Tomorrow is National Gravity Day in Shalampax.
To celebrate this holiday, everyone is expected to honor gravity by staying in bed and not getting up for the whole day. It would be a good idea to prepare for this celebration by putting a stock of nonperishable, unwrapped food beside your pillow and a bedpan beside your midsection before you go to sleep tonight.
Today is Ocean Day in Shalampax.
Living on a tiny speck of an island in the midst of the vast Pacific Ocean, we are ever-conscious of the enormity, majesty, bountifulness, beauty, power and, yes, often destructiveness of our oceans. That is why we honor, venerate, often immensely fear and, particularly on this day, greatly celebrate our planet’s seas.
We are especially appreciative of the fact that there are no more than a few hundred steps—if that—between the ocean and every point on Shalampax. This provides us with easy access to a massive liquid dumping ground where we can, without a care in the world, dispose of our raw sewage and garbage.
Today is National Aardvark Day in Shalampax. Just to be clear, there are not now, nor have there ever been any aardvarks in Shalampax. I doubt that any aardvarks have ever come within hundreds of miles of this island. And, if they had any choice in the matter, I’m sure the aardvarks would vote to keep it that way.
So, you may be wondering, why is today National Aardvark day here? That is a good question. The answer is much less good.
Fridays are movie nights in the fourth-floor recreation room. The organizers of these events have been showing “feel good” movies exclusively. They believed that nobody would complain about feel good films. They were wrong.
Maybe they are simply objecting to the poor grammar exhibited in the use of “feel good” in this context, but a few women are upset about being felt, well or otherwise, when they go to the movies. Then again, most of the women who attend are good with it.
The Shalampax Medical Clinic has decided to expand its mandate to include a public education component. Henceforth, the clinic will try to enlighten Shalampaxians on health-related issues. This element being added to the clinic’s mission because the medical staff there have come to believe that the happiest, healthiest and best patients are educated patients.
The doctors at the clinic have no idea why this could possibly be the case. In fact, they suspect that they are misunderstanding the concept, but one of the medical staff read it in a popular, mass-circulation magazine that even has its own Facebook page and Twitter account, so it must be true.
Today is National Leave Your Kid at Home Day in Shalampax.
With school out, many parents have been bringing their kids to work, locking them in the supply closet, and then taking them home at night. Parents are doing this to save the cost of sending their kids to camp or hiring someone to police their kids during the day.
Shalampax childcare experts state that this is a very highly recommended parenting technique, but many employers say otherwise. It seems that, when they leave the supply closets, many kids are taking some of the office supplies with them. Actually, they’re stealing as much as they can carry. Some kids even bring wagons to cart their loot away.
