Shalampax Speaks

I have an apology to make. I was supposed to tell you this more than a month ago, but it totally slipped my mind. February 6 was Memory Impairment Awareness Day in Shalampax. On that day we were supposed to recognize the devastation of the various diseases and conditions that lead to severe memory loss.

I was also supposed to make an appeal for some charitable organization or another that is collecting donations to fund research that is searching cures for those diseases. Or maybe it’s funding treatments or care; I’ve forgotten which. Unfortunately, I can’t recall the name of that organization, but it will probably come to me eventually—or not.

I apologize for not telling you about this on or before Memory Impairment Awareness Day this year. I’ll try to remember next year, but don’t count on it.

Events memory, memory loss

It’s only about a week and a half until St. Patrick’s Day. This is a really big deal for a lot of people. I’ve heard that there are folks who even drink green beer and turn rivers green in honor of the day.

I’m not sure what happens when you urinate after drinking green beer, and I don’t want to know. But the fact that people are willing to do that proves just how huge a festivity St. Patrick’s day is.

With this holiday almost upon us and the excitement starting to build toward the big day, it’s not too early to note that Shalampaxians don’t give a damn about St. Patrick’s Day. So don’t expect to see any further mention about it here. Enough said.

Events Saint Patrick's Day, St. Patrick's Day

Less than a month from now—if we should live that long—April 2, 2010, to be precise, will be the one-year anniversary of Shalampax Speaks. We think we should do something to celebrate because we will probably be able to get one or two blog posts out of that event, whatever it may be, without having to do too much writing work.

Unfortunately, we’re not very creative people and we we’re having trouble coming up with suggestions our own.

We did think of one idea for celebrating our one-year anniversary: Burn the Shalampax building down and collect the insurance. Everyone loves a good bonfire. And everyone loves collecting millions of dollars from faceless insurance companies too.

Unfortunately, some people pointed out a few problems with our celebration plans. First, our building isn’t insured. We don’t like giving money to outsiders if we don’t absolutely have to and we don’t have any insurance companies here. So there would not be any insurance money to collect.

Second, we wouldn’t have anywhere else to live if our building burned down. We have only the one building here and migration to anywhere else in the world is out of the question because of all of the international arrest warrants sworn out against most of us.

And third, the exterior walls of our building are rock; the interior walls are metal; and all of our furnishings are made of non-flammable materials. This was done specifically because the lack of any other living quarters mean that a fire would be ruinous even if everyone escaped. We couldn’t start a fire here even if we had a military-grade flame-thrower.

Consequently, a major conflagration to celebrate our anniversary is out of the question.

With our one good idea shot down, we’re left with no good ways to honor our upcoming one-year milestone. Do any of you have any suggestions?

Events anniversary, fire

After a lengthy shutdown to celebrate an extended National Democracy Month, the Parliament of Shalampax finally reopened this morning. It’s return to session was quite normal for our Parliament, which is to say that it was totally bizarre.

As has long been the custom here in Shalampax, the parliamentary session began with the Members of Parliament (MPs) being formally summoned to the parliamentary chambers by a government official who holds the ceremonial title of the “Gentleman of the Black Rod.” I don’t want to get into how that title came into existence, but suffice it to say that I think it’s genetic.

Yes, I know that the Gentleman of the Black Rod is a sexist title. We usually practice near universal gender equality here, but the title was appropriate for the first person who served in the role and old habits die hard. Again, in case there are any children reading this, please do not assume that there was any pun intended by the confluence of the word “hard” with the title “Gentleman of the Black Rod” in this paragraph.

Shortly before Parliament was to reopen the MPs gathered in the Third-Floor Pub to await their summons. Unfortunately, because Parliament was not scheduled to reopen until 11:00 a.m., the Gentleman of the Back Rod had already consumed several alcoholic beverages at home before setting out to fulfill his duties.

Owing to his extreme intoxication, the Gentleman of the Black Rod went to the wrong location. Instead of the Third-Floor Pub, he burst in on a private apartment where several people were having an orgy. The Gentleman of the Black Rod remained there for two hours. It is reported that a good time was had by all.

By the time the Gentleman of the Black Rod finally made it to the third-floor pub to summon the MPs, they were, of course, three, or probably many more, sheets to the wind. On their way to the parliamentary chamber, several MPs suffered severe bruising as a result of bumping into walls and falling down a lot.

As soon as they returned to Parliament, Prime Minister Manexposinghimself delivered the Speech from the Throne, in which he laid out his entire agenda for the new session of Parliament.

The speech lasted five minutes. This gave him sufficient time to have a crap on the throne while reading the speech.

This was the longest Throne Speech in Shalampax’s history. Most have consisted entirely of something along the lines of, “OK. We’re back. Enough said.”

This time, Manexposinghimself decided to add a little flair by plagiarizing verbatim a speech from another Prime Minister from elsewhere in the world. He refused to divulge who he stole the speech from and nobody cared enough to try to look it up. Five minutes was the shortest speech he could find on the Web.

After the Throne Speech, the MPs wasted no time. They immediately began their naps.

Events, Government Black Rod, Members of Parliament, MPs, parliament

Yesterday was another exciting day in workplaces across Shalampax. Friday, February 26, 2010 was National Bring Your Pet to Work Day here. Pets are illegal in Shalampax, and that is one of the few laws that is obeyed, so everyone took the day off work because they didn’t have a pet to bring in with them.

Events pets

Squishedblueberry will be holding another in her much-hated series of zither concerts on Wednesday evening in Meeting Room 3C. Anyone who has attended her previous zither concerts knows that she has absolutely no idea what a zither is. She calls them “zither” concerts only because she likes the sound of the word and she thinks it’s kind of sexy.

Squishedblueberry performs her “zither” concerts without the benefit of any musical instruments. Her performances consist of her slapping her bare knees inharmoniously. Occasionally—without any apparent pattern or intention—she also grunts loudly, discordantly and most displeasingly. Fortunately, her bare knees are aesthetically disgusting, but not vomit-inducing.

All Shalampaxians are advised to steer as clear of Meeting Room 3C as possible on Wednesday evening to ensure that the cacophony emanating from there does not assault their ears.

Events concert, zither