Shalampax Speaks

The Shalampax Medical Clinic has asked me to pass along the following public health advisory. Shalampax privacy conventions, scant though they may be, do not allow me to comment or expand on an advisory of this nature, so I will simply present it verbatim.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Shalampax Medical Clinic; October 30, 2009

HEALTH ADVISORY #885

All males who have had unprotected sex with Cherrytart within the last 60 days are advised to visit the Shalampax Medical Clinic. All females who have had sex with Cherrytart within that timeframe should visit the clinic as well.

Everyone covered by this advisory is urgently recommended to come to the clinic as soon as possible and, with the exception of the first people to arrive, expect to find long lines and lengthy waits when they get here.

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Sorry folks, that’s all the advisory says and I’m not allowed to add more. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to run to the clinic and get ahead of the massive lines that are sure to form when this is published.

The owners, management and staff of the Shalampax Grocery Store have asked me to pass along an important message to their customers.

As regular shoppers are no doubt aware, the Shalampax Grocery Store sells a number of private label items. The store imports these goods in bulk and then repackages them in containers bearing the store’s own labels. The store usually offers at least one such product at a special sale price each month.

Last month’s special was labeled as:

La Gourmande du Shalampax
Pâté de Foie de Poulet
Delicious pâté made from the livers of organically fed free-range chickens.

When Fingerupnose, the store’s stock clerk, went to the storeroom to prepare this month’s private label special he was shocked to notice that the pâté vat, which should have been empty owning to the success of last month’s special, was completely full. Fingerupnose assumed that, unbeknownst to him, the store must have imported two vats of pâté rather than only one.

The pâté on the shelves sold out quickly last month, so Fingerupnose lamented the sales that were lost due to the second vat being overlooked. Then he got to the vat containing this week’s special. He stopped in his tracks and gasped when he realized what had happened.

The vat was empty. Clearly, last month’s “pâté” had been taken from the wrong vat.

This week’s private label special, which is obviously no longer available, was to be sold as:

Shalampax GreenThumb
Fertilizer
High-quality manure made from the excrement of organically fed dogs.

Yes, last month’s “pâté” was in fact dog shit; high-quality dog shit, to be sure, but dog shit nonetheless.

Considering that there is no farming done here in Shalampax and none of us have gardens or even houseplants, I have no idea as to why the Shalampax Grocery Store stocked the manure. Then again, I have no experience in any retail business, so I would never presume to tell the folks there how to run their store.

The long and the short of it is that, apparently, even with the Shalampax Grocery Store’s new, high tech inventory control system, accidents can happen.

The mistake was regrettable, but these things happen. And, when they do, the true test of the integrity of a company is how it deals with the gaffe after it has been made. How far will it go to make things right? The Shalampax Grocery Store is second to none in this regard.

Anyone who bought the manure that had been labeled as pâté can return it to the store for a full refund.

There are only a few of conditions. It is lamentable, but there are a number of Shalampaxians who are not entirely trustworthy. Therefore, to prevent fraud, the returned product must be in its original, unopened packaging, with none of the protective seals broken. In addition, the purchaser must show a valid store receipt indicating the price that was paid for the faux “pâté.”

Once these conditions have been met, the purchaser will receive a full cash reimbursement, less a $5.00 handling fee to cover the cost of processing the refund. Who could ask for anything more?

A little while back, I told you about the opening of Shalampax’s Most Exclusive Restaurant. It seems that, unbeknownst to the diners, crabs were on the menu. In their defense, I should add that Barfontable and Shitonfloor, the proprietors of the restaurant, were also unaware of it.

Fortunately, the Shalampax Medical Clinic has an ample supply of creams and shampoos that can reliably treat crabs, also know as pubic lice.

Any one who took advantage of Shalampax’s Most Exclusive Restaurant’s opening specials (free sexual intercourse with Barfontable and/or Shitontable with every full-priced four- or five-course meal), is advised to visit the Shalampax Medical Clinic to obtain the treatment as soon as possible.

Also, please advise all of the people you’ve had sex with or shared towels with since visiting the restaurant that they should get checked out at the clinic too.

Until you have been verified as being clear of crabs you should refrain from having sex with anyone other than yourself. And, if you have sex with yourself, remember to wash your palm and/or finger thoroughly afterward. All towels you use should be washed in hot water after each use.

