money they rightfully inherited from their mother. Those nefarious officials are also demanding payments before they will release the funds. So now, rather than just one set of administrators and bureaucrats demanding bribes, now there are two sets that must be sated.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. All of Mrs. Seise-Seiko’s children are making the same generous offer as their mother. They will share their inherited wealth with investors who provide them with the seed capital necessary to unlock their funds.

All of the children have signed exclusive contracts with Spams R Us to act as their agents to seek out suitable and deserving investors. Beginning tomorrow, Spams R Us will start sending out billions of emails soliciting investments. Because Mrs. Seise-Seiko’s children are all of the highest of integrity, they will deal only with investors who are equally trustworthy.

Redpencil, owner of the Third-Floor Pub, has devised a novel business model. Effective immediately, all of the beer served in the pub will free all day long. And you can drink as much as you like. Really.

Imagine that. All-you-can-drink free beer. Are we in heaven yet?

To partly compensate, there will now be a cover charge of $15 per person, per entry into the Third-Floor Pub. You must pay the cover charge before you will be served any beer. “Per entry” means that if you leave the pub, even briefly, you must pay the cover charge again when you reenter.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “This is going to bankrupt Redpencil. I can drink WAY more than $15 of beer during each visit to the pub.”

Maybe you can drink that much beer, but there are two more new fees that I should tell you about. Redpencil now charges $15 every time you use the bathroom. And he charges $25 every time you pee anywhere in the pub other than the bathroom.

Considering how difficult it is for any Shalampaxian to turn down free beer, I think Redpencil is going to make a killing with this scheme.

It looks like Tuboflard has solved the financial problems that ensued when she lost her job as Chief Medical Officer after losing so much weight that she could no make the rest of us feel good about our obesity by comparing ourselves to her.

It turns out that her miracle weight loss resulted from more than just self-motivated diet and exercise. Tuboflard had her stomach stapled by the doctors at the Shalampax Medical Clinic. Now, she’s figured out a way to make some money off her experience.

Tuboflard is teaming up with Spams R Us, Shalampax’s biggest spam company, to sell a Miracle Diet Pack that will allow purchasers to experience the same miracle weight loss as Tuboflard.

The kit, which will sell for $279.95, or three easy installments of just $99.95, will include an off-the-shelf office stapler, a pack of 25 staples, and a band that can be used to restrict the size of the buyer’s stomach. There will also be an instruction booklet that says the following:

To be used only under the supervision of a qualified gastrointestinal surgeon. Not to be used if a doctor advises against its use. Always speak to your doctor before using this product.

Of course, the spam emails promoting the Miracle Diet Pack will not include those warnings. Buyers will learn about the warnings only after they pay the non-refundable fees and receive their kits.

Spams R Us is not expecting to receive any complaints as a result of this offer because, unlike most of Spams R Us’ other promotions, buyers will actually get something in return for their payments. To further reduce the likelihood of complaints, Spams R us will not provide the company’s address, email, or phone number. Orders will be placed through the Web, with no way for customers to contact Spams R Us other than to place an order.

Spams R Us will be hijacking thousands of innocent computers and spoofing legitimate email return addresses beginning Monday. The company expects to send out one billion spams promoting the new Miracle Diet Pack in the first week alone.

The Justice of the Peace in Shalampax, who is responsible for registering and officiating at both weddings and divorces, has just announced a terrific deal. For a limited time, if you buy and prepay a marriage license and divorce decree at the same time, you’ll pay the full price for the marriage license, but you’ll receive the divorce decree at just 50 percent of the normal price.

This offer is open for only two weeks, so you’ll have to act quickly. Don’t worry. The marriage license and divorce decree are blank and can be used at any time. So, even if you’re not ready to get married or divorced, you can take advantage of this astounding bargain now and then fill in the date and the appropriate names when you’re ready.

Consider these facts:

• 90 percent of all marriages in Shalampax end in divorce.
• Seven percent of marriages here end when one or both of the spouses dies within a month of the wedding
• Only three percent of marriages are considered to be successful, and then only when using the loosest definition of the word “successful.”

When you look at in that context, this is a deal you don’t want to miss.

There is no limit on how many marriage certificates and divorce decrees you can buy under this offer. You should probably stock up because, let’s face it, considering the matrimonial track record of most Shalampaxians, you’re probably going to need a lot.

Hi peeps. A couple of weeks ago I told you that, because she had lost so much weight that she could no longer serve as a role model for the rest of us to look up to and feel good about our own obesity and lack of fitness, Tuboflard would lose her job as Chief Medical Officer. Well, my prediction came true. She’s unemployed.

This is a major problem for her because it turns out that, not only were morbid obesity and a sedentary lifestyle her only qualifications for the Chief Medical Officer job, but they were also her only qualifications, period. Tuboflard can’t find another job, but she has herself and her triplets to feed, clothe and house. Her future looked bleak.

Fortunately, a solution appeared in the nick of time.

Not quite a week ago, Snotontable told you about Spams R Us’ new division, which offers a fully automated, unstaffed, “customer support” call center that other companies can employ on an outsourced basis. That business is already soaring, but, much to the surprise of Bloodynose, CEO of Spams R Us, there are still one or two companies that think there is an advantage to having people who customers can talk to when they call for support.

This sort of thinking baffles Bloodynose because he is certain that having staff actually deal with customers who need support decreases the productivity of the customer-support function to a ridiculously low level. Nonetheless, he hates to give up any business, so he wants to meet these companies’ insistence on having humans answer some of the calls that come into the call center.

That’s where Tuboflard comes in. Her triplets are now just over one year old and they are not yet talking. This makes them the perfect candidates to handle the phones in the call center. Because they can’t yet talk, they won’t be able to waste any time actually dealing with customers’ ridiculous problems, yet they will fulfill some companies’ demands to have humans answer the phones.

Problem solved. Or, rather, two problems solved. Bloodynose gets his customer support staff, without incurring a drain on customer support productivity. And Tuboflard gets some income coming into her household. It’s not often that things work out so well here in Shalampax. It’s surprisingly pleasant when they do.

I don’t know what will happen when Tuboflard’s kids learn to talk, but, for now, it’s the perfect solution for all concerned. Except, that is, maybe the customers who call into the customer support call center. But who cares about them? Why are they bothering anyone with there petty little product problems in the first place?

That’s all for now. Catch you on the flipside, peeps.