The Shalampax Medical Clinic has asked me to pass along the following public health advisory. Shalampax privacy conventions, scant though they may be, do not allow me to comment or expand on an advisory of this nature, so I will simply present it verbatim.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The owners, management and staff of the Shalampax Grocery Store have asked me to pass along an important message to their customers.
As regular shoppers are no doubt aware, the Shalampax Grocery Store sells a number of private label items. The store imports these goods in bulk and then repackages them in containers bearing the store’s own labels. The store usually offers at least one such product at a special sale price each month.
Last month’s special was labeled as:
A little while back, I told you about the opening of Shalampax’s Most Exclusive Restaurant. It seems that, unbeknownst to the diners, crabs were on the menu. In their defense, I should add that Barfontable and Shitonfloor, the proprietors of the restaurant, were also unaware of it.
Fortunately, the Shalampax Medical Clinic has an ample supply of creams and shampoos that can reliably treat crabs, also know as pubic lice.
After ignoring the situation for many years, Tuboflard, the Chief Medical Officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, has finally used her regulatory powers to order Rottentomato, owner of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, to either eliminate all vermin from his premises and keep them vermin-free or shut his restaurant down.
That will teach Rottentomato to refuse Tuboflard’s request for a volume discount at the restaurant.
The Shalampax Medical Clinic has issued a warning about a new, especially harmful virus that is making the rounds in Shalampax. The clinic has named it the vigor virus.
Victims of the vigor virus suffer only one serious symptom. They are afflicted with frequent bouts of extreme vigor, leading them to want to engage in strenuous physical activity. This activity is, unfortunately, only occasionally of a sexual nature.
Tuboflard, Chief Medical Officer at the Shalampax Medical Clinic, advises that anyone afflicted with the vigor virus should get lots of bed rest. Under no circumstances should they engage in any physical activity when suffering from the disease’s symptom.
A few days ago I told you about a health advisory from the Shalampax Medical Clinic advising people who ate the “fish” at Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant to visit the clinic as soon as possible. I’m pleased to report that the condition that Tuboflard mistook for death was actually a coma.
If you saw the raw text of the press release that the medical clinic recently issued to correct its earlier diagnosis, please note that there was a typographical error in it. As I’ve just reported, patients were in a coma. They were not, as the clinic’s press release said, in a comma. You can put your mind at ease. Your loved ones’ lives were not punctuated.