In an act of selfless generosity, Barfontable and Shitonfloor have volunteered to not issue additional invoices to diners for this unannounced addition to their dining experience.

After ignoring the situation for many years, Tuboflard, the Chief Medical Officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, has finally used her regulatory powers to order Rottentomato, owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, to either eliminate all vermin from his premises and keep them vermin-free or shut his restaurant down.

That will teach Rottentomato to refuse Tuboflard’s request for a volume discount at the restaurant.

Tuboflard gave Rottentomato six weeks to comply, but Rottentomato did not wait that long. He took immediate action to satisfy the requirements of the injunction. That is to say, he rid his restaurant of vermin, rather than elect the shut-it-down option that Tuboflard generously included in her decree.

Rottentomato has asked me to inform his patrons that, as a consequence of his actions, the items on his menu will now, on average, provide approximately 75% less protein than they did in the past. He regrets that he will no longer be able to fulfill all of the dietary requirements of his customers, but he places the blame entirely on Tuboflard’s shoulders.

Rottentomato is appealing Toboflard’s ruling and hopes to be able to offer a protein-rich menu again soon.

The Shalampax Medical Clinic has issued a warning about a new, especially harmful virus that is making the rounds in Shalampax. The clinic has named it the vigor virus.

Victims of the vigor virus suffer only one serious symptom. They are afflicted with frequent bouts of extreme vigor, leading them to want to engage in strenuous physical activity. This activity is, unfortunately, only occasionally of a sexual nature.

Tuboflard, Chief Medical Officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, advises that anyone afflicted with the vigor virus should get lots of bed rest. Under no circumstances should they engage in any physical activity when suffering from the disease’s symptom.

In fact, because the symptom can arise unexpectedly at any time, sufferers should remain in bed, as motionless as possible, until they have been symptom-free for at least 48 hours. As always, notes to employers excusing employees from duty will be provided at any employee’s request, without the need for a medical examination.

Tuboflard, wishing to calm Shalampaxians’ fears and avert a panic, assures us that, with intense care and vigilance we can all get through this and return to our usual indolent selves in no time.

A few days ago I told you about a health advisory from the Shalampax Medical Clinic advising people who ate the “fish” at Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant to visit the clinic as soon as possible. I’m pleased to report that the condition that Tuboflard mistook for death was actually a coma.

If you saw the raw text of the press release that the medical clinic recently issued to correct its earlier diagnosis, please note that there was a typographical error in it. As I’ve just reported, patients were in a coma. They were not, as the clinic’s press release said, in a comma. You can put your mind at ease. Your loved ones’ lives were not punctuated.

Most patients came out of their comas within 24 to 48 hours. Only three patients are still unconscious. Much to the regret of their families, they are all expected to recover soon.

Only two of the patients who have revived show any signs of lingering side effects.

Despite never having displayed any signs of athleticism in the past, upon coming out of his coma, one patient began suffering from an uncontrollable urge to walk on his hands wherever he goes. The medical clinic has developed a program designed to wean him from this compulsion.

During the first phase of the program, someone else will walk on his hands. In the next phase, he will walk around with vice grips firmly attached to his hands. Next, someone will gently hold one of his hands while he walks. After a few weeks in this final phase of the treatment it is expected that the patient will feel comfortable walking without any pressure being applied to his hands.

The second patient suffering side effects woke up convinced that she is Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. She frequently bursts into singing the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

However, it’s believed that she might have seen only porno versions of the film. After finishing a chorus of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, she often strips naked and blurts out things like, “Come here my little hunk of a Munchkin and let me lick your lollipop.” And, “Hey there big Tin Man, why don’t you pull out your oil can and lubricate yourself up my lovely yellow brick road.” Nobody at the medical clinic knows exactly what she means by that second one, but they’re quite certain it’s something sexual.

In a related story, Rottentomato, owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, is providing a powerful microscope for use by customers who received the appetizer gift certificates that Rottentomato gave out after the health scare. Rottentomato claims that the microscope will allow customers to read the gift certificate’s fine print, in which they will see the words, “this certificate is revocable without notice or reason at Rottentomato’s sole discretion.”