Shalampax Speaks

The Shalampax school board has decided to splurge on new geography textbooks. It was felt that the current texts were getting a little, to say the least, long in the tooth. Some of the information in them is somewhat outdated and considered to be no longer valid in light of newer discoveries.

The ultimate impetus to invest in new geography texts came when someone suggested to the school board that it is now apparently almost the unanimous consensus among earth scientists that the earth is, indeed, not flat. Assuming that the experts are right about this, our geography teachers, and the textbooks they are using, have been teaching our students the wrong information all of this time.

Who knew? It looks pretty flat to me.

Education earth, flat earth

Yesterday, I told you that the Shalampax school board had declared that the third week of every November would be recognized as Bully Awareness Week. Well, things aren’t going quite as they planned.

A group of teenage bullies rounded up the school board members and insisted that the cake, cookies, milk and fruit juice that the school board plans to give bullies during Bully Awareness Week is not enough. The bullies demanded that they should also be given beer and cigarettes during that week.

After being threatened with a long, severe pummeling, the board agreed to what they had come to see as a very reasonable request.

Education bullies, bullying

The Shalampax school board is quite upset that, because it’s not an agency of Parliament, it was not allowed to join in the shutdown of Parliament to commemorate National Democracy Month and its extension. However, despite the state of displeasure of its members, the school board has been neither idle nor ineffective.

Last week, the school board issued a proclamation recognizing the third week of November every year as Bullying Awareness Week. During that week, teachers will take special care to identify school bullies. The bullies will then be given cake, cookies, milk and fruit juice so they can keep up their strength during their bullying activities.

Education bullies, bullying, school bullies

The Shalampax school board has decided to include a course on Shalampax history in the eighth-grade curriculum. The course will be taught every year on the first Tuesday of October from 10:00 a.m. to 10:23 a.m.

To liven up the class and ensure that students do not become to bored, the students will be given a 10-minute recess in the middle of the class. During the course, alcoholic beverages will be served to any eighth-grade students who are 19 years of age or older.

Education history

Back in November, I told you that the Shalampax school board implemented a No Child Left Behind program to combat the problem of parents leaving their children in school after hours, including overnight and, in some cases, over the weekend. The key element in the program is a fee that the school board now charges any parents who leave their children in the school when it’s closed.

I’m happy to report that the No Child Left Behind program has been a tremendous success. Before the school board implemented the program, some parents never thought to leave their children in school to keep them out of their parents’ hair. Now almost all parents do so frequently.

The fees charged to parents leaving their kids in the school when it’s closed have been flooding in. As a result, the school board has been able to increase the salaries it pays to its members tenfold. Congratulations, guys and gals!

Education no child left behind, school, school board

Wow! Spiltmilk, a member of the Shalampax school board, just can’t stop reading and can’t stop coming up with new ideas to advance the state of education in Shalampax. Somebody put a leash on her! Who needs that?

As you’ll recall, I recently reported on her proposal to teach lifelong, whatever that subject may be, in Shalampax. Well, only days after pushing that proposal, she read that Canada now has a very large chattering class that is recognized by a cabinet minister in Canada’s federal government. Not wanting to fall behind a country comprised of mainly ice and slow, Spiltmilk has emailed education authorities in Canada asking them if they would be willing to send her their curriculum for the chattering class.

Spiltmilk hopes to be teaching chattering at least up to the Canadian standards within two years.

Education Canada, chattering class, Tony Clement