Hey, peeps. I don’t have any news in the ongoing story of Openfly and her escape from Shalampax to report today, but hearing about the bonobos’ language and Openfly’s natural ability to understand and speak it brought something to mind that I hadn’t thought much about before.
If you go to the history section of the official Shalampax Web site you’ll see that it claims that the people on this island (which hadn’t yet been named at that point) didn’t have much of a language at all before Marie taught them English in 1952. According to the Web site, back then, folks here just did a lot of, “gesturing, grunting and getting unbelievably bitchy over the fact that, despite one’s best efforts, people usually didn’t have the foggiest of ideas as to what anyone else was trying to communicate.”
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Peeps, I know you’re as anxious to find out about Openfly’s DNA results as I am. It will be nice to finally move this saga forward. Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait a little longer.
Dr. Don tells me that he expects the results in a matter of days. However, he refuses to speculate as to whether that number of days contains one, two or three digits.
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Peeps, I don’t know what to tell you. The day we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived. That is to say, it sort of arrived, but not quite. Unfortunately, the long and the short of it is that the story is no closer to a conclusion than it ever was.
Dr. Don got Openfly’s DNA analysis back from the lab, but the results are clearly flawed. According to the lab, Openfly is largely a cow.
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Peeps, I don’t know if you’re going to find what I’m about to tell you to be morally reprehensible (and other fun stuff like that), exceptionally funny, mildly amusing, or none of the above. You see, there’s more news to tell in the ongoing Openfly story.
Like the rest of us, Dr. Don Rivers is anxiously awaiting the results of the second attempt to analyze Openfly’s DNA. However, he recently mentioned to me that, even when he does get accurate results, that won’t necessarily definitively answer the question as to whether Shalampaxians are Homo sapiens.
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If you’ve been following my reportage on Openfly and Dr. Don, you’ll know that Dr. Don has proposed an experiment that might verify that Openfly and, presumably, the rest of us Shalampaxians as well, are Homo sapiens. Because scientists usually use the ability and willingness to interbreed as the basis for their definition of the boundary between species, Dr. Don wants to try to impregnate Openfly and have her carry their baby to full term. If successful, that would prove that Openfly is Homo sapiens.
Just moments ago, Openfly told Dr. Don, “maybe.”
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Hi peeps! Good news; sort of. Dr. Donald Rivers has received the second analysis of Openfly’s DNA. It seems to be accurate this time—or, at least, that’s what Dr. Don tells me.
Unfortunately, the results are inconclusive. This makes me a little suspicious because inconclusive results mean that Dr. Don gets what he wants. He gets to attempt to have a child with Openfly, with the hope of determining if Dr. Don and Openfly are of the same species. Presumably, that species would be Homo sapiens.
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