I have some absolutely fabulous news, peeps! Lightningstrikingtree has committed suicide.
In a suicide note, Lightningstrikingtree admitted that he had fathered Tuboflard’s triplets and the shame of having boinked her was too much for him to bear. Lightningstrinkingtree’s note cast no light on how he was able to impregnate Tuboflard without, according to her, her knowing about it. However, he did say in his note that, and I quote, “it was good for me.”
Why is this fabulous news? There are a number of reasons, including the following:
- Lightningstrikingtree’s timely death brings the Shalampax population back down to 4,242, which is the perfect equilibrium dictated by the size and design of our building.
- Lightningstrikingtree was universally hated vehemently. It appears that there really is a Paahlm and It does answer our most fervent prayers. Praise be to Paahlm.
- Lightningstrikingtree’s huge, coveted collection of porn DVDs are there for the taking. Or, at least, they were there for the taking until about 37 seconds after it became known that they were there for the taking.
It was a madhouse that, not surprisingly, included considerable groping among the gathered crowd. Many people present exclaimed that it was good for them.
- The name Lightningstrikingtree, the coolest name so far in Shalampax, is available for assignment to another baby. Of course, as per our tradition, parents can give this name to their baby only if, after their baby is born, lightning striking a tree is the first thing they notice other than things that are already used as Shalampaxian names.
Because Tuboflard is not a very perceptive person, she has not noticed a lot of things since her triplets were born. As a result, none of them have names yet. Rumor has it that, since she heard of Lightningstrikingtree’s death, Tuboflard, whose windows face our palm tree patch, has been staring out her window waiting for the inevitable lightning strike.
Memorial services for Lightningstrikingtree will be held on Friday. However, it is expected that no one will attend as everyone will be too busy celebrating his death.
Shalampax’s island is far too small to accommodate even the most rudimentary of airplane landing strips. What’s more, our near-incessant ferocious winds make it too treacherous to hover a helicopter above us in order to winch goods and people up and down, let alone land a chopper here. Thus, it has long been the desire of Shalampaxian inventors to develop a personal flying apparatus that would overcome these problems.
To be commercially successful in Shalampax, such a contraption would have to possess a number of challenging characteristics.
- It must have powerful, automated course correcting capabilities to overcome the rapidly shifting, fierce winds here. Human strength and response times are not up to that task in even the most strong, agile and skilled of humans. And no Shalampaxian has ever been referred to as strong, agile or skilled, not even in jest.
- It must be small enough to strap onto someone’s back like a jet-pack, as opposed to encompassing the aviator. Larger flying machines are considered to be unworkable in view of the tight and challenging takeoff and landing conditions here.
- It must be capable of flying relatively long distances as there is nowhere worth going to close to Shalampax.
- It must be possible to manufacture it at a low cost. Thanks to our cult and spam industries, Shalampaxians are by far the richest people on the planet. Nonetheless, we are also the cheapest bastards you’d ever want to meet, not that you’d never want to meet us. Shalampaxians are unlikely to spend more than $300 on such a device.
A Shalampaxian inventor has finally proven herself up to the task. Burnedoutlightbulb strapped on her prototype personal flying machine and proved its air-worthiness in a test flight that ventured more than 375 miles beyond Shalampax’s shores.
To celebrate Burndeoutlightbulb’s great triumph, a funeral service will be held should her body ever be recovered.
Shalampaxian inventors wishing to attempt to carry Burnedoutlightbulb’s work forward are reminded that, if you fly the most economical route in both directions, two-way trips are twice as far as one-way trips. You should, therefore, turn back before you’ve used up half of your fuel. This is especially important to keep in mind as no other country would ever knowingly allow a Shalampaxian to land on it soil, even in an emergency.
It is with deep disinterest that we note the passing of Brushontable, an inveterate idler and incompetent raconteur. Brushontable will long be remembered for his deep love of lint and his incessant muttering of gibberish.
In lieu of a memorial service, Brushontable’s alleged friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, will be downing a few pints at the pub. Brushontable’s family will not be there, as they refuse to acknowledge their relationship to the deceased.
With Brushontable’s passing, his windowless apartment is now available for rent.
In addition, because Shalampax’s population has been reduced by one, an unlucky woman will now be allowed to have a baby to bring the population back up to its quota. The government is actively trying find a woman who is willing to go through the pain and bother of having and raising a baby. Her husband will, of course, be expected to share in the child-rearing duties, but he will, no doubt, shirk that responsibility by feigning a bowling injury.
So far, the government hasn’t had any luck in finding a woman willing to bring Shalampax’s population back up to quota, despite decreeing that the biological father is not required to be the woman’s husband.
