Shalampax Speaks

We have a fairly relaxed attitude here in Shalampax. As a result, many of our citizens do not take the time to familiarize themselves with the few laws that we do have.

The government has asked me to remind all Shalampaxians that the use of hallucinogenic drugs is strictly forbidden, except under one or more the following conditions:

• You have a prescription from your doctor or a note from one of your parents. Your mother or father is allowed to grant you an exemption even after you become an adult. Children who have reached the age of 18 are allowed to provide notes granting their parents permission to use hallucinogenic drugs.
   
• You are feeling down as a result of living in one of Shalampax’s interior, windowless apartments.
   
• You’ve had to spend more than 15 consecutive minutes in the company of another Shalampaxian and, therefore, just can’t bear life anymore.
   
• You really, really feel like using them.
   
• Your name starts with “B”.
   
• You offer to share your drugs with one or more members of parliament.

The penalty for contravening Shalampax’s drug laws is the confiscation of 50 percent of your stash. The confiscated drugs will be disposed of at a government-sponsored party.

These laws are harsh, but they are for the good of all Shalampaxians and for the enjoyment of the government.

The Government of Shalampax today announced that it would join the European Union, Canada, Australia and, in fact, the vast majority of countries in the free world in abolishing capital punishment.

This decision is of little practical application as most Shalampaxians are far too lazy to do anything that is considered to be a crime in Shalampax. (Most forms of fraud are not merely legal here, but also vigorously encouraged.) We don’t allow any foreigners to visit our republic so crimes are rarely committed in Shalampax. Thus, there has been little cause for punishment, capital or otherwise.

Before one reads too much into this pronouncement on the part of the government, it should be noted that the decision was not taken for moral, ethical or political reasons. It was purely practical.

The shift key on our judge’s keyboard broke. Rather than fixing or replacing it, it has been decided that, henceforth, all judgments will be issued in lower case only.

This is not seen to be a significant issue. Indeed, our judge has, on many occasions, proclaimed herself to be bewildered over some countries’ insistence on capital punishment. She is on record as having stated, “Sentences issued in all lower case are perfectly satisfactory as far as I’m concerned.”