It might not be readily apparent from the articles here in Shalampax Speaks, but Shalampaxians are a very inquisitive people. We frequently consider the big issues of life.
For example, a common question around here is, “If there are five coconuts very high up in a particularly tall palm tree and one of them falls directly on my head, how many coconuts will there be left up there very high in the particularly tall palm tree?”
Alright, I only said we are inquisitive. I didn’t say we are bright.
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Rottentomato, proprietor of Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant, would like to tell his patrons about his daily specials. Unfortunately, he can’t do so because he is in a coma in the intensive care unit of the Shalampax Medical Center after making the mistake of eating in his own restaurant. Unaccustomed to consuming his own fare, he had not yet built up an immunity to it.
Do not despair. Shalampax’s Most Expensive Restaurant has been in business for a long time. Rottentomato’s wife has set up an all-you-can eat buffet consisting of the leftovers that have been thrown into the back of the restaurant’s pantry and into slop pails over the years.
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That’s it! I’m reading the Riot Act! I would have read it before, but we didn’t have a riot act, so I had to write one.
For the last three days in a row, reporters here at Shalampax Speaks have been writing about and linking to the Church of Infinitiaty. There was even a link to the church’s doctrine on Created Evolution.
These were plugs, plain and simple. There is no excuse for it. Clearly, vested interests were being served. This is completely unacceptable in the news and editorial pages of any respectable journal, whether online or print.
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There has been considerable debate of late among the faculty of the Shalampax school. A few teachers want to change what is taught about how the human species came to be.
Currently, students are taught the widely held, and obviously true, theory that Paahlm, our Lord, created one male human embryo and one female human embryo and implanted each in its own exceptionally large coconut. These male-bearing and female-bearing coconuts both grew on a single coconut palm tree on the island that we now call Shalampax. When the embryo-embracing coconuts fell to the ground they burst open, exposing the then full-term babies.
Some Shalampax school faculty claim that science proves that this theory is false. Instead, they believe that we should teach the modern theory of the formation of the human species. According to this hypothesis, rather than forming in coconuts, humans grew from coconuts, although this was, of course, still guided by Paahlm.
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The government recently revealed that, as a result of a major ordering screw-up by our primary food importer, Shalampax faces a severe meat shortage. The government had not intended to release this information because it was afraid that panic buying of the remaining supplies would lead to hoarding and severe inflation.
Information about the shortage was revealed only after the Prime Minister’s chief spokesperson accidentally misread the words “top secret.” Instead, he thought it said “for immediate release.” Literacy is in short supply in the Shalampax civil service.
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Please ignore the announcement I made yesterday concerning a possible future important announcement. It turns out that the alleged announcement had something to do with navel lint. Or it might have been about a stint in the navy (although that’s unlikely, as we don’t have a navy). Or, then again, it might have concerned natal hints (but, again, that’s unlikely because nobody here cares one whit about newborns).
My sources aren’t at all clear on the content of the alleged announcement. In any case, it seems that, whatever it is, it’s likely not at all important and almost certainly not worth an announcement of any kind.
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