Shalampax Speaks

The automated, dial-in time signal, which was installed in March of this year, has broken. Due to the difficulty in getting parts shipped into Shalampax, it is not known how long it will take to repair it, but it could be a few months.

The system still works in a fashion. Now, instead of saying, “at the tone, it will be exactly six p.m.,” it now says, “ “at the tone, it will be exactly 6:45 p.m.”

Until further notice, please be sure to call the time signal 45 minutes later than you have in the past.

Thank you.

Rottentomato has almost recovered from eating his own food and he expects to be back in full swing coordinating the culinary experience at his restaurant, Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, by next week.

Rottentomato is very cognizant of the fact that his menu rarely pays tribute to, let alone even barely alludes to Shalampax’s status as an island nation. Recognizing this, on his return, Rottentomato plans to feature filet of sole as his special.

In the past, Rottentomato has occasionally been faulted for being a tad over-audacious with his cuisine. This audaciousness is best demonstrated by his recent stomach pumping. He promises that meals will be a bit more pedestrian in the future.

If my experience the last time Rottentomato featured filet of sole on his menu is anything to go by, if Rottentomato requests that you leave your footwear at the front door when you enter his restaurant, just say no. Otherwise, you might find the bottoms of your shoes a little lighter when you pick them up after the meal.

I’ve been thinking. I haven’t been thinking about anything interesting or relevant to anyone’s life, but thinking is such a rare occurrence for me that I thought I’d mention it.

Have a nice day.

The trash compactor/torpedo firer in the southwest quadrant of the building is broken. Until further notice, if you normally use that garbage chute, please take your garbage to one of the chutes in the other three quadrants of the building.

Or, if you are lazy, i.e., you are a typical Shalampaxian, you can do what I plan to do. Surreptitiously leave your garbage bags in front of your neighbor’s door. Your neighbor will undoubtedly, also surreptitiously, place your garbage, along with his or her garbage, in front of his or her neighbor’s door.

Hopefully, your neighbor will burden his or her other neighbor with this now doubled pile of garbage rather than leaving it back in front of your door.

If all works according to plan, the ever-increasing pile of garbage will slowly make its way toward a chute leading to one of the functioning garbage compactor/torpedo firers.

Of course, with each move of the garbage down the hall, the job will get harder for the next person in the line. But if you start the chain, it won’t be your problem.

In addition, because of the large number of apartments on each floor of our building, the garbage pile will likely grow to a size that will completely block the hall before it reaches a functioning chute. But, again, if you start the chain, the hallway blockage will be so far from you that it won’t be your problem. Because our hallways form perfect squares you can always walk the other way to get where you are going.

Due to the isolation of Shalampax, it might be quite a while before the broken garbage compactor/torpedo firer is fixed. Nevertheless, I know that if you all work together and do your bit, I’ll get through this OK. Thanks.

It might not be readily apparent from the articles here in Shalampax Speaks, but Shalampaxians are a very inquisitive people. We frequently consider the big issues of life.

For example, a common question around here is, “If there are five coconuts very high up in a particularly tall palm tree and one of them falls directly on my head, how many coconuts will there be left up there very high in the particularly tall palm tree?”

Alright, I only said we are inquisitive. I didn’t say we are bright.

The correct answer is, of course, you will almost certainly be unconscious, so you won’t care how many coconuts are left in the tree.

Rottentomato, proprietor of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, would like to tell his patrons about his daily specials. Unfortunately, he can’t do so because he is in a coma in the intensive care unit of the Shalampax Medical Center after making the mistake of eating in his own restaurant. Unaccustomed to consuming his own fare, he had not yet built up an immunity to it.

Do not despair. Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant has been in business for a long time. Rottentomato’s wife has set up an all-you-can eat buffet consisting of the leftovers that have been thrown into the back of the restaurant’s pantry and into slop pails over the years.

The buffet is available for $59.95 per person. Beverages are extra, as is the mandatory health insurance extra-coverage premium and the mandatory 75 percent gratuity.