The use of recreational drugs by students at the Shalampax School has gotten out of hand. After much debate, the school board has finally agreed to do something about this outrageous situation.
Effective immediately, any student who is caught smoking marijuana will be forced to remain after the rest of the class has been dismissed. The student will be required to continue to do schoolwork during his or her period of detention. Because all Shalampaxian students utterly despise attending classes and doing schoolwork, this is considered to be a severe form of punishment.
Fortunately, Shalampax has not signed the Geneva Conventions. This punishment protocol might otherwise be considered to be in violation of that treaty.
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The teachers of the Shalampax School believe that they will be mentally ready to resume their positions on Monday September 27. However, because their teaching skills have become rather rusty—and they weren’t much to speak of to begin with—the teachers’ first week back after their extended vacation will be a professional development week.
The professional development sessions will be held in the Third Floor Pub, where the ever-flowing libations are expected to provide teachers with the relaxation they need to fully benefit from their skills-building sessions.
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The teachers of the Shalampax School have asked me to let parents know that the start of the school term will be delayed by at least two weeks this year.
After careful study and analysis, the teachers and their psychiatrists have determined that the teachers couldn’t possibly be mentally ready to face those little brats again when the school term normally starts. The teachers’ mental states will be reexamined in two weeks. At that time, an announcement of a further delay to the start of the school year will be made if necessary.
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The Government of Shalampax has decided that, in the future, it won’t be picking pockets as frequently or deeply to cover the education portion of the government’s budget. As a result, the school board is forced to reduce spending on it’s programs.
Effective immediately, the Shalampax School’s sex education courses will suffer the following cutback: The school will no longer supply condoms for the in-depth workshop portions of the course. Students will be required to bring their own.
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Most of the students at The Shalampax School have taken to selling their used textbooks to an international market over the Internet at the end of the school term. They are asking for and getting close to the retail price because, in the case of Shalampax students, “used” is something of a euphemism when employed as a modifier of “textbooks.”
The harsh truth is that most students here rarely open their textbooks. In fact, the majority of the “used” books they are selling are still in their original shrink-wrap packaging.
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The Shalampax School Board has unanimously passed a motion put forward by Religco to teach Created Evolution, the Church of Infinitiaty’s doctrine concerning the origin of species, in science classes in all grades of the Shalampax School.
Starting in the next school year, the curriculum will include the truth of Created Evolution alongside the theories of creationism, intelligent design and uncreated evolution.
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